It’s been a while since Mother’s Day was celebrated last Sunday the time I started to pen the post leaving it behind as I reflected on equations shared with Mom.
There have been many such moments over the years and the defining moment came post-COVID when mom’s health suddenly failed and she became frail to recover, the time I made the decision to move away from her a decision I was longing to take and finally did after having a conversation with someone who pointed that we become unhappy when we started to live for others. More on that later in a new post that I’ve been writing.
It made more good than bad to me when I came closer to Mom where we spoke on the phone every day on almost every mundane thing. Sometimes, when she misses my call and I don’t call she will, a reminder about how much she loves and cares for me where over the time I moved away, I became closer and shared a strong bond with someone whose name is Shanti whom I would joking refer to friends as Ashanti.
How I wish to get the time to write about mom, the moments she surprised me as a gift with this flute stick candy as the most precious childhood gift that makes me look back with awe and brings a smile, the stories she would narrate from my nani, anecdotes and seeing her knitting, dropping me to school and home, growing up in a difficult environment and what’s not!
I hope to get time to write about growing up, drifting apart, back in the home environment where I didn’t want to stay yet I did, leading to unhappiness, frustration and making me unhappy, lashing at her.
It’s not a mea culpa. There have been times when I’ve spelled really offensive and insulting words that shouldn’t have been in the first place. It happened that once mom who never used a desktop ended up switching it off since someone was doing some work at home.
In a flurry of anger, I called her imbecile, ignoring that if we are not used to something we will not, whether it’s me or anyone. It happened again when I resorted to name-calling when there was an unreasonable neighbor with whom I was having a spat and Mom just told me to calm down. Again in anger, I told the same words. In fact, the tirade was not directed at her but that asshole of a person. It shouldn’t have been in the first place and I realize when the stress is directed at me, I am at a loss and not in control of things.
I carried this guilt for a long time with me till I decided to say sorry to her leading me to feel light. The fact is that I’ve been staying at ‘home’ the place I really don’t like and when such frustrations gnaws I was directing the anger at my mom.
There have many such instances when many moons back she told me during a conversation that I am putting her down. At that time, I didn’t realize about and thought I was never doing that. Yet, with time I feel there is a need to hold space for each one of us has their own limitations and wouldn’t be very comfortable as people. It might appear that we see our parents as strong as they were from a kid’s perspective and we don’t realize how they age or grow vulnerable. We all do.
Under pressure, when other people say things we end up doing or saying things when someone would tell us why I am moving away and what my parent would do. Under duress, I would say I’ll just live for myself and what I’ve got to do whether she’ll be alone. I know such words might have hurt her like blood. She didn’t say it. I told it not with ulterior motives and rather just as a defense mechanism way of coping. I should have come up with a better way of reaction. I know that. Now, it’s not something or words that I can withdraw. We say things.
As I mentioned, with time and much before leaving, things are fine between us, and most of the decisions are taken in consultation with her. There are many such moments like some people were asking on Mother’s Day. I vividly remember as a kid about studying in two rooms that was still under construction. It was a Sunday. I was plain bored and didn’t want to study more. Dad was more the one with a soft heart with me and mom was the strict disciplinarian. She coaxed me to study more since there was a surprise for me. It was enough to distract me and kept on pressing on her, being adamant and faking tears, thinking she was lying.
We didn’t have lots of financial means and undergoing hardship when she gave me a nicely wrapped stick candy, beautifully designed like a flute. I was blowing into the candy flute, composing music fancying to the ear till it got over. Such priceless moments.
Mom is someone who could stand and fight people out, always telling that there is no need to fear when you are on the right said. Be fearless, she always. I’ve seen her fearlessly complain against the municipal people who left the garbage that they should have picked up. I am not the type who can do that and a bit like Dad in that respect.
One priceless advice that mom keeps doling out to me on the phone even now and one of the biggest lessons, kissi ka bura nahin karte which means never harm or hurt anyone and try to help whenever it’s possible. She’s still such a wise lady who showers love with her phone calls, saying you haven’t called or told me if you don’t have money to buy a blood pressure machine, I can send you. Or, you have to be patient.
I am not the type who can say I love you to mom while showering it with words, affection and gifts. And for people who think I’ve left mom to stay on my own, just know that whatever decision I have taken is in by telling her for a long time. At a personal level, It was and is a huge risk which I am aware of. Like I told someone the last time, every decision was taken in consultation and shared with her.
On a lighter note, I am still scolded by Mom when she gives gyaan on things I forget or neglecting the health. She still tells me not to overexert at the gym or not indulge in too much salty food.
P.S.: The post is edited since it came from the heart. except from Grammarly checking typos and it took me a week to write, due to my daily routine. I started on Mother’s Day and finished it just now. I might edit at some later stage and forgive if it comes as a shoddy piece. Feels a tad lighter after spelling it out.
Love
V
Vishal Bhidu 