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inked letter about tears, emotions and identity


Words offering solace,

unexpressed emotions,

seamless thoughts,

maketh the soul complete,

thirst for the unknown,

letting tears drop,

it shall not conceal face, identity or unquenched emotions,

yet a shield to outpour,

buried to dust,

words we choose to hold inside us,

torn pages,

inked pain,

lovelorn,

pouring the inner sentiment,

flowing like stormy river,

unleashing the demons,

barring the soul naked,

beyond judgemental society,

unfazed by the world,

i write uninterrupted,

who can stop me now?

outburst of anger, pain and tears,

heart capable to love,

riding on a crescent wave,

the white pages shan’t cut a lone figure,

ink pouring with ferocity of rain,

bruises,

striding fearlessly,

hiding behind the cloak or facade,

clayed statues,

breathing life,

yet, a letter doesn’t hide frailties or vulnerabilities,

best version expressed,

it chooses the invisible,

neither love or angst,

just a plain little heart and soul,

flowing like electric voltage and steam,

yet forebearer of the famished.

soaring beyond every little imagination,

or lies we tell ourselves,

who says existence is content with the unexpressed,

hiding the unquenched,

footprint spread above the tiniest and mightiest,

spiralling like a sword,

the letter i wrote.

Love

V

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Fast forward memoirs: Then & Now


The world was free of pandemic. We straddled our way fearlessly where no force or the unknown could hold us back armed with aspirations to make every moment worth living on the campus. A friend would always ask as we bumped on each other on the way to the washroom, “Wassup?” He replied, “Everybody says I am Fine.” It became our little joke as the conversation veered to this Rahul Bose’s movie. 

I loathed going to the toilet inside the campus where everybody in college would cross the busy road opposite our majestic Fergusson College gate to Savera, our hang out became the place to relieve ourselves. It’s only when I couldn’t hold my piss that the not-so-clean FC toilet came to the rescue. Not a college memoirs but an attempt to weave the past and the present times living in a pandemic.

In those days between 2003-06, perhaps one thing or the other that would scare everyone would be an earthquake, stomach ailment coz of heavy rains we call Monsoon in India or Tsunami and political agitations with M in caps for May Be! I can’t remember any virus sending the shit down our heads and if there was any, we would probably brush it out that it cannot harm us. And to think in those days, there were no e-books or debit card where the latter was used plainly to withdraw limited monthly pocket money sent by parents to manage stuff and all, rent, groceries, expenses and once in a blue moon party.  Online buying was beyond us.

Let’s fast forward to 2020 when something called Coronavirus seeped into our lives and just imagine if I was still in college where bunking classes would give no thrill but hit a strange cool quotient by attending classes online. Excitement of no roll numbers and worried about minimum attendance to give exams or for that matter, the one thing we would rue about not being on campus is hanging out with friends, the cool chicks and whining time over chai, coffee and endless sutta.  Thrown in the sea of the unknown and bedraggled with the pandemic, we would form groups in collecting funds to help people in distress to make a positive difference to lives, bringing smiles on faces and supporting friends performing skits for our dreams can wait. New excitement for students like us turning into citizen journalists, meeting people and taking pictures of helping hands, masked up till late in making our cities better where of course frantic heartbeats would get the better of us.

Twitter would enter our lives as a savior and coordinating with people, checking on hospital beds and oxygen availability to share on social media. Think in those days, there was no Facebook or Twitter but High Five and Facebook just entered our lives. A moment of pride whether visiting the hospitals in groups to check on whether patients can be admitted, doing the running around from one place to another and distributing dabbas to the needy like many are doing right now in helping people whose lives have been taken over by the deadly pandemic. There would be something called alternating between fun and joy, about bringing smiles on faces and having been a volunteer for college extracurricular, we would be taking it an altogether different level.

