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Day 33: Reinventing the personal space and embrace the new

Diwali is around the corner. The cleaning of the room and painting of interiors has already started at home. The festival of lights heralds into the new and giving away the uncomplicated, something I have come to terms with, decidedly to chuck out or break away with the pile accumulating among the personal belongings.

This year, I choose to embrace the change and cutting loose with things doggedly kept inside the room. The new matters for the well being and as emotional beings, we have the tendency not to let go of things that can suffocate us in a subdued or subconscious way. Ask me about this obstinate refusal in getting rid of things piling over the years. I was able to make peace with myself and swinging slowly to make changes at pace.

Things are moving positively. On Sunday, I started to clean the room and was able to ruthlessly discard old DVDs copies bought and accumulated over the years, blank and inked papers, greeting cards, and newspapers. I am happy to see that I am looking towards the new but without burying my identity or the past, by having perspective. After all, it percolates to the energy and we are what we attract in bundles.

A friend spoke to me on the constant need to get rid of accumulated and piling negatively on the soul. I am making an effort to be a new person with a fresh perspective in elevating the self towards growth. High time to be done and dusted with the hackneyed plot. Sometimes, the hoarder holds back progress. I have realized how we hang on to things and perhaps an illusion that they are part of us, but the fact remains that we are vulnerable, scared on how to thrive and survive without them.

We do and can live free of clutter. The universe takes care of us only if we let it and going with the energy flow.  Life is bittersweet. A taste of everything we experimented and there comes a time we need to get rid of not only the past but even the present. I am, by nature, a very unflexible person and reluctant one. Of course, there are things I would never disconnect with, the memories left behind and the college day, moments I hang on to. But, the practical me is slowly taking one step at a time for there is a desire to be swayed by the new and can’t wait to explore the fresh splash of happiness. Never say No!

Emotions can drain and change us in many ways we couldn’t imagine where we reach a point remaining unaffected to the context. Perhaps, the scars teach us an important lesson on how to make peace with the situation. Every moment is learning and disconnecting is great way to overcome hurdles faced.

Never hold on to things paining the soul and or inflicting self-harm. One has no right to face the conscious downhill or bleeding the heart over things that matters the least. I have decided to get rid of negativity and what better way than destroying the accumulated and it starts by cleaning the personal space which has become a significant part of the identity, accompanying us in the routine. Drudgery never benefits us. Choose happiness over whining. Reinvention is perhaps not jazz or a fancy word. Live it in practice but at the same time, enjoy the good things of life. Don’t shy away from experimenting and forgetting about them for it really helps.

Life can never be the same again and we cannot reclaim the lost moments, how we wish for them to happen. It will never and something I am coming to terms with. Be awesome and take it one day at a time but don’t think for a second switching off for the memories live in the heart and soul.


With Love




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Dark cloud and ignominious heart

The cloud is dark,

my heart is the ignominious sky.

fading at every burst of shower,

tired mind,

spirit losing sheen,

gazing at the heavenly cloud,

eluded sleep,

secluded spot in a crowded city,

going silent,

long but forever night,

chasing demons,

hint of optimism sashaying,

signs never fall apart,

read the sky,

crimson white and exuberant moon,

lit with the flame,

the extraordinary spark,

emasculated by the day,

the heart knows none,

happiness and deception in osmosis,

unexpressed heart,

unaffected by storms,

the ashes shall be wiped off,

vultures consuming the remains,

the soul is the only solace,

emerging unscathed.






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Celebrate Depression on World Mental Health Day

World Mental Health Day is celebrated on October 10 to spread awareness and talk Mental Health which matters in today’s times for it whittles down to everything about being well, hale and hearty in not only breaking but doing away with taboo.


It is important to treat the body well and listening to signs, speaking to it like a loyal friend for it is our prized possession. It is natural that we tend to take things for granted and business as usual as we are stuck in the humdrum of daily life. The part that we tend to ignore as humans are that depression or anxiety, encompassing social, psychological well being is something very common. There is no shame in reaching out to a therapist or seeking help but high time to be uncowed by fear. Unwanted thoughts, for instance, are not real and let it not destroy us for we are extraordinary. The bottom line is to be human, accept the flaws and vulnerabilities. Acceptance plays a major part in making us who we are.

