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Valentine Pe Charcha!

Once upon a time in Wonderland, lived a dork and a rimmed spectacle beast infatuated by the Cinderella beauty who oozed charm and sensuality. He waited for the day to seduce with chocolate, red roses, and mushy card to win her heart. The testosterone level rose higher and the body temperature level soared feverishly. He was convinced it was his chance to go for the kill. Valentine Day lurked closer to shuffle his card and play smart, believing that the beauty will bite the bait.

He waited for one whole year to propose and after all, don’t they say flower fragrance makes us loyal lovers. The euphoria died and the beauty slipped away from his hand. The flowers, chocolates, and heart-shaped card sashayed its way on Insta, Facebook, and Twitter. The male gaze counts the petal while the female heart longs for the prince charming riding high on the horse to steal her away. Our missed hero’s dreams went into tatters.


Luv shuv slipping behind the imaginary bed sheet and the mind became an enemy on the world’s Valentine Day. All roses sold like hot pancakes and no country too big to run away from lovers recovering from amnesia. Suddenly, we were in love with Valentine’s love toast and notes pe charcha poster boy, Nirav Modi who swept us off our feet and suddenly disappearing into the hole. Our Nirav Baba is the toast of the season, running away with the crores to make our Valentine yaadgar. We have just recovered from Valentine as if some bird flu made a silly comeback and offering company between the legs. Oops! Whose legs are shaved this Valentine Day and the priceless gift of Vaseline cream becoming balm to our broken hearts? Who has got this crazy idea of forking apna sapna money money to make a hole in the pocket…naughty mind I said pocket hole not some other hole! Nobody does Valentine like this Nirav man who has nicely got away with all the crores while we emptied our dime and cents to woo lady Valentine. He is the new teddy bear in town. Ever ready to give Nirav Modi a bear hug selfie to post on social media with Happy Valentine and professing love ke liye kuch bhi karega!

Our beast is nursing his misfortune. He could have impersonated this Modi chap to win over her beauty. She could have found him sensitive. So what he is ugly! After all, she could have been the valentine in exchange for crores. No lover is cheap, after all. They could have sung the duet, mein ladki Po Po Tu Ladka Po Po doing a velfie dance on Facebook. Inspiring love! What say!

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Valentine Day is all about hope and kicks in the bum to send aspiring lovers’ adrenaline rushing on spotting a tiny estrogen. Wait! Chai per charcha! Mann ki baat! Hell! No Valentine pe Charcha! Our PM could have turned into love guru and all mitrons making a beeline, listening to his speech on how to seduce on Valentine Day and demonetize love. So many love stories would be churned by cross-dressing and cross legging a la Baba Ramdev in splitting position. The various sex asanas on V-Day would make unfortunate and ugly duckling like us sip the solo wine and wait for her to pull back the streaky hair with a smile and invite us to heavenly bliss. Why should women have all the fun on V-Day while we men can show our cleanly shaven legs wearing the RSS Khaki shorts, parading our assets in the name of love and flowers?

Now, I badly need a date after being women dutch for years! Single just doesn’t pay. I am really believing in God Valentine now for sending Priya Varrier’s viral teasing smile to win over my heart. Valentine Day has reignited hope in my heart. If Priya Varrier’s winks can, why can’t I? Valentine is over. Sniff! Sniff! Now delete all those mushy smooches, kiss in the air, declaration of love for Sunny Leone is passe and our Priya (tamma) Varrier is in. Never ever underestimate a Valentine smile, I tell you. Almost died of diabetes on Valentine with so much sugary love spread all over the place like Naan butter quenching my hunger for love. A matter of wink, Modi, and Valentine pe Charcha after all. I hate Valentine Day! No promise me Shiv Sena, Karni Sena and Bajrang Dal you won’t break my legs for I am no lass.




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Viruska ki Shaadi

Tuscany is stumped. A sixer whipped by Virushka to give a complex to Yashraj films foreign locations to make Italy the global filmwallah destination. Our Virat and Anushka said I do to send fans into a tizzy as if it’s our own Band Baaja Baraat. Now, I am tempted to tie a knot on my unkempt hair for Anushka broke my hearts into tiny shreds.

