WoW: When love lost….It was my last day in the city

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This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’

When love lost….It was my last day in the city

It was my last day in the city. My city. It was a Sunday. It is a Sunday. The wind blew from the Arabian Sea in the evening. I scampered on the busy road to meet her. Love didn’t triumph on that day. It failed me. The place would take off at midnight. The heart was heavy. My soul and heart shred into million pieces. I was dying at every second. It seemed that the dock of life has stopped. I cursed. I ran. A seesaw of emotions choked me inside to reach every breath taken. What’s the point, I wondered. Our fate has been sealed. Stupid love. Stupid religion. I choose to run away from the city that I have stayed long enough to call my own.

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If only I could stop the trail of time by conjured magic. It wasn’t meant to be. A matter of hours when we would go our separate ways and will probably never see each other. We met and fell in love in the city. The breeze, monuments, and stars in the sky witnessed the pure love that grew on us. The city embraced us in its cradle. Her name is S. The city that I loved so much suddenly suffocated me. The susurration of a broken heart. I was dying at every second. Love is second to none, they say. How can it happen to me? I didn’t have any choice but to leave everything and go back.

Woe betides me. We wanted to make the most of it by spending the last day together in the city. It mattered to us. I woke up early on that fateful day and stormed my way to Barista at CST, ordering Latte for the love to flicker like sugar steered and disappearing in the coffee. The love didn’t filter inside. My life fell apart. Time was moving fast. I didn’t want to leave the city. What I would do without the city, the selfless embrace that it gives and holding me in its womb, the monsoon, and the blustering echo or scything to explore every single path and wide roads.

The heart break is no fiction. I lost on love. I was the vanquished. A dejection that pushed me to the brink to abandon everything. I had to get away from love, longing, monsoon and the city. I was calling her Jaan. I was counting the minutes between shuttling to the room, shopping and locking the baggage. We met after six pm. The same place that we first met and fell in love. It was the iconic library where we studied together, laughed, fought and held hands. The pain bellowed. We sat on the same white bench. She promised that we will meet some day. I didn’t nurture hope. It’s better that we don’t speak or reason on what could have been. There was no point. No words expressed on our break up. We walked together to Fab India for she had to exchange the gift I gave her. The Kurti didn’t fit her. We spotted a celebrity. She gave me gifts that I have preserved till now, the CD and card where her words flew like lyrics that couldn’t quench the thirst of love. The first time that I lost. We hugged and traveled for the last time in the local train, sashaying our way on the crowded platform at CST.

Not all love stories have a happy ending. Pain can be empowering and define one’s journey. The time for take off approached. I fastened the seat belt. I stared at the sky and stars to make a wish for them to fulfill. It was her. The plane rifled in the sky and in the fleeting minutes, the city disappeared from my gaze like a dream that flitted away in an invisible manner to never become true again. I visited the city after ages and every step taken reminded me of her smile and gaze. It was closure. I shall be back with a vengeance to carve new memories and live every second one day. Love for humans is an illusory attachment. The love for the city remains eternal. Someday, we shall unite for time has stitched the heart that lost on doomsday. A story of love nurtured and took shape in the city. There is a purpose and meaning behind everything. It wasn’t meant to be. The city is capacious like a home for every lovable and lost soul warbling the song of love and pain.

PS: As I was writing this post, I received a terrible news on the sudden passing away of a super talented, fashion and travel blogger, Pari Knitha Urs who was a Facebook friend that I never met but who was always encouraging, kind and never shied to help. May God bless her soul. She was blogging on The Wanderer’s Diary.

Love

V

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Seeking productive energy and happiness

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It was drizzling outside in the dark. The sound of the water splashing felt like a lyrical composition of a soft lullaby murmured in my ear. The lights were on in the room. You know this feeling, right?! Gentle pouring of water on the ground and the trace of rain falling on the window glass sheet soothes the soul and mind giving it the much-needed calmness to retain the composure and balance. I tossed on bed.

