Swach Baal Abhiyan and dharna against Lal Batti the Sonu Nigam way


The Aam Aadmi is becoming very Khaas Khaas in today’s time with the lal batti gone for a toss and Azaan becoming a mighty power that can deafen our ears…sorry Sonu Nigam’s ears.  Why just Azaan? You name it you get, Mandir ka Puja aur neta ka bhashan. Our Sonu Nigam, of course, got so disturbed that he decided to be very aam with the Lal Batti getting out of our lives and followed Kejriwal Dharna steps by getting his hair shaved. Baal Baal dekho…meri baal dooba. Tere lal batti na raha soniya balon mere na raha….tere Azaan purana mar gaya mere bal deewane.

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Image credit: Google

Our Sonu Baba was sorely missing the Lal Batti that he shaved his head in a moment of weakness to hide the red light under the arm’s pit. So much anger, Sonu Baba that trolls weren’t sparing thinking that it’s Sood and not Nigam. Arre Baba! He’s our Sonu and not the real deal over Snapchat. No wonder, Sood got trolled instead of Nigam. ‘Bas naam ka confusion’ on Twitter.

Who wants Sonu’s hair? I bet no Maulvi will play booty booty over Ganja Sonu. Now, who will get a complex over shaved hair? If anyone threatens the tolerant and sickular you with hair shaving formula to adhere loyalty to Bharat Mata, just offer your head without hard feeling and tell them, ‘Make me like Sonu, Be like Sonu.” Better still, you can become a Ganja like our Master Sonu before the Bhakts come after you with threats after ranting against Modi-Ji or BJP on Twitter. It couldn’t be a better defense, I tell you.

The hair loss removal clinics who disturbs us at odd hours on the idiot box has been beaten to death with this simple Sonu formula. You can learn to strum a brand new composition on how to go ‘ganja’ in less than 24 hours and to stay relevant in the news.  All you wanna be celebrities, move over Rakhi Sawant’s Pankha act or the Poonam Pandey removing everything for Indian cricket team for the has-been and unemployed Sonu tells you how to make breaking news on national Television. It’s no longer about removing everything to go naked but go and get rid of your hair. Baal Baal dekho! Wanna play Baal baal and not booty shake without doing the Lungi dance? Worry not for Sonu’s tutorial is here to give you tips on how to become bald chutki mein.

It’s how creative you can get when disturbed by noises and the pigeons nagging you like a pesky wife boring you to death. Think again about doing the rehearsed and desperate act of standing at the window sills to shoo away the pigeons and letting the air flow in.  Simple! Apply some Zandu balm on your bald head and take the loud speaker to hum, ‘Sonu Badnaam hua dahling tere liye!’ That way, not just Azaan but even the pigeons will flock to a safer place knowing that our Nigam will make them badnaam with his bald head and voice.

I am just wondering how about the Modi Government making Sonu Nigam the brand new ambassador of ‘Bal Safai’ and once you get them removed, it can be recycled. Ab Banega Swach Balon ka recycle Sonu Nigam se puchiye isse phekna mat par sambhal ke rakhna kyunki kissi majboor ke kaam aa sakte. Swach Balon Abhiyan Sonu Nigam ke Saath. Don’t ever throw away your hair but keep it in a safe vault for Sonu to disguise himself as a baba and sing for you on the streets. After all, he will be the new brand ambassador of our hair gone for a toss in protest against the Lal Batti bowing out or Azaan making us go crazy.

Arre Baba, now what will happen to our desi Sapna Bhavnani cutting only the hair of celebrities? Obviously, Sapna joined Big Boss for she knew that with her friend Sonu, she would soon go out of job. Karmic call!

Love

V

 

 

 

 

 

 

The King of Good Times and Her Majesty’s Mehmaan


Who says he is no longer the King of Good Times? A perfectly scripted story that would send Modi-Ji’s demonetisation move in the cupboard as it would have been the perfect steal to bring Vijay Mallya back home. Another master stroke in the making! Wrong signal it seems as Mallya was arrested and got bail in no time.