Our lives would perhaps not remain the same and thrust into adulthood by a pandemic bearing a toll on us, perhaps getting a better understanding of what mental health awareness is all about. Every single day would be counted on the fingers and grateful to the sky for allowing us to see the day. Joy on campus or relationships would not be taken for granted for we would be aware that every single moment, laughs and occasional happiness matters at a time where the scene was getting darker.

Wearing a mask to college would be the new fashion statement seeped in normalcy so much that our teachers wouldn’t mind at all and for once, we wouldn’t be thrown out of class. Except that we wouldn’t kiss with mask on and some ingenious minds would make a trace of lips, expertly cutting through the lines with lipstick and hunting for funky masks is definitely something that I would be risking life for.

I miss falling in love, exploring relationships, nursing heartbreaks and making new friends by staying at home. How my life, dreams or excitement have crashed down during the past year! The girl I wanted to ask out for coffee, watching movies together, holding hands, kissing and making out in the dark theatre now feels futuristic, sitting at home and thinking how am losing out on things. Living the past and futuristic feel like a character flowing straight out of sci-fi and how art is imitating real life. What if I die with the virus? Change would come.  I was pretty sure but not so soon, grappling with the new and uncertain life, counting minutes, days, week and years. Such a long wait!

How does one nurse heartbreak and love deeply enmeshed in imagination? Everything feels so unreal yet reality bites. It hurts each and every one of us, missing the thrill of skipping lectures and jokes of our teachers on campus, college festival tickling the creative bulb, an excuse to flirt with girls in the same team. After all, we needed an excuse volunteering for our college festival to ask a girl out. I checked Tinder. Nah! The heart isn’t in for we cannot plan a date of hanging out in the open or partying like an animal. Dancing alone has its own thrill but shouting out and concatenating into peals of laughter, hanging out with friends, getting sloshed and passing out…the thrill I am missing right now.

Everything gets imaginative. I am thinking of multiple scenarios of being in college as an 18-year-old two decades later with the same friends, teachers and our campus, the thrill of bunking lectures, multiple crushes or chasing the one. This sheer joy of falling in love and secretly vouching for her, the frantic heartbeats at the sight, striking a conversation, the simpering smile and waltzing my way when she said Hi to me.

Who stole my life? Reality can be hard fuck to face! I am longing for sex and after it’s natural for a young man to! It feels like some invisible enemy has put us under siege and controlling our thoughts, desires and vices. Our lives feel borrowed. This classmate who passed away and can’t even go to see him for the last time! It’s painful. They tell us to see a Psychologist, something ignored during the time in college for the first time many moons away. I am still in college right now in this pandemic age. We are aging adults physically, trapped in an old decade yet embedded in the present reality. Multiple dates canceled whether meeting friends, chicks, exams and the therapist for our mental well-being. How much I hate seeing a therapist online for the human touch is missing?

Am I coming to terms with everything?  It becomes impossible at the sight of deaths and fear looming with complicated and frantic heart beat on the tomorrow. Not about me but the loved ones. How are they doing? Will college life be stripped of the joy! Many years down the line, we shall be pained looking back at the memory, faces haunting us and shudder at the ones who are longer with us. The final goodbye we couldn’t say and for one last time seeing the smiling face who was once a part of the joyful journey.

Love

V

P.S: I tried connecting my past college memoirs in the present times with lots of imagination on the what if of the pandemic if I was still in college during the fast forward times.