Who will wield the baton of Virushka on the silver screen? Trust Karan Johar to make a movie on the biggest real-life drama, expensive costumes and adorned with jewelry to earn 100 crores plus at the box-office. Don’t be surprised if KJO announces his next on Virushka. Our English teacher taught us in school not to repeat words and my vocabulary has gone rudderless and meaningless with the oft-repeated ‘Virushka’.

Image credit: Google.

If you thought the Italian job is done, go and get a life. It’s just been made bigger than apna Taj Mahal. Now, I really believe that cricket and cinema walk hand in hand. Our lovers are taking a pot shot at politics that they wrestled the thunder away from BJP and Modi-ji’s shineless victory in Gujarat. The trio, Virat-Anushka-Modi are suddenly competing with each other on who is more unpatriotic for not getting hitched with Go Desi flavor. Our Modi-Ji attended the wedding reception in Delhi in true Vikas style. What a catch Viruska!

The Great Indian wedding with Tadka has gone global in Tuscany which is the maa behen of all movie scripts this year. Some will say that it’s a carefully planned move to hog attention away from the faulty EVM and demonetization after a year or mission Gujarat. The real Shaadi bandi. We shall stop cribbing about the economy or Namo’s tears on anyone accusing him of being unpatriotic. After all, he is our original global ambassador globe-trotting. How come the Pradhan Sewak missed Tuscani?

Ah! The Italian snow…film crews will now storm Tuscani to shoot romance scenes for our brand ambassador Viruska have shown what a big fat shaadimani in style means. The snow just froze at the sight of the lovers and me wondering how about T20 in the cold with Anushka playing cheer leader for her Pritam pyaare. Not Pritam Singh, meri Jaan but her apna Virat. Now, stop dancing over Chameli ki Shaadi at weddings bash, will you?!

Who needs a flick to pander to NRIs flocking to Italy when our Viruska are playing it live? Heard all single girls wanna get married and koi bahana nahin chalega ab! Baby ko toh sirf Virat pasand hai and no Break up song for the single babes. Time for us to adopt Italy and claim it was once a part of India. Who needs the Kohinoor yaar when we have Tuscany to lust over! Sunny Leone is already irrelevant for her Laila moves can no longer shake us. And, our desi girl, Priyanka Chopra has gone to Amreeka. Bas visa ka confusion for Italy is the new Hollywood.

Showing in theaters next to you all over India is the new blockbuster in town, Viruska. I dare you, Karni Sena, to stall its release to forget Padmavati for a while. Chalo! Let’s booze and ban dry day in the name of Viruska velvet.



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Of babaism and babalog

Jai ho! Swami Baba! We are a nation of baba log, Babaism, Sanju Baba, Baba Asaram, Baba Ramdev and teen naam wale Baba Ram Rahim Singh or Sathya (vachchan) Baba Sai ke naam Pe.  Quite a philmy Baba ki kahani! Our Ram Rahim Singh Baba must have watched Amar Akbar Anthony 100 times and borrowed inspiration from Manmohan Desai to get his name. You see Sir! No Naamkaran bas muft ka kharcha for me heard that he got some award for acting. Nautanki Saala!

Image credit: Google/Faking News.

Our Babas are going political nowadays and hobnobbing with the power tonis is so happening in today’s time. Arre bhai! After all, it’s a matter of Khursi pe charcha and followers. What’s the point of accumulating degrees like Vada Pav when I can don an orange robe, make prophecies and keep a day every week for people to worship and fast in my name! I could be doling gyaan to the political class and the janta. My Jhandu life would be set! The victims, Jaanta Janardhan, ever ready to bite the bait. Who else?! I shall seal their fate and play havoc with their mind, handing them a chit of paper to chant hymn, pray and obey to me. Kaash mein Baba hota toh kya hota! Baba ke khoj mein.

Baba ka naam lo, ladoo lapetlo and sprinkling rose-water on the devotees. See! I will become malamaal and am strongly contemplating a career change to become Vishal Baba. The fault lies in my stars. My future devotees, now pour haldi milk on a peepal tree sprouting in the backyard and I promise maal wala cash.  I promise that no illness will ever afflict you. Where are my followers? Baba is looking for you. Seek my blessings, you NRI return and I promise to stack your gold biscuits and black money inside my vault that knows no demonetization. It’s my potion of magic.