The eyes unfurled and opened at 4 a.m to the swaying of leaves and the soft sound of rain. It took a while for me to recall that I crashed early at 10 p.m the last night after taking the medicines for cough, sore throat, and mild fever. It felt a bit cold. I turned to my right and got out of bed in yog posture. It was an unusually wintry morning where I walked into the kitchen to boil the drinking water and poured milk in another pan.  The eyes vied for the tea leaves and milk brewing together, something which always fascinates me as  I rubbed the palms together and putting them an inch above the vessel. I love doing that in the cold weather to feel the warmth on my palm and watch the steam flowing. It’s a feeling of bliss.

The past few days hasn’t really been going strong with the unwanted feeling and thoughts hitting me in the unlikeliest of places and dampening the mind which goes into turmoil. The beautiful morning sent a reminder to focus on the positive aspect and as today, I read on someone’s blog how unhealthy it is to let negativity stay as a guest. It did the trick. I think it is important for all of us to be occupied with productive energy, be it reading, remembering the good memories and channeling our energies in the right place. I think meditation can help one to a great deal. Faffing to constant thoughts and actions, which has been an inherent part of me in recent years, does no good to anyone.

There is so much negative energy around us, be it with people or the online world that it takes a toll on our mental and physical health and well-being. I am touched by the positive story of the real-life S(hero), TV  anchor Surpreet Kaur who read the news about her husband’s death in a car accident which she didn’t realize at first but as the details came in the report, she got an inkling of the tragedy that struck her. More power to people like her who held her might in the studio. For me, this is positivity and strength. Had she cracked down on TV, one would understand since she is only human but one couldn’t stop admiring her inner strength.  Just imagine someone being struck by such a tragedy and the camera panning on her in this moment of grief. It’s such positivity that should reaffirm our strength, confidence and help us be in control of our lives.

Today is Easter. Yesterday was Shubo Nobo Borsho and Rongali Bihu the respective Bengoli and Assamese New Year. It’s the time when we exchange New year greetings and celebration wishes with our loved ones and friends. We may not be born in a community celebrating specific festivals but we become a beautiful part of it in spirit and thought. Today, my neighbor came early morning with a bag filled with chocolates for Easter as we wished each other Happy Easter and it made the day. I have always believed in celebrating numerous festivals, be it Diwali, Eid, Xmas, Spring or the numerous festivals which one may not be culturally attuned to but, it brings immense joy to the soul and reaffirms our faith in humanity. It’s the happiness and bonding that the world needs through the channeling of our energies as human beings.

On that note, let’s raise a toast to channel our energies to positive feelings, love and spreading positive vibes to fellow humans so that no one suffers in any form, be it the topsy-turvy mind doing a u-turn and delete the word hate from our lives.

Love and Shubbhratri

V

 

 

 

 

Har ek friend on Sunday and things like that!

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You know what’s the best feeling on earth? When you make first calls on your brand new phone to your closest and bestest friends, no matter how far away distance separate you from your folks. Saat Samundar Par is just another excuse. The first call was made at  Dadar in Amchi Mumbai where the best buddy is nestled with his wife. Love birds and new couple. Ha! He told in a whatsapp message that he got rear ended on his way back home when three cars stumbled to hit each other. Thank the stars, no one were hurt or bruised.

The first call was made and we spoke for a good half an hour about the lazy Sunday in Mumbai. Shit man! How much I miss that place? The conversation verged on my impending relocation plan and the first thing in his mind was don’t come back, till I get a well-paying job since the place is getting so expensive by the day and it’s becoming increasingly difficult for bachelors to secure a place in the city. Travelling can be taxing, he said. My thought harked back to my routine travel by the local train and which is really my comfort level. That was form another era.

Despite me being out of the city and the country for hell long time, I reasoned that it shouldn’t really be an issue. After all, it’s a matter of time to get back to the grind despite the 8-year-itch. He doesn’t travel by Mumbai local nor BEST buses. I teased him about how he has become the typical NRI. We discussed and agreed on the possibility that I can consider moving to the outskirts, Navi Mumbai and places like Vashi, Kandivali or Thane. It would make it easy to travel through the harbor lines and not the western route, he argued.