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Beyond love and death O! lover


You tell me,

love is not what it is,

rubbing my naked shoulders,

face caked,

frothing saliva on my lip,

you’re so disinterested,

yet inch closer to me every time,

sensuality is unbridled emotions,

we could never share special sentiments,

unfazed you are,

speaking a bright truth,

you lost so much,

to the deadly virus,

taking away thunder and light,

happiness stolen from you,

you tell me,

i can never love again,

i lust to quench desires,

in intimacy there is closure,

your smile belies sadness and anger,

feeling of helpless,

we are opposites of a pole,

common destiny,

risking lives,

smooching passionately,

stormy sex,

when we aren’t allowed touching each other,

reaching an octane high,

constant reminder of a pandemic,

we ignore and loathed,

for choosing passion and death,

over everything little things and hope of living,

i crave for the gentle touch,

for every moment counts,

wanna spend every precious time with you,

it eludes,

what are we looking for,

beyond love and death,

a common thread perhaps,

you choose to heal,

intimate desires,

O! widow,

your husband is the luckiest,

for your heart sealed in his heart,

hope both of you meet in heaven,

together we lie on hospital beds,

coughing and breathless,

tears flowing,

holding hands tight by fate not willingness,

yet hearts intertwined,

how i wish our hearts knotted like strings together.

Love

V

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Stories of wave, sobs and joy


flake of waves,

caking my face,

feels like invisible caress,

touching the soul,

icy sensation,

a love escapade,

serenaded by breeze,

warmth caressing the skin,

floating memories,

happiness eluding,

lifetime of sobs and stories,

imprisoned to the past,

stormy clouds,

when happiness knew no bound,

sadness conquered,

chilling sensation,

leaving behind for decades,

was only yesterday when seamless joy lived,

misty evening,

clouded rain,

voices lost to the crowd,

haunting when the end seems nearer,

yet faraway,

aspirations and tales of hopes,

whipping waves,

for hope is the balloon growing mightily,

heavenly kiss,

blowing into smithereens,

adversity and pain.

Love

V

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Tell all tale about rain, writing, friends and pandemic


It’s been a rainy week all long with flash flood storming, wiping roads where bridge, river and pathways washed ashore. I didn’t crave going out probably because we were (are) still in lockdown time. Not too much writing happening on this front, either and the lazy bum that I am couldn’t cash on the entire post one month lockdown time.

I always miss writing in the diary left open with a pen on blank sheet, unfulfilled promise since it always gets lost in the forever, after initially planning to write. Rainy weather propels someone to write and makes for the perfect environment working in isolation yet again I missed the cue. Taking too much of taking a step back and breaks can willfully harm our writing exercise and that’s what probably what’s been happening. Not looking for excuse but the current COVID situation in India is having a toll mentally on me with so many deaths and infections.

How to get back at writing should be the biggest question? Last year, I started a millennial and young adult kinda no filter desi romance on the blog as a way to get me back to the fiction space but there are still five chapters before wrapping it up. Four months is probably too much time to complete a novella of 20 chapters. 1000 words average and 20,000 k. Another post that I’ve been trying to do on how the lockdown has turned Maximum City read Mumbai into ghost city but somehow the right emotions, descriptive feel and mojo is missing. I will try rewriting and finish it by tomorrow. Not to mention the lockdown e-collection of short stories that I’ve been writing and started a third chapter without finishing the second one. I shall set a target of publishing by September or November end.

What a mad rush we are living despite staying cooped at home and abhor of not being able travelling back to India with this stupid pandemic. Last year travel was postponed and looks likely the November trip on the back of the mind is cancelled as things stand now. How this entire pandemic has changed our lives and thrown us off skelter!

How you all are doing in such harrowing times? Over the past few days and weeks, there is a gastro and acidity issue which is bugging me somehow, impacting the mental health but is something I gotta learn live with. It irks the endlessly and irritate the whole out of one’s digestive system coupled with stomach burn which subsided this week, though not completely relieved. One ailment that has been a common trait of my existence over the past few years and learning to cope with.

There is something interesting in the way I write even on blogs and earlier felt unsatisfied how I cannot write at one go to kill it off. I took a break, doing sundry and some ironing when a friend called back on her birthday. I think that the interspersed break helps a great deal to better flesh out the writing and for that matter, let things stew before editing at a later stage, even a day or two. I started writing the post on Saturday evening and end up wrapping on Sunday evening.