This year I connected with a friend who has been an FB connection and we clicked over human depression, something which affected her and she came out of it. I’ve been going through depression and anxiety for years that came as a common factor for us to bond. Initially, there was the denial and panic mode hit but not anymore. As we discussed things and unpeeled myself opened, I accepted the childhood issues faced where she offered help to me. Important for someone and in this case Me, to open myself where I was ready to speak in unpeeling the layers of open like the red apple.

The body is like a personal car or rotating machine becoming an important part of our identity where we travel and the devices becoming an intrinsic part of existence. The laptop is personal. But, over the years, it suffers from major glitches where it is worn out and torn. The techie is someone taking care of the laptop conking every now and then. The car suffers from breakdown and the first thing is taking it to the mechanic. Willing as we are taking the car or bike to the mechanic, why hesitate in taking the body, soul, and mind to the psychiatrist or therapist in helping us address the issues we are inflicted with?

Stop, take it easy and breathe. Depression is a very normal thing.  Slowing down is something we should learn and half of the battle is won when acceptance gains the upper hand. The moment we make it happen, we are chartering our own destiny. We tend to be scared and shy about moving out of our comfort zone. Scars ail us endlessly and bruises kill us at every moment. Love disappointment, career failure and professional challenges or unachieved dreams tend to hold us back. That’s alright. Unsettled as we may be of changes or losing on life plays an immense part in breaking our confidence and shattering us.

I am someone who is reluctant in making small changes and unwilling to accept the new, holding on to the past. It can be anything and clutching to old memories in the form of an old white shirt bought in Mumbai, a purse reminding about the best moments making joy. This year, growth has set in and Paro played a part in convincing me to let go. I was able to and discarded my wallet spanning over a decade and took the plunge, throwing away old stuff. This showed that I was willing to accept the new, embracing the changes unfurling very soon while disconnecting with the past, both happy moments or painful.

The most important thing is to seek therapy and have every intention to do this year or in the coming year, as one of my priorities in addressing the demons and treasuring myself. Love the self first. I love myself. The ME matters. I am sacred. Divinity has touched my existence. You may not suffer from depression but face an emotional overhaul from time-to-time. Be ready in seeking professional help and pledge yourself to awesomeness on this Mental Health Day. There is no harm in visiting a therapist for sometimes we need a stranger listening to our woes who would not judge us as human beings.

Write in a diary and let the thoughts flow as you hit a raw nerve. Make it a habit for it is very therapeutic. Devote time doing yoga and spare five minutes doing meditation which is a constant reminder that your mental health matters above everything else. I am going to tell you something revolutionary. I say it Loud and Clear. I believe in the I for it makes me who am I and giving an identity. I have decided to celebrate Depression. I am celebrating Anxiety. I choose to be ME, celebrating not just happiness but Failure. Remove the scare and scars about depression. It’s okay to cry and shed tears or recognizing flaws.

Depression is not meant to be something to be ashamed about. Celebrate the shortcomings and raise a toast to meltdown, feeling of emptiness and anxiety for it makes or complete yourself. Individuality is not a crime, remember it always and you have every right to be angry, lash out and de-clutter emotions holding you by for celebrating every aspect or shortcomings leading to A for Acceptance. Don’t drive yourself to the wall, an old chum told me decades back and today it rings true. I choose to celebrate myself for who I am as a person.

You are special and extraordinary. Always remember that. I choose to seek help and heal myself. Do You?

With Love


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Groove it like Bachchan

Amitabh Bachchan is a religion and the Greek God reigning supreme at the box office and acting throne. He is beyond numbers and cutting across generations. October 11 is a festival for Bachchan fans and dialogues capturing the hearts, souls and minds reverberating throughout, “Hum Bhi woh hai jo kissi ke peeche nahin khade hota hai…jahan hum Khade hai line wohi se shuru hota hai” and the iconic, “Rishtey mein hum tumhare Baap Lagte hai Naam Hai Shahenshah” taking a nation by storm.


Bachchan in a still from Yash Chopra’s Deewar. Image taken from Google India.

The years of yore where Amitabh Bachchan was the One man industry and scripts written taken his persona into account, making it a fest of thoughts capturing the imagination.  What makes Bachchan endearing after several years of enthralling hearts and tapping the pulses of Indians across the globe is the down-to-earth approach of not only turning acting into fine art but gently stroking every human as the common hero wearing vulnerability on his sleeve.

