Relationships are fragile. It takes one moment of anger, ego or silence to break everything nurtured over time be it a friendship, bond with parents, bond transcending time with neighbors, romantic love or marriage. One thing I like about Facebook is how good people dropped comments on this image shared on my timeline. The thread on my wall can be a perfect guide on what not to do in putting our relationships in jeopardy and particularly in today’s time of senseless political arguments on the Lok Sabha elections where things can get so messy to risk many friendships in a moment of anger.
I am digressing. Right back on what breaks a relationship. Debraj commented on stupidity and lack of trust in a relationship. I agree with that and it takes nonsense or stupid moment to blow apart a relationship where we rely on hearsay or any mundane thing, for that matter. Nowadays, people can believe anything that a third-party tells and often the fact that we are emotionally insecure, assume it to be true and start fighting. The moment we realize our stupidity and lacking trust, it may be too late. As humans, we tend to get angry easily and am guilty as charged. It happened with me in the past but what matters is adopting a different, rational approach in the sense that now I listen to the person and check facts. How about dialogues!
I replied to Debraj on ego and external factors read interference which Heena also said ‘other person’s interference’. Debraj added ‘third person’. The thread became very interesting. Ego is one thing known to destroy our relationships as the villain and why ME has become more important than the US. There is no bigger demon than Ego in refusing to listen to the voice of reason and is a mammoth giant making us blowing our top that we’ve seen couple facing the ire of violence, both verbal and physical. Linked to ego is what I would call ‘Other Person’s Interference’/Third person/External Pressure. See, my reasoning is simple and particularly when it comes to romantic or couple relationship and friendship jutting to our bond with parents, we shouldn’t let a third person interfere or tell us how our partners, friends or parents are and they are stirring trouble or said. Tell that person that he or she has no ‘business’ in interfering and you have a certain equation with your loved ones.
Alternately, parents and in-laws can create a stir in marriage, believe it or not. There is a tendency to interfere in every little thing, be it the food prepared, choice of cities to work or live and lifestyle so much they took No not as an answer but an offense or disrespect. Both sides of parents cannot dictate terms to grown-up adults. Gently remind them that one is old and mature enough to take charge of life. It’s not like the wife is taking the son away or the husband is taking the daughter away. There is no need for meddling. In the same way, don’t just listen to everything your better half tells about parents.
Of course, good advice is always welcome but one shouldn’t dictate on travel plans or decision to buy land and house, or imposing of culture. Respect the individuality. One of the reasons I believe that when a couple ties the knot, they should live independently to avoid issues that may automatically crop up. I know of friends whose parents have tried to impose social norms which is unhealthy and some relationships crumbled.
Silence is one thing that many of us don’t think about. Lina commented on Silence and I agree with her. Many relationships suffer due to silence and the unfortunate fact is that we don’t communicate enough after a fight. Speak, speak and speak for this very act can iron out so many differences after a minor squabble, ego trip or a big fight. Once the differences are solved, don’t take the burden of words and seek forgiveness for any words hurting the partner. There is no shame in accepting mistakes. A relationship is all about blooming and growing but if we keep staying in our shell, it is a recipe for disaster for this silence can kill.
Expectations in a relationship which Kalindi commented and elaborated saying it tends to overlook qualities a partner has and a breeding ground for unsatisfaction on what they do and don’t. I fully endorse her views on the fact that we have skyrocketed expectations. It can lead to self-harm. There is one possibility. When we expect too much from a partner and when they are unable to fulfill all of them, we become disgruntled, literally charging at them that can mar a relationship. Relying on my past relationship, there were too much expectations and risks that it lingered towards emotional self-harm. I mean, it’s human to expect from a partner and when we don’t receive reciprocity of feeling, we may turn into a wreck.
I have started to believe more in free love rather than building expectations. Trust me on that! It makes us feel better as a person when we reach a compromise with the self, lowers skyrocketed hopes or standards that the other person has to live up to. A healthy relationship is not about burden or pressure but creating a healthy environment. Free love and high expectations are interlinked to me. We don’t expect someone to love us in the way we do, return our calls immediately or be there at the exact moment when we reach out to them. Give time for its important. Space matters in a relationship for both partners should have their own set of friends and people to hang out with. Don’t breed in doubt and regularly check on them with whom they are or this shit about some affair behind the back. Trust, space and expectations are the things I believe in. Being obsessively attached to someone in a relationship can destroy a relationship for nobody wants to be suffocated.
Thank you to my Facebook friends for sharing their ideas on what destroys a relationship. I learned a lot. I am looking forward to knowing more from blogger friends on the issue or thing(s) that can signal the death knell of a relationship. Gratitude in learning from each other,
Much Love
V
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