The friend I spoke to was a COVID positive patient and glad that she recovered along with family members getting better by the day. Such news gives me such a high and lift the spirits. Let’s all heal from the corona virus and be healthy.

Keep the faith

Love

V

Posted in poems

Fire of passion


I am You,

intense eyes,

drenched into the heavenly ocean.

you tell me,

I shall burn into ashes,

warding off my love,

I say,

take me into this womb called storm,

withered shall be my tears,

i shall kiss the flame,

blazed into Goddess of fire,

soul doesn’t crave for gentleness,

for we are two sides of the same,

masculinity and feminity enconsced,

made of clay are not just bodies,

our emotions,

raw sensuality,

sex is what makes us all,

beyond the flesh,

and orgasmic,

beyond the longing for each other,

unshackled by bondage,

for we rise above time,

ravaged by fire of passion.

Love

V

Posted in uncategorized

Stream of happiness in times of maladies


Stillness and soothing,

eluding us faraway,

seeker of tiny happiness,

a price to pay,

in a world afflicted by maladies,

striving to make peace,

shredding souls and flesh,

a prayer for the earth to heal,

strange feeling of the unpredictable,

how do we make peace with the inner self?

surroundings and nature,

myriad of positive thoughts,

hard to barter,

complexities of lives lost,

smoky cloud unfurling,

will life be the same again?

sanity lost forever,

rain soaked emotions,

bringing the past scars alive,

gentle tap of water hymns,

the ecstatic musical note lost,

washed ashore are memories,

storms of sadness unabated.

i wanna feel the gentle pitter patter of rains,

streams of unwavering happiness,

till then my creation shall find space,

listening to the empty voice,

drenched in beauty.

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A story of hope for Indians on social media against pandemic


The entire hospital infrastructure is crumbling with deaths and every third person I know or remotely linked to, extended family or parents bearing the brunt of COVID-19 in India. A week proving to be hard for many among us and the death toll getting terrible by the day. I was surrounded by tweets yesterday and today so many losing their loved ones, tearing the heart apart.

One reaches a stage where taking the whole things in one’s stride become almost impossible and despite being away from India, the whole thing started to affect in more than one ways. I couldn’t see the many souls burned in a single pyre aired on TV and suddenly dawned upon me how life has become so precarious. Being in a place where the pandemic has subsided in the second wave and still in lockdown, yet what is happening in India my country cannot make me unaffected.

A feeling of anger and restlessness on the apathy in the country where citizens are left reeling on their own. I am feeling the brunt since I don’t know what to do or say with a part of me having the feeling of not having an expert voice meaning lacking the voice to criticize. A friend narrated how an aunty got a vial of covidesiram on black for 18 k yet the lady couldn’t be saved or the mess surrounding hospital ICU beds and oxygen cylinders. The sight of a son dying at the feet of his mother in a rickshaw or mother in front of her son. Where is the dignity in death, I ask? The wailing of innocent citizens and death lurking like ghouls pushed me to think that rather than losing time criticizing, I can do my bit in helping people.

I started a Facebook page, called Support India during this pandemic where the aim to share and spread verified information on COVID health care, food facilities and checked logistics on oxygen or hospital bed. The latter is being carefully tread upon since data are moving fast, become outdated and, hence, the need to be updated every 15 minutes. There are patients needing various help such as ventilators and oxygen, this is where the page aim to offer non-financial help. It is basically an amplifier in offering help during such stressful times for all of us in India or remotely connected through our loved ones and Indians staying faraway from the motherland.

We will not let the country on its own. Indians has erupted on social media showing the lead be it Twitter or Facebook, checking facts and doing verification to save lives. Every life is precious. I wanted to be a small part of it and being away from the country, social media is the only way for me to chip a little help. It’s not a question of our elderly, young or babies. No one should be left dying without access to medication, oxygen or ICU bed. No single person should be left dying or gasping for breath, I have no right to be unmoved where so many are losing lives or mayhem struck. We can all make a difference by saving lives and contributing in a humble manner to make things better for we owe it to India.