Every October 11, I spend the day doing nothing and watching his films, recreating those moments where today re-discovered Satte Pe Satta and Cheeni Kum. The Bachchan memories and the dialogues, signature dance moves and kicks give a shiver down the spine. The hero worship nurtured over the years and Bachchan is one of the reasons I am such a die-hard passionate fan of cinema, in the role he played in my life, inspiring me when everything goes for a toss. I simply grew up on his films and lapping everything Bachchan, going back to his movies when I wasn’t even born, the time he took a break from cinema, discovering classics like Zanjeer, Deewar, Don, Sharabi, Sholay and Agneepath or Shahenshah are films watched dozen times.

Bachchan rose like a Phoenix, the time when Emergency was declared in India and the hero that would rose against the system, the commoner giving reason to believe in the age of rebellion, giving birth to the angry young man. He was the Marxist hero and giving people a reason to dream in an economic system of revolution, angst and rebellion age, someone to identify with to make the wrongs right.

I have an amazing collection of his posters, newspapers cutting and postcards so much that I mouthed the favorite dialogues in front of the mirror. In the college days in Pune, I mouthed one of his dialogues at our hang out, Kimaya in front of a crowd and drunk on his star power that friends started calling me Bachchan in college. I earned this sobriquet. No one ever called me Vishal. My number was saved as Bachchan on handsets. This name was christened by a friend who passed away. Amitabh Bachchan has had such a growing influence on my life and heartbeat pumping at the mention of the superstar so much that the moment I heard he was shooting for Viruddh in Pune, all hell broke loose and became restless to get a sight of his, skipping lectures.

Credit: Amitabh Bachchan/Getty images.

Unfortunately, couldn’t see him and waited in the scorching sea for an entire day among the bustling crowd. No sign of the superstar. It’s another story that I was able to shake his hand as a kid when he was shooting for Hum and once met him briefly, gave him a birthday card at an event. The crazy things that I do as a die-hard Bachchan fan.

Fans are irrational beings and defying all human logic.  One could see him in us and making our dreams come true on celluloid. Cinema has always been Amitabh Bachchan for me, the man who creates pandemonium in the hearts of zillions. The Bachchan era brought immense happiness where every movie was celebrated and even the bad movies were justified for he is Amitabh Bachchan, the towering screen presence and baritone voice giving hope to millions, where no dream was left untouched and he cannot go wrong. Such was the sheer magic!

The kind of energy he shows at this age sometimes puts me to shame. Like I said earlier when limit dawns upon me, the first thought crossing my head is if Amit Ji can do it at this age, why can’t I? I remember during the acute depression phase, I reached out to a friend who is a therapist and she gave the example of Amitabh Bachchan, saying just imagine you are performing on the stage and Amitabh Bachchan is sitting to watch you. You are tensed and your body language is limited. Imagine you are Bachchan watching yourself and what advice would give to the self, on the wrongs and set to improve.

As a patient, I was reluctant but the moment Gayu put me in the shoes of AB, my attitude changed and became more open to growing as a person. Such is the Bachchan aura and working like magic on the brain. One moment I will always cherish and the role played by the favorite superstar in my life.

There is a Bachchan in each one of us fans and depends on the twist, defining this enigma in our lives, making him good, sensitive, good, bad or evil conquering demons to make us stay alive. Movies will always be Amitabh Bachchan and the man making us dream cinema and entertainment, imagination to be him, dressed in his style or getting a speck in his style or modeling my hair after him. My crazy confessions, right! He was the middle-class hero and common hero, after whom women never run or the hysteric female following. No wonder, many of us identify with him after so many years on how to emerge victorious, conquering the odds to stand tall. Don’t we say Groove like Bachchan!

Image credit: Amitabh Bachchan/Instagram

Amitabh Bachchan’s movies are a celebration of life. I still get goosebumps watching a new release, waiting in anticipation and with bated breath where one can’t dare to afford missing any single movie, the royalty he injects in performances. The heydays may be over but the aura and star power have stayed intact, untouched by the power of social media or OTT viewing. The relatability factor makes him stay relevant in today’s life where cinema is shaped by digital media and career choices to trust new and young directors, exploring new subjects as an actor. It’s something that we should learn from him and the constant reinvention to be on top of his game.