I am a seedhe saadha baba. Come and take my darshan for I promise to make your heart Swach Bharat.  The new self-claimed God that I pretend to be, promise to wipe off evil from this world and send it to Videsh. Baba and babes make for a lethal combination of doing Pravachan Saath saath to elevate on the spiritual path of unbridled sensuality, re-writing holy scripts and resisting temptations. Ram! Ram! Ram! How dare you point fingers on Babas, dropped straight from the sky by the Gods? Ain’t you ashamed to make rape allegations against the yugpurush of modern times?  You sinner, the world will come to an end for calling Babas killers and rapists! Curse on you humans! You polluted minds and products of Phoren influence that you dare send our babas to jail and praying that their tribe should be banned. Babas are Gods! Babas are so pure that milk will lose its color soon to pink and blue. Now, stop watching Avatar and those fake Neelkanth planning to steal the thunder from our original blue-eyed Gods.

Ram Rahim Baba badnaam hui dahling tere liye! Poor and bad mouthed, he took it upon himself to save the world and see the sacrifice of this Dharam Adhikari, the balidan that he made to save humanity, oops his ass. Why not? After all, he is worshipped by lakhs and crores. He is the wronged one! He is our Swach Bharat mascot. Our revered sarkar and opposition bow to him. You need more proof? How dare you! He has united Bharat against the forces of evil. Congress ya BJP, Baba Rahim is the flavor for all seasons.  Ram, Rahim, Singh, tere kitne naam.

Hello! Bhakts of castrated Baba! Rampage, breaking everything and burning the city gives you a mental ejaculation, like spineless asses. Planning to bring down India! Now, who should go to Pakistan? Our Baba would make the perfect cut to play Devdas with natak giri of teary ejaculating process to heal asking for maafi from court.

Aur kitna natak giri. First, in the name of God accumulating money, sexual assault, rape and murder Bhagwan ke naam pe and second, testing his testicles endurance jab tak our janta would wear blinkers, Babaism will not be a spent force.

Prem se bolo, Janta ki Awaaz! We are not playing Mangal Pandey-The Rising, country folks. Remove the blind fold. It’s the day for Babaism to be relegated to the distant past like Pehredar Piya ka.  Worship the only saint, Old Monk. Raise a toast for the mighty heart and spirit. Follow your heart and not baba black sheep.  No chance for aspiring Babas like me!

Politically Uncorrect and Controversially Yours

With Love



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Piggy is no pea who chops the cock
Image credit: Google India.

Leggy lass in the mind and brain (less) and jobless trolls ravaging social media with a sense of false bonhomie and ungentle 140 liners to preach. No wonder social media and its ilk like Twitter is nurturing dicks spreading their might all over the place. See! It’s no mental masturbation and fuckers scratching something else rather than the grey cells.

Sanskari legs and tit rather than tat-it’s the difference you see sir and blame it on the tempo soaring, Bharatiya sanskar. After all, our Priyanka Chopra met Modi ji bas idhar udhar ki seedhi si baat. The PM not protesting but mango people on Twitter are! A tale of running after a bone…what legs can do to the brains and PeeCee just showed how! Sanskar is polluted. The right to feel offended after somethingy which is not theirs but someone else. How unsanskari is our Priyanka! They are crying hoarse. Weird na! Protesting over an alien and invisible prized asset. It must be UFO sighted. Maan na Maan mein tere mehman. Arre! You should do something with your own personal legs, na.  Own it, baby! Walk with your own feet to protest in la-la land. Stretch it for it’s healthy.

Brahmachar counting drop of tears to procreate. I should know something about it for being a bachelor. Na! The whole peacock tears are such a wrong idea that I may not survive in the zoo on my own. Now, who made my sex life irrelevant?  It’s an old age rocket science puzzle on who came first the egg or the chicken. Who gonna solve it for me? How about striving to become the next Einstein on the number of the peacock’s tears landing in the peahen lap to make troll babies on the run like chimpanzees going wild in the kingdom of gyaan and morality. Ask our dearest trolls about it for they have definite answers how to fuck and don’t tell.