Still, he doggedly believes that travel is a drudgery of sort. The conversation was done. I felt bad of not being able to shift owing to issues made by homeowners of denying a roof to bachelors. You know the whole so-called social norms and what’s not! It’s such a fuck-all feeling of wanting to shift but not being able to do so based on economic reasons.

I had a networking event to attend along with a colleague and friend for the Bangladesh Independence Day as part of our job for the website when she along with her husband was supposed to pick me up past 5. I reached the place one hour earlier and sat at the coffee shop, sipping cappuccino and reading magazine and stuff. I love to sit in coffee shops to read and drink coffee. It’s my idea of relaxation. The whatsapp call buzzed and it was Meghna from Mumbai, whom I was trying to call subah on the new handset. After all, what better way to use the new phone than calling close friends?

She was my first caller on the new phone. We spoke for a good 20 minutes about her work, lack of holiday by working crazy round the clock, meetings we both abhor attending and of course, Mumbai. I think that I am going to turn into a sentimental memory freak for the rest of my life, hanging on to the past and wanting to reclaim the life that went by. A lovely conversation about everything under the sun, right from munching Maggi  as quick but unhealthy bite to fill up and both us looking for extra freelance work. Naturally, the conversation hovered on housing in the city and how everything is fine, except renting a home. Mumbai can truly be called Sankat in the city.

There are few Sundays like that which ends in the company of friends over the phone, travelling and working together. In today’s stressful times, the only thing that makes us sane and healthier is the company of friends…har ek dost zaroori hai!

Love

V

 

Changing equation of friendship

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Strange things are happening to me.  It’s been a few days that I am getting carried away by an emotional turmoil and today I felt the pang which compelled me to ping a friend on Gchat. I told her, ‘I need to vent things out’. It’s a guilt feeling inside. I dunno whether I am feeling better or not after uncorking the bottle of feeling.

In Dil Chahta Hai, the three best buddies Sid, Sameer and Akash head to Goa where the latter watch a ship at a looming distance which he equated to their lives and will disappear in a while. Sid says something about how the three of them will chart unique destinations and no one knows where life will take them. In ten years time, it will be almost impossible for them to meet once. Strangely, it is happening to me right now.

My best friend just got hitched in February to his childhood sweetheart and he came down from Australia to get married in India. Since we are in two different countries, I couldn’t fly to India to attend his wedding and it was something that I was so fucking sure to do. I am still feeling so bad about it. It came to my realization how in 10 years, it would be impossible for besties to meet and it was in 2006 that he left India and I moved out in 2008.

How time flies! We take our lives for granted, right from the time I and Adi spent the most wondrous moments in college, to playing silly pranks and fighting over mundane things. I never thought that we would be sitting on the opposite end of the fence and that life would make us sink in the humdrum of making money, shifting jobs and starting things all over again. I mean, we are so caught up with things and circumstances that sometimes we cannot take the time to be with those who have seen the best and worst of us. I am feeling very bad not to be with the bestie on one of the most special days of his life. Has friendship grown so thin as time flew!

It got me thinking about how the whole equation changes as someone ties the knot? Have you ever thought about it? There are friends with whom we make lifelong memories and hang out together or on Whatsapp, chat or phone if you are in different parts of the globe and suddenly he or she makes the announcement of getting hitched. Time suddenly takes its toll on friendship and life. Things will not remain the same as the person gets married and moves forward in life. It’s the changing equation of friendship. After all, they have to make their life or start a family. It matters. Friendship does matter.

It’s been bothering me for quite a while. I know that it can look stupid in places. After all, life never stays static. I mean, I am someone who was never close to family or relatives but my life always revolved around friends who means the most rather than the former. Technology is replacing relationships. Circumstances make relationships evolve over time and what remain are plain memories of crazy times spent together which gave us the impression at that time that things shall never fade away. The priceless moments keep playing in the head as if it was yesterday only you were meeting your friends in college, going bonker over your latest crush and your bestie ingenious way of devising a plan how to get introduced to that chick. Memories and life beyond that!