The country is so important for all of us irrespective of religion and we need to stay thick, supporting each other. Nothing patriotic or jingoistic but we need to be together in such times for our secular values must be saved or the people making us a nation. As we speak, there is one girl in Pune on whom I need to write who has been pulling all strings, distributing food to the needy, COVID patients and medical staff. I never met her but we interacted on Twitter. Do follow Ronita @Rōnté for we need to support such selfless work in the interest of the people.

Do join the Facebook page and let’s all contribute to unite and support India during such difficult times.

Spread the love and keep the faith.

V

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Save us from ourselves


Hold the mirror closer,

palm close to chest,

heart strung together,

fading hope,

hanging on a thin thread,

burned in the fire,

dotted knot of love,

conquering destruction,

battling tears,

lighting a pyre,

we shall be ravaged,

I abhor the day,

hearts nursing miracles,

longing for the God we fear,

yet many among us,

the unbelievers,

invisible power to save us,

where are you messiah?

save us from ourselves,

past sins,

for we crave to live again.

Love

V

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Diary of a recluse (7): Virus and home scare


The new normal took its toll and went like the flick of dust with anxiety touching me in places least expected pretty much like the jab. I woke up to a couple of friends and their loves ones becoming COVID-19 positive. It took its toll on me for such friends are closest to me and yet another two recovering from the pandemic, being almost surrounded by the virus.

Oh! What was happening! I hit the panic button and wondered why it is happening to my loved ones. It was less about me but the ones I care the most. It can hit hard since as humans beings we reach a vulnerable point and don’t want anything happening to the ones we care the most. One after the other, the pandemic was taking a toll on friends. Some recovered. I went on a spree regularly checking on the well being of friends and to make things worse, some of my friends didn’t respond. It got me worried. Thankfully, things started to settle in.

The way the infection is flaring back home in India is getting scary. A friend’s cousin passed away at a young age and another one whose uncle died with the infection with few whose parents are struggling, hoping they recover swiftly. I really hope we are able to flatten the curve where the onus fall on us as human beings. Mask up people, avoid social gathering and stop this nonsense of putting everything on the head of God. Even the great almighty will not be able to take such a huge burden.

I reached out to a friend who helped to calm down where she shared some meditation tips with me, telling to repeat, “My friends and loved ones are all safe and protected, especially from this deadly virus corona. Amen.” It helped a great deal. I lit a candle and concentrated on the flame. We need to take great care of our mental well being and the loved ones around us. The best thing is to tune off from social media or news outlet on the virus scare. It can really harm us.

The bottom line is always check on our dear ones and it doesn’t harm making regular phone calls. So, what the world has shut itself! Perhaps, the second wave is a blessing in disguise in growing closer to the ones who matter and reassurance that things would get better for all of us. Like they say, tis too shall pass and it will. True, the are are lots of strain in the way we deal with worries because we don’t want anything happening to anyone but at the same time, we need to be optimist. After all, what choice do we have other than being positive in our thought process. Be Covid negative but positive in the mind.

There come a time when there is no right or wrong way speaking about the imposed lockdown across places such as Maharashtra or the rest and be it India or any country in the world. At first sight, I feel it is important if we want to curve the super spreader like it is happening right now and the other, there is the issue of livelihood for the commoners in India. It’s quite tricky. We gotta foot our bills but at the same time, need to learn with the virus. One day it will appear, the next disappear and resurface again.

It’s never easy to be cooped inside and there is always an underlying harm that can happen to us. At some point I became cranky and lashed angrily on a neighbor aunty who was irritating by interfering on something we were doing in our backyard at home. Yet! Never knew I can be that angry but then I guess, we reach a saturation point in life and important to speak out. We shall speak about it in detail in another post. I shall try not to be angry and develop immunity against things that irks me.

Be safe people

Love

V