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Day 31

Fuck!! Fuck!! Fuck!! I ain’t cursing coz it’s April Fool. India just lost the semis against West Indies despite a flying start. And, when we thought it’s done and the Indies have a near impossible chase, it all went kaput. Guess, it’s as hard as fuck. Pun intended!! It makes the night sour when we were almost sure to lift the cup this time. Never ignore the underdogs as England showed yesterday. No Lagaan for us, at least!! That’s the positive. But, hail King Virat Kohli. Is there anything he can’t do?!

Holi came and went. It was a lovely holi filled with angelic and divine surprise after aeons on March 24. I was missing my earlier festival of colors during the college days where Bhang, Gulal, and dance was served on the platter. It suddenly felt like the gud old days. Guess!! I gotta make my wish for something stronger for it never fails me. I was like how I wanna play Holi this time but there was no company. On the eve, I smeared Gulal on the face and on D-day, I was on my way to visit our family friends. I had second thought of walking on the street to parade a multi-colored face like a character from Avatar but I was like what the heck!! Let the child inside the grown up body come out, alive and kicking. I was welcomed to the house of our family friends with the kids playing with dry Gulal and they enthusiastically asked me, Will you play with us? I couldn’t stop thanking my stars and turned into a kid in no time. They cheered, yeah and we played, sprinkling colors on the face, clothes and hair. I didn’t expect to play with colors and the kids made my day. Did I tell you that I made a video sending a personal message on FB? Not very happy with the final version shot on I-pad for I was loud and my Hindi turned out to be accented. Must have done some 10 retakes.

On the personal front, wondering what’s in store for me. I need to do a self-assessment real fast on what I need to do with my life. Days and nights resemble each other. Been staying awake for the whole night and tossing on bed where sleep is eluding me, turning me into an over-thinker. The irony is there was a time when I loved staying awake at night with eyes wide open and now when I wanna crash, it’s just not happening to me.

The career woe is taking a toll on me for the past three years as things been on a slippery slope with shuttling jobs and places that haven’t been really fulfilling for me. Depression took me to a new low every time with the hair turning grey in no time. Still waiting for the magic to happen but seems that it’s a long, overdue wait. Fuck up happens!! For how long?! Question marks remain. Perhaps, I need to vent it out by crying my heart out to release pent-up energy. Thankfully, I am more balanced this time, unlike the past two years. Still, feel like hitting my head on the wall.

Been unemployed for quite some time now. I am in talk with a media group where I am negotiating salary and all but there is no guarantee that they will take me or I will, for that matter, take the abysmal low package they are offering. Savings is dry and EMI, loans need to be paid. I am in the desperate look out for freelance writing so that I can earn something by sitting at home. Few places have rejected my applications and some of them didn’t even respond. It feels bad and hit the most where it hurts, the ego. I have a strong opinion about myself as a media professional and it’s not something that will change, no matter how browbeaten I am.

Folks, if you happen to know something about freelancing or someone looking for a writer online, do shout out to me for I am in real need. Right now, I am not in India but wouldn’t mind working from home since I am in touch with all the Indian issues and all.

I need to push myself and gotta sit to do my profile for I have already registered on few worldwide freelance websites but thing is that I always leave stuff midway. My tomorrow never comes. Trust me, I curse myself after that. When things hit you real hard, you keep wondering whether you doing things the right way or something is sorely missing. It drains you and sap the energy within. You lose the vitality to see things in a clear-cut and sensible manner. I so wanna build my freelance career for I don’t see myself doing a regular job but makes the moolah as a writer on my own, by sitting at home, in the long-term.

As you know, I am taking part in the April A to Z Blogging Challenge and it’s my third participation. For the first time, I don’t have a theme but I am dabbling with fiction about memory loss, the struggle of an actor and as always, Mumbai as the backdrop. Feels quite flustered nowadays when I am speeding against time. Sometimes, you feel vindicated with the situation flung at you by life and gets angry with the world for being dealt at in an unfair manner. You feel that you don’t deserve to be treated by life that way nd it’s pointless to go, bag a university degree or slogging to build a career.

I just feel like closing my eyes and strive not to imagine anything happening but feel positive energy which is quite a luxury nowadays. As you can see on the blog, there are lots of book reviews and more to come. I am on a reading spree and there are many magazines that haven’t been read. It’s waiting for me to consume.

Just can’t believe that I have written 800 plus words for this crap post about things encapsulating my existence. Guess, we all have our own battles and wars to wage, isn’t it?! High time to look ahead and explore career options in UAE, one market that I am keen on and perhaps, might be back to India as an alternate.




PS: The post has not been written to get sympathy. It’s just that I need to vent and speak to myself.