Ever wondered what the British cops and courts were lured with? The promise of an exotic free trip in the now dead KingFisher airlines with calendar girls for company and the rare sight of sexy and bold air hostesses in skimpy red KF uniform. Gimme Red! In true Mallya style, a promise of Kingfisher Beer Strong ultra mild. Is it the biggest illusion? Not to the now secretly public owners of our Kohinoor, dearest British friends but to us, Indians, who thought the Indian Government would be credited for this ingenuity of bringing Mallya home. It’s the Don moment, Mallya ko pakadna mushkil hi nahin namunkin hai. Koi bhi chance nahin as The King of Good Times remain well…the Baadshah that beats SRK to death. Those Pappus thinking he would become a pauper overnight! Keep dreaming, the Mallya dude must be laughing at us.

After all, Waqt waqt ki baat hai and what one can do in a matter of three hours? Getting bail and partying with his damsels in Raja style and tweeting to the world he thinks we runk are sinking in our illusion that he is our apna and no paraya. He is the Raja and we are the runk whose plans has gone Kaput. Poor, Praja, us who thought that the Raja of Good Times would adorn our new and glamorous Kingfisher calendar posing in different avatars with handcuffs for the rest of the year replacing our old calendars with the bevy of beauties striking a pose in the cold waters of Goa. Now, where is the sword of Tippu Sultan? Obviously cutting his white beard and selling them for 9,000 crores. Who will enter this 9,000 crores club made of daari and Tippu Sultan sword? Ask Salman, Rohit Shetty and SRK for 100 crores is passe now.

 

The King of Good Times is epic as he secured bail faster than the Rahul Baba and Akhilesh Bhaiya lost UP upar neeche and no, Mallya Sir is not giving our Sarkar an orgasm of sort. Maan na Maan, Mallya is the Mehmaan of her majesty, United Kingdom. See, he not Brexited! Ask Theresa for the month of May will not be ours to rejoice. As it is, it’s making our Sarkar nibbling fingers and racking brains on how to make the King lose his mojo and crave for his Bad Times.  The angrez brexited avatar is legion and our Mallya is not extradited. It’s all about the power like the netas will tell us. A game of cat and mouse Mallya played with the cops and for now, we have to abandon our dream of singing a duet with him, Pehla aap welcoming him in jail. How he gave us the slip and it feels like apna Mallya who once sung, Jaa jaldi bhag bhaaag jaa imagining himself to be the hero of Priyadarshan’s remake Bhagam Bhaag.

Image credit: Google

No wonder, the Raja of Good Times gave as freebies an extra mild and poisonous concoction to Angrez authorities so that he could sip his liquor in peace. King Fisher beer me milawat hai, bhai! It’s a truly United Spirit tale of Raja aur Rancho who needs to make a comeback on the small screen to tell the tale of the King of Good Times. It’s a Royal Challenge (ers) to get this Mallya dude.

Our man knows for sure how to stump the laws and deliver a sixer in the land that once ruled us. He is our asli Kohinoor and trust our Angrez friends to get him back. Wait! Maybe Prince William and Kate will bring this Kohinoor in their luggage the next time they pose for a selfie in front of Taj Mahal. Till then, the King of Good Times will be busy dancing to the tune of Kala Chasma with William and Kate. Who knows?

Now, time for all of us, Sarkar, media and mango people to call it a day, do some chest thumping and Kingfisher extra mild pee ke talli ho jao. Let’s stop the hype for the Raja is the only hype. Now, where is my Kingfisher premium beer? Time to cool my heels?

Cheerz to the King of Good Times

V

 

Love Jihad reincarnated! Baba Yogi Nath’s Swach UP Abhiyaan


Love Jihad and Ghar Waapsi is back like super God man trudging the hills to sweep all awards and rewards that beat Terminator hands down. Don’t look to the west when we have our own desi Donald Trump incarnate in Yogi Aditya Nath. UP mein hum dum kyon ki wahan pe daaku nahin hai par sirf ek Yogi Aditya Nath. Our Yogi will put UP on the world map. Hello! Ghar Waapsi, conversion and evangelizing Hindustan. Any takers?!