I would love to see him being part of OTT and he hit the small screen with Yudh in the past that may have missed the bull’s eye but would be a mistake staying away from the big thing like Netflix, Zee 5 or Prime. Bachchan defied gravity time and again by rising like the Phoenix after successive backs, right from resurrecting himself post the ABCL debacle and huge debts. It’s a huge lesson to corporates and B schools on how to turn failure into success. Amitabh Bachchan is human. He made the wrong choices but stopped, took a breath, before taking one step at a time, which is a huge lesson for all of us.

Stars may come and go. It’s a mistake comparing to the established stars for Amitabh Bachchan belongs to an era that can never be emulated. He is beyond comparison and how much we may well choose to ignore his achievements and phenomenal star power, the sheer madness of standing in a queue, seethis and taalis flung on screen. Nobody can ever match his steps or his shoes too big to be filled.


Happy birthday Amitabh Bachchan Sir


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Passwords lost & found

Passwords are our secret vault and opening a pandora world, we are privy to. I have always been passwords sensitive and trust me, forgetting the codes lies in my DNA. This entire secret vault is always a headache and the last month, my old laptop conked to death. A new laptop means headache retrieving every possible password, read Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, emails and what’s not.

It leaves me with no choice and had a harrowing time, logging on Amazon Prime opening on laptop, Ipad and the iPhone. Finally, it was sorted out. Netflix can only be accessed on laptop and forgot to jot it down. Just imagine failure to register and canceling on credit card would freak me out. Ask me about the code and can’t remember them. I was able to save some of my passwords, jotted on a paper chit and stored on my laptop but can’t remember Linkedin and Twitter passwords, which means I can only access the phone.

How on earth to remember all passwords! It’s such a pain to log off and create new strong passwords to log in on all possible devices. I hit the grey cells and woe betide me, for they can’t be remembered at all. The bottom line is to take a note of all the passwords and keep it in one place, unlike the scattered places only guarded by the secret Gods. Passwords whittle down to privacy. No wonder, the GDPR law is in place. Let’s not speak about WP and while I comment on blogs, need to register zillion times and synching everything is like rocket science. How can you remember all the possible codes? It’s easy! Always store all of them in a uniquely, hideous place.

The snag with people like me is that we are so careless with passwords and assuming things will be saved to be logged automatically. But, then, there are unforeseen circumstances unfurling. Honestly speaking, got a new laptop and yet to retrieve all the codes. The moment, my old laptop went for a toss. I was paralyzed with the pending works happening with Gmail the savior on the I-pad saving the day.

Most of our works nowadays are conducted online and it pays to remember our access points. Ignore it at your own peril. Phone applications will not save your life but incapacitated with loss of passwords. I learned it the hard way. The lazy me is still burning the fingers with the near obsession of being present on all possible devices.

I have always been weak with passwords with so many countless emails that I have. In total, I am logged with two Gmail accounts, one yahoo mail, one on India Times and Rediff who are decades old accounts, so much got tired that canceled two additional yahoo emails. Be password smart should be the bottom line with the reluctant digital adopter which I have always been.

Can’t fathom that would end up penning an entire post on the forgotten passwords, a chunk of which I ended up re-creating and sky forbid, should I lose my bank accounts the digital way, hell! Mom suggested that I make a couple of lists and kept in a place, she is in the loop and keeping a copy in my drawer, including a digital format. Don’t take passwords for granted and always remember where you keep them or else a flustered life awaits you.





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Karmic debt and the tea cup


maddening sensation,

stirring trouble and storm in a teacup,

whipping worries,

not all stories have a happy ending,


twist and turn,

wheel of time,

inflates and deflates,

catching speed,

hitting a bump,

destiny and hope,

lends a lyrical tone,

expression of sadness and happiness,

the mind’s a storm,

ravages when the sea turns still,

the forlorn battle,

waged inside,

running away from the shadow,

caught by time and destiny,

the price we pay in form of struggle,

for wrongs committed,

the karmic debt,

ebbs and flows,

darkness erupting,


before a new dawn surface.




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Sex capitalism of pleasure toys!