The green peacock and peahens would soon migrate to Pakistan and trust Donald Trump to erect the great wall telling us how to coo in our own lands for the opportunity is missing and lost in the flick of dust. We should create a Ministry of Offense and Defence against legs and clothes of personal choice where the brainless will scribble on what to do and not to, veil from top to toe and blinkers on the eyes not to see anything. Bura mat dekh! Bura mat sun! Bura mat kar! Check out the chopped brains who can’t see anything beyond PeeCee legs. After all, our Priyanka is Piggy Chops who can slice brainless converso and the trolls counting the soaring temperature or tears replacing rainwater for a good monsoon this season.
Image credit: Google/

You see Sir! Our Piggy Chops is no Peahen who will change the color of her dress to don saffron when meeting Modi-ji. Unmodified version and she stays true to herself. I’d prefer Shining PeeCee to ‘Shining India’ campaign that went for a toss. Baaton Baaton mein I forgot how our PM could do away with his advisors for there is no dearth of freebies on social media to tell women what’s not to wear. Waise bhai saab chutiya ki kami nahin hai online pe. How about doing monkey business? That way our desh will save millions and no ghotala! May be our Chaddi and Banyans need an image makeover to cover with the skin of the national tiger which we gotta preserve in the zoo to save money like the caved men. Amazed I am on how many would do their Ph.D. and rewrite the sequel for CB’s Five Point Someone…what not to wear when meeting PM in Videsh! May be Chetan Sir has something to say about it.

It must be worse than watching Pornsutra after foodsutra at the amount of gyan dolled out to PeeCee on social media. Nah! I still prefer calling her Piggy Chops for the name itself would create a storm in chopping the pea…cock of horrible ideas on her dress. I should stop wearing shorts for someone somewhere would take offense for showing my hairy male leg. Nah! No libido generating activity in reaching the climax of orgasm just for pouring stupidity on Priyanka’s dress. Next heard, the dress is auctioned exclusively to trolls coming with the most genius idea worth crores.

Papa don’t preach! Oh Mister India! Haar Kaapre pe likha hai pehnewale (i) ka naam. Next time watch your garments for Sirius must be watching somewhere.

Morally Incorrect Yours


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Swach Baal Abhiyan and dharna against Lal Batti the Sonu Nigam way

The Aam Aadmi is becoming very Khaas Khaas in today’s time with the lal batti gone for a toss and Azaan becoming a mighty power that can deafen our ears…sorry Sonu Nigam’s ears.  Why just Azaan? You name it you get, Mandir ka Puja aur neta ka bhashan. Our Sonu Nigam, of course, got so disturbed that he decided to be very aam with the Lal Batti getting out of our lives and followed Kejriwal Dharna steps by getting his hair shaved. Baal Baal dekho…meri baal dooba. Tere lal batti na raha soniya balon mere na raha….tere Azaan purana mar gaya mere bal deewane.
Image credit: Google

Our Sonu Baba was sorely missing the Lal Batti that he shaved his head in a moment of weakness to hide the red light under the arm’s pit. So much anger, Sonu Baba that trolls weren’t sparing thinking that it’s Sood and not Nigam. Arre Baba! He’s our Sonu and not the real deal over Snapchat. No wonder, Sood got trolled instead of Nigam. ‘Bas naam ka confusion’ on Twitter.

Who wants Sonu’s hair? I bet no Maulvi will play booty booty over Ganja Sonu. Now, who will get a complex over shaved hair? If anyone threatens the tolerant and sickular you with hair shaving formula to adhere loyalty to Bharat Mata, just offer your head without hard feeling and tell them, ‘Make me like Sonu, Be like Sonu.” Better still, you can become a Ganja like our Master Sonu before the Bhakts come after you with threats after ranting against Modi-Ji or BJP on Twitter. It couldn’t be a better defense, I tell you.

The hair loss removal clinics who disturbs us at odd hours on the idiot box has been beaten to death with this simple Sonu formula. You can learn to strum a brand new composition on how to go ‘ganja’ in less than 24 hours and to stay relevant in the news.  All you wanna be celebrities, move over Rakhi Sawant’s Pankha act or the Poonam Pandey removing everything for Indian cricket team for the has-been and unemployed Sonu tells you how to make breaking news on national Television. It’s no longer about removing everything to go naked but go and get rid of your hair. Baal Baal dekho! Wanna play Baal baal and not booty shake without doing the Lungi dance? Worry not for Sonu’s tutorial is here to give you tips on how to become bald chutki mein.