A secularism mukh Bharat spearheaded by the Desh Bhakt will make us fringe as if an unnamed, invisible and non-existence God is descending our planet to save all Hindus from Videshi Taakat.  Our Yogi now converted into CM Sahab is a pure genius of a Mathematician that shall beat Einstein to death with his calculations, riots in UP blamed on the back of Muslims. Jai Ho! UP Mein hain dum kyon ki Bhakt Nath hai. Wah re! BJP! Brand Modi! Brand Amit Shah! Your communal calculus has not only stumped in political Rajneet but satta also. Kamaal Kursi ka!

Mitron! It’s how brand fire politics is played with RSS winning over the Government and defeating it by a whisker. You bet it happens only in UP! What a signal to entire India! It’s secular free Bharat. We are tempted to think. They telling us to shut up. Now, SLB must be smiling in silence for his written song, Dishkaon in Ram-Leela has been taken seriously by his own dushmans to make it Ishqaon Yogi Dishkaon. Kya baat! Kya baat! Kya baat! Let’s be silent! Who knows next they will ask the voice of dissent to go to Pakistan and global Indians to forget desh to migrate to our neighborhood. I am actually wondering on the new CM’s first policy: boost Pakistan’s tourism, of course. A harmless criticism and your passport to Pakistan is inked. Ab hoga bhai chara aur Samjhauta Express between India and Pakistan with the ambassador of love (Jihad) and Ghar Waapsi, Shri Yogi Aditya Nath.

Munch ladoo mixed with a sprinkle of Bhakt in (tolerance) for UP Rashtra is born and sanitized with so much of Hindutva that Theresa will be mummied in pictures and not in spirit. See, she is the evil version of Lara Croft from another era. It’s now the age of Satyug the Babas way hymning Sanskritised religious hymns, Babaloo! Babaloo! Come to the divine in UP. A minority lesson is on the way how to stay under the spell of Baba Nath’s tolerance.

The commandment of the century, secularization buri bimari and it’s clean up time in UP only with the Babas and Yogis sanitizing the state so much that Ram Gopal Verma is already thinking of shifting his Sarkar 4 from Maharashtra to UP. A new tale of a yogi Baba, donning the orange saffron robe in Sarkar 4. Whatta master stroke BJP from stealing the Sarkar right under the nose Akhilesh Bhaiya to give to Babalog. Swach UP Aabhiyaan.

Bhaiya-ji aur Behena, what did you vote for? Nath Babu is not promoting Pan Banaraswala but Baba yogi Pan with a sauce of Patanjali giving so much fun to bhaiyas and behenas that you forgot the ek dum original wali…Maya Behena. Bas, EVM ka confusion?! Trust Kabrastan and Shamshan to make it to the thesaurus.

Incorrectly correct

V

 

Satire: Ban the black money kyon ki ₹ 500 & ₹ 1000’s Maa of Kali Kartoot


It’s the PINK of all notes! Indian ₹ 500 currency note is going PINKY PINK.  No! Means No! No to Black Money! Has PINK-The Film gone too much to the head of Modi-ji taking it to the next level?  Pradhan Mantri-Ji says No means No to ₹ 500 and ₹ 1000 notes. Now, who will sing PINKY paise wali par apne jeb hai khali khali!

Just when we thought that the US election took center stage like hot samosas and Vada Pav to munch, Narendra Modi just hogs the limelight away singing in the face of Amreeka, Apdi Pode Pode! Notes Notes na Raha! Beware! Hoarders were singing and playing Black Black with their money when they suddenly find themselves stuck like the old gramophone with the Government packing a punch. It’s the Maa of all Surgical Strikes. Now, Pak how will you deny this surgical strike! I know what our Padosi will say, it was never money just a Kagaz ka tukda that we Indians fake for money. Our middle class is suddenly singing in front of the ATMs in India, White white notes dekhein sasura chance marenge!