It’s true that you need to live with this fact of life that things change once you are settled. The phone calls would be less or may be, the communications would be restricted to Facebook, a once-in-a-blue-moon message on WhatsApp in exchange for a smiley.

How much we give to friendship without making the effort and we bond, getting attached to each other as human beings? Why it happens with some people and not the others? Such questions are plaguing me. I mean, it’s humanly impossible to run away to your closest friends after every single issue and you cannot obviously fly now and then. Like in my case, I was super confident that we would meet and was looking for a personal loan to travel but since I couldn’t pay the previous one on maturity time as a result of my earlier job where we were paid salary after two months since the company was facing losses, I stood disqualified.

Such is life, circumstances, and friendship. The equations change and not everything is in our hands. But, it taught me a lesson: Save for rainy days and take an insurance if one’s savings is zero. In friendship, I believe and memory treasured. One should make the most of life for we never know where that ship may leave us that it would be impossible to spot our own shadow in the stormy sea and crashing waves.

This post is also linked to #MondayMusings on Everyday Gyaan.

Love

V

 

 

Rain, books and lazing around

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It’s been raining cats-and-dogs uninterrupted since Saturday and feeling. I can hear the lash of rain bursting on the window sill and love the pitter-patter of rain lashing and wind unfurling its fury. It’s music to the ear. I downed a cup of tea that warmed the body which beats the cold to propel me back to the grind of writing. I am back after a blog break of almost a month.

I can hear the frogs creeping out of the hole in the rainy weather and love hearing the sound they make. It is soothing to the ear. I drenched myself in the rain that accompanied the cyclone and spent the day reading The Unquiet Land by Barkha Dutt which I just started. I was dying to get my copy written by my idol which was ordered and when it came, it was nestled among loads of books.  It’s an old habit to buy and hoard books to read at leisure.

It’s been quite an extended lazy weekend where I end up doing nothing but lazing around and slouching on the bed. The feeling of doing nothing and pushing work for tomorrow is simply exhilarating. There are few days like that and a luxury of the sort to end up not doing anything. I guess that it is something that we should all do from time-to-time and need to stop pushing ourselves to the wall. I’ve been off Facebook for almost three months now and the longest time that I deactivated the account. Social media bores me nowadays and trust me, it’s the best thing that one can do. Switch off. It can take a toll on the brain and better to cut off to get back some sanity. I am sure that when I go back, it will be a new me. I don’t want to put controversial posts which have been a habit with me and indulging in mudslinging with friends turning intro trolls. It attracts negativity which I am not keen on doing any more.

Yesterday, was quite funny on Twitter when I had this chat with a TV journalist, complimenting her work when idiotic trolls popped in like uninvited fucks and hovered around like termites. The best thing is I didn’t reply to them. I am learning to ignore idiotic and brainless comments. The moment you fall sway to the game, you are sucked into it. Sorry, Sir! I am done with that. As you age your turn into old wine, chucking out silly tweets and stay away from disputes. The sheer pleasure of frustrating the trolls who don’t have anything better to do with their inane religious extremism. The right to get offended! ,

I just finished reading Chitra Banerjee’s Palace of Illusion which is an amazing book in narrating the tale of Mahabharata from Draupadi’s perspective. My only tryst with Mahabharata was BR Chopra’s serial which I watched as a kid and Palace of Illusion is a beautiful interpretation which deserves to be read. It’s a complete page turner that touches the human souls of the mythical figures. I love how the author has expressed the nuances and described characters like Draupadi, presenting her as a strong woman, Karna, and Krishna. Both Draupadi and Krishna remain my favorite characters in the mythological tale. How I wish I could interpret this story in a brand new way, making Draupadi and Krishna lovers but with a risk of trolls and fundamentalist running down my neck.

It’s one of the most amazing books I’ve read this year and the author has brilliantly depicted the story of a woman who was designed to play a bigger role in the universe before she came into the world. I love the strength and complexity in Draupadi, in awe of how Krishna can be so playful and maintain his cool and smile in the face of insult.

I am dying to get the new Apple 7 phone this year and already fascinated by its