It’s how creative you can get when disturbed by noises and the pigeons nagging you like a pesky wife boring you to death. Think again about doing the rehearsed and desperate act of standing at the window sills to shoo away the pigeons and letting the air flow in.  Simple! Apply some Zandu balm on your bald head and take the loud speaker to hum, ‘Sonu Badnaam hua dahling tere liye!’ That way, not just Azaan but even the pigeons will flock to a safer place knowing that our Nigam will make them badnaam with his bald head and voice.

I am just wondering how about the Modi Government making Sonu Nigam the brand new ambassador of ‘Bal Safai’ and once you get them removed, it can be recycled. Ab Banega Swach Balon ka recycle Sonu Nigam se puchiye isse phekna mat par sambhal ke rakhna kyunki kissi majboor ke kaam aa sakte. Swach Balon Abhiyan Sonu Nigam ke Saath. Don’t ever throw away your hair but keep it in a safe vault for Sonu to disguise himself as a baba and sing for you on the streets. After all, he will be the new brand ambassador of our hair gone for a toss in protest against the Lal Batti bowing out or Azaan making us go crazy.

Arre Baba, now what will happen to our desi Sapna Bhavnani cutting only the hair of celebrities? Obviously, Sapna joined Big Boss for she knew that with her friend Sonu, she would soon go out of job. Karmic call!









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The King of Good Times and Her Majesty’s Mehmaan

Who says he is no longer the King of Good Times? A perfectly scripted story that would send Modi-Ji’s demonetisation move in the cupboard as it would have been the perfect steal to bring Vijay Mallya back home. Another master stroke in the making! Wrong signal it seems as Mallya was arrested and got bail in no time.

Ever wondered what the British cops and courts were lured with? The promise of an exotic free trip in the now dead KingFisher airlines with calendar girls for company and the rare sight of sexy and bold air hostesses in skimpy red KF uniform. Gimme Red! In true Mallya style, a promise of Kingfisher Beer Strong ultra mild. Is it the biggest illusion? Not to the now secretly public owners of our Kohinoor, dearest British friends but to us, Indians, who thought the Indian Government would be credited for this ingenuity of bringing Mallya home. It’s the Don moment, Mallya ko pakadna mushkil hi nahin namunkin hai. Koi bhi chance nahin as The King of Good Times remain well…the Baadshah that beats SRK to death. Those Pappus thinking he would become a pauper overnight! Keep dreaming, the Mallya dude must be laughing at us.

After all, Waqt waqt ki baat hai and what one can do in a matter of three hours? Getting bail and partying with his damsels in Raja style and tweeting to the world he thinks we runk are sinking in our illusion that he is our apna and no paraya. He is the Raja and we are the runk whose plans has gone Kaput. Poor, Praja, us who thought that the Raja of Good Times would adorn our new and glamorous Kingfisher calendar posing in different avatars with handcuffs for the rest of the year replacing our old calendars with the bevy of beauties striking a pose in the cold waters of Goa. Now, where is the sword of Tippu Sultan? Obviously cutting his white beard and selling them for 9,000 crores. Who will enter this 9,000 crores club made of daari and Tippu Sultan sword? Ask Salman, Rohit Shetty and SRK for 100 crores is passe now.


The King of Good Times is epic as he secured bail faster than the Rahul Baba and Akhilesh Bhaiya lost UP upar neeche and no, Mallya Sir is not giving our Sarkar an orgasm of sort. Maan na Maan, Mallya is the Mehmaan of her majesty, United Kingdom. See, he not Brexited! Ask Theresa for the month of May will not be ours to rejoice. As it is, it’s making our Sarkar nibbling fingers and racking brains on how to make the King lose his mojo and crave for his Bad Times.  The angrez brexited avatar is legion and our Mallya is not extradited. It’s all about the power like the netas will tell us. A game of cat and mouse Mallya played with the cops and for now, we have to abandon our dream of singing a duet with him, Pehla aap welcoming him in jail. How he gave us the slip and it feels like apna Mallya who once sung, Jaa jaldi bhag bhaaag jaa imagining himself to be the hero of Priyadarshan’s remake Bhagam Bhaag.