Credit: Twitter

First, it was Arnab Goswami’s exit, then ₹ 500 and ₹ 1000 gone for a toss and now Evil Trump ruling over US. Yeh Sunke mera khalega kyon phat nahin gaya! Arre Bhagwan! Our notes are gone like the wind and silly me wondering what one can do with the notes! Die Another Day! It’s no Pan Bahar the Pierce Brosnan way. I believe in conserving energy. How about the notes doubling as toilet papers, wrapping channa and paper bags holding our fatty fries at KFC or Mc Donald? Never Ever say the notes are useless.  Hey, they are getting so pricey that they will now hold our Indian street snacks like the sexy Madam in long heels.  Kya kya nahin kar sakte! They suddenly look like the fading and Last American wala Action Hero in Hollywood potboilers like what Amreeka is poised to be with Trump Mama.

Image credit: Twitter

Shed as many tears to mourn our old notes hoarded mistaking it to be our Kohinoor stacked in underground which is now the departed soul much to our dismay. It suddenly feels like the story of our break up.  Chetan Bhagat and Karan Johar, take a cue for your next best seller to ring in the moolah.  I feel like prancing on the dance floor to the breakup song…Break Up Song…Break  Up Song. Unlike Anushka, I ain’t putting moo pe makeup kar liya. It’s the Maa of Kali Kartoot of burning mera ₹ 500 and ₹ 1000 notes. Wait! Actually, I can shower the string of notes to my ex. Baby! It’s your gift for life.

See! How rich I am! Will you marry me? Chuck out your Mr Money bag for I am the new douche bag in town with mera purane wale old notes. Baap re! I am no hoarder and don’t trade in black. Don’t give me those looks or pout for I ain’t falling for that, Missus.

All the Fakira Baba, feel free to hound me on the streets for I have plenty of ₹ 500 and ₹1000 notes to give you. You have harassed me for life and now it’s my turn to make you khao stale Diwali wale ladoo filled with Ras. Isse kehte hai Paisa Mein Twist! I ain’t gonna sing paisa ye paisa kaise for this Kagaz ka Tukda is our best enemy to sleep with and the worse to stab us in the back.

Stop burning woods, I tell you. Are Bhai! Yeh Purana ₹ 500 aur ₹ 1000 ka notes kiss kaam ka and after all, you can burn them in your Hawan Kund for your Saath Phere. After all, we Indians are famous for doing Jhol. It’s the Shagun of no value for the Big Fat Indian Wedding in exchange for free Mithai, Thali aur Daaru. Lighten up! Let Loose! You can always turn your guests away by burning their Kagaz in smoke to give them in exchange  bad bad pollution wala Shagun when you go round round the mandap. Money talk! Be a slave of moneyless value.

Now that your pocket will be fully loaded with stack of cash worth ₹ 2000, be prepared to get fatter and fatter with the fatty cholesterol that you wilfully filled yourself with at Mc Do, American Pizza and on the street stalls. The Sarkar doesn’t want you to be healthy. Now, who the fuck said, travel light and shed the excess baggage?

Our ₹ 500 aur ₹ 1000 notes suddenly feel like Donald Trump whom we can whip and whack giving wind to our own fancy. Stop fantasizing about whacking in unchartered zone with belts made with ₹ 500 and ₹ 1000 notes. Who knows it might just turn out to be true and backfire on us? It’s a weird world I tell you with Trump Baba winning and our notes fizzling out like Chinese crackers. Who ever thought that the slaying demon Ravana will rule our mind and thoughts forever?