Sex belongs to none and all. Our ancient Indian culture has depicted this game of mating and procreation with color, embedded in tradition. In modern times, sex is beyond procreation and oodle of fun flows from gyrating to rhythmic pleasure called foreplay and orgasmic. Shush! Pleasure play, stroking and sex toys in silent whispers and don’t tell the world, except Gods of lust and businesses making a kill on kinky in the market.

Ever wonder why dark chocolate is more expensive? Pretty much like the old age sexual adage and something I wrote on Twitter the last time, Sex is like choco, the more you have, the more you want. We are aroused in a world of sexual denial. The longings for everything sexual verges from monotony to routine, albeit daily occurrences running rampage in our minds but merely brushing it away is no quick fix solution. So much for our sexual fantasies. The worst play out when sexual capitalism kills foreplay to enter our intimate bedroom uninvited, cashing on the suppressed envy and lust, like the dirty uncle.

The only store calling itself India’s No 1 for orgasmic pleasure and am refraining from taking the name takes pride in offering sex toys, lingerie, lubes and vibrator for self-pleasure romance. It should have been truly liberating for folks wanting thrilling pleasure and setting free as sexual beings.  Bad signals. I clicked on the website and was in for a surprise seeing the huge price to play starting from 7 k and going beyond 30k. So much for pleasuring!


Orgasmic pleasure is utmost natural, something many, or for that matter, most of us do inside the confines of our private and intimate scene, the bedroom or hotel room. There are several reasons for that right from, singles yearning for sex and someone’s partner working, unfulfilling marriage or distant partners living or working across the shores in the globe. The point I am making is that on one hand, we are speaking about the need not to suppress our sexual desires as human beings to be unfettered and the other, a company imposing a huge price on everything pleasurable. Shouldn’t this experience be one among the many affordable goods on the market minus the huge price tag imposed?

A friend commented on my Facebook post on how the company is enjoying a huge monopoly on pleasure and as a deliberate attempt when sometimes back, Amazon was selling or is still at dirt cheap price. It’s something I was alien to and remains to be checked. A travesty of sensual fun and beefing the idea of an exclusive sex toy club of the rich boy and glamorous babe. Why should the commoners be deprived of fun?

In today’s time, sex is not a tool but an emotionally charged energy for good health and in specific circumstances, saving a marriage or a relationship gone awry. It doesn’t take away the fact that people are unwilling to speak about sex but experiencing under the sheet. Accessibility is seemingly lost on us and the much needed sexual revolution needed to make people speak the three-letter words or share sexual fantasies is a distant dream. As a nation, we need to grow not out of shame but freely. Sex or pleasure objects are not attached to stigma or guilt-ridden to perpetuate one society but to be experienced freely.

The worst part is such businesses are playing moral policing in an invisible or subdued fashion to control urges or desires. Indulging in harmless fantasy would mean seeking the blessing of a company selling sex toys at exorbitant prices?

My friend makes a fair and valid point on how pleasure toys have been banned from all the major and normal websites, read Amazon and the others, so that only one or few are getting a free hand in to sell and rake the moolah while depriving the masses, the US, the humans, men and women. The bottom line remains the deep scare that adult store toys would spread like plague in reaching to everyone and breaking the monopoly, in her own words. The democratization of sex has been lost and starting with high handedness morality, whittles to the huge price and arrogant justification flung on the young people. Patriarchy in the form of business taking over our sex lives.

Take one example, the vibrator is a balm for many lonely, occasional, boring or regular sexual beings. In short, humans love using the vibrator and to make a point, it’s something I never used but quite tempted for pleasure and arousal in future. The vibrator has been effective and beautiful tapped to express emotions and quench longing hinging on complex sexual beings portrayed in Netflix’s Lust Stories. And, to think the quoted price,  is a whopping almost 7.6K! Woah!

The time has come to make sex tools accessible and the suppression is working big time with businesses controlling objects of pleasures and fulfillment. We live in times of suppressing needs and longing where despite liberalism the entire game of sex is becoming the battle of unequal, similar to control in exploitative system feeding deprived and depravity, to stifle emotional desires. No wonder that sex is controlled with capitalism having the upper hand and sparing none.

Be honest about what we want and sexual rights not to be snatched away from the commoners. Why shouldn’t the rural poor and middle class not have access to sex toys and tools for we need more of it through awareness, the right education, and purchasing power to buy toys fondling the flesh and senses?

With Love