Image credit: Google

No wonder, the Raja of Good Times gave as freebies an extra mild and poisonous concoction to Angrez authorities so that he could sip his liquor in peace. King Fisher beer me milawat hai, bhai! It’s a truly United Spirit tale of Raja aur Rancho who needs to make a comeback on the small screen to tell the tale of the King of Good Times. It’s a Royal Challenge (ers) to get this Mallya dude.

Our man knows for sure how to stump the laws and deliver a sixer in the land that once ruled us. He is our asli Kohinoor and trust our Angrez friends to get him back. Wait! Maybe Prince William and Kate will bring this Kohinoor in their luggage the next time they pose for a selfie in front of Taj Mahal. Till then, the King of Good Times will be busy dancing to the tune of Kala Chasma with William and Kate. Who knows?

Now, time for all of us, Sarkar, media and mango people to call it a day, do some chest thumping and Kingfisher extra mild pee ke talli ho jao. Let’s stop the hype for the Raja is the only hype. Now, where is my Kingfisher premium beer? Time to cool my heels?

Cheerz to the King of Good Times



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Love Jihad reincarnated! Baba Yogi Nath’s Swach UP Abhiyaan

Love Jihad and Ghar Waapsi is back like super God man trudging the hills to sweep all awards and rewards that beat Terminator hands down. Don’t look to the west when we have our own desi Donald Trump incarnate in Yogi Aditya Nath. UP mein hum dum kyon ki wahan pe daaku nahin hai par sirf ek Yogi Aditya Nath. Our Yogi will put UP on the world map. Hello! Ghar Waapsi, conversion and evangelizing Hindustan. Any takers?!
Image credit: Google/

A secularism mukh Bharat spearheaded by the Desh Bhakt will make us fringe as if an unnamed, invisible and non-existence God is descending our planet to save all Hindus from Videshi Taakat.  Our Yogi now converted into CM Sahab is a pure genius of a Mathematician that shall beat Einstein to death with his calculations, riots in UP blamed on the back of Muslims. Jai Ho! UP Mein hain dum kyon ki Bhakt Nath hai. Wah re! BJP! Brand Modi! Brand Amit Shah! Your communal calculus has not only stumped in political Rajneet but satta also. Kamaal Kursi ka!

Mitron! It’s how brand fire politics is played with RSS winning over the Government and defeating it by a whisker. You bet it happens only in UP! What a signal to entire India! It’s secular free Bharat. We are tempted to think. They telling us to shut up. Now, SLB must be smiling in silence for his written song, Dishkaon in Ram-Leela has been taken seriously by his own dushmans to make it Ishqaon Yogi Dishkaon. Kya baat! Kya baat! Kya baat! Let’s be silent! Who knows next they will ask the voice of dissent to go to Pakistan and global Indians to forget desh to migrate to our neighborhood. I am actually wondering on the new CM’s first policy: boost Pakistan’s tourism, of course. A harmless criticism and your passport to Pakistan is inked. Ab hoga bhai chara aur Samjhauta Express between India and Pakistan with the ambassador of love (Jihad) and Ghar Waapsi, Shri Yogi Aditya Nath.

Munch ladoo mixed with a sprinkle of Bhakt in (tolerance) for UP Rashtra is born and sanitized with so much of Hindutva that Theresa will be mummied in pictures and not in spirit. See, she is the evil version of Lara Croft from another era. It’s now the age of Satyug the Babas way hymning Sanskritised religious hymns, Babaloo! Babaloo! Come to the divine in UP. A minority lesson is on the way how to stay under the spell of Baba Nath’s tolerance.

The commandment of the century, secularization buri bimari and it’s clean up time in UP only with the Babas and Yogis sanitizing the state so much that Ram Gopal Verma is already thinking of shifting his Sarkar 4 from Maharashtra to UP. A new tale of a yogi Baba, donning the orange saffron robe in Sarkar 4. Whatta master stroke BJP from stealing the Sarkar right under the nose Akhilesh Bhaiya to give to Babalog. Swach UP Aabhiyaan.

Bhaiya-ji aur Behena, what did you vote for? Nath Babu is not promoting Pan Banaraswala but Baba yogi Pan with a sauce of Patanjali giving so much fun to bhaiyas and behenas that you forgot the ek dum original wali…Maya Behena. Bas, EVM ka confusion?! Trust Kabrastan and Shamshan to make it to the thesaurus.

Incorrectly correct