I gonna make heart-shaped  ₹ 500 &  ₹ 1000 notes, clipping them on my favorite white pigeon’s claw singing, ‘Kabutar Jaa Jaa’ to send my Ishq wala love proposal to the damsel. It’s the time to croon a brand new tune in the topsy-turvy world turned into air turbulences. RIP to my ₹ 500 and ₹ 1000 notes! I can be dumb you see! How I wish I could have borrowed 500 and 1000 notes worth millions? I would have made a killing.

Chalo! Meow! Lemme count my Chillar for da party! Yo! Honey Singh! You can invite yourself for I’ll pay you with ₹500 and ₹1000 notes that my chai wala has turned down to croon a new rap chillar wala mehenga rupaiya aur sasta ₹500 aur ₹ 1000 ka notes.

Politically Incorrect and Satirically flawed

V

 

 

 

Satire: When Arnab leaves Maike, TV goes silent


 

The TV is muted! It’s the noiseless cracker that will send the Chinese fuming over what happened in India! It’s the sweet revenge over Chinese for India like the Bong sexy women looking Roshagullah and popping Gulab Jamun cheering this victory. Never Ever Ever Say Indian TV is going blank! The Nation wants to know how and why! Na na re na! Our Arnab Goswami  will no longer shout in our living room! A Diwali shocker. Never Ever say to ban Chinese crackers! It’s a silent calamity as our Arnab saying taa taa bye bye to Times Now!

Mourn! We will never hear, ‘This is my Show! It beats all surgical strikes to death. One can hear Mohamed Rafi’s voice playing in the background as Arnab walks all decked in his farewell suit, Babul ki dua leti jaa jaa tujhko shukhi sansar mile Maike ki kabhi yaad aaye sasural ke kabhie na yaad aaye!! I wanna shed a tear or two for Arnab looking like the bride leaving her maike for her new sasural. Yeh kya hua, kaise hua kab hua, kyon hua! Whom we will curse now? What will happen to our Twitter Memes! I am already whining and lamenting my fate with Nahin! Are Bhagwan! My tweets troll  has gone outta work like some unemployed bugger shedding bucket of tears…oops onion peeling causing my eyes to moist for yours truly is feeling like an unphunny asshole. I am so heartbroken that all my ruthless girlfriends who ditched me suddenly looked so nice and full of love in comparison to Arnab.

The face of India TV, Arnab Goswami could be the new and modern Gandhi ji on the now illegal ₹ 500 and ₹ 1000 notes that PM Modi has just given jhatka to the janta! For posterity, I mean! Hey, Arnab Goswami could well be the new army general to fight India’s war on the border or slug it out with Rahul Gandhi to count who came first, eggs or chickens as panelists. Our Arnab wanna revolutionize, oops wage war on global TV to make it huge and bigger than his King Size image. It makes me wonder whether Barkha is smiling, doing the lungi dance for Arnab will no longer scare us to death! Now India is not worrying but wanna Know what happened! Has Barkha Dutt’s outburst gone to our Arnab’s Head so much that he decided to blow Phataka and Phuljari on our psyche! Come and take that! It’s the Special Arnab rocket Goswami.

What will happen to our soap now with Arnab going out of the Box! It’s the return of Maa for AB TV Pe Arnab Nahin Hai Nahin Hai! One wonders who will for fuck sake nurse our wounds for not getting angry, irritated or laughing loud! Now, stop faking anger orgasm at your box. It’s no longer his show.  You’ve just been Arnab-ed for a week. It’s Ae Dil No Mushkil for the Man who has stopped solving all the problems of India. Abe yaar! Is your Maths weak like mine! Now, ban the word castration for our imagination is just doing that! The loud noise is gone like Phataka fizzling out of our living rooms. Our Arnab taught us the difference between Snap Chat and drought! Now, who will help me polish my GK and pass my Environment exams when he will be busy exploring Snap Chat! Sniff! Sniff! See, how Tommy Singh is sleeping peacefully and not barking at the intruder on TV. Ever fancied silent movie?!  Now, stop bursting crackers, don’t you know Arnab has gone silent?! Itna Sanata kyon hai Bhai!

Hilariously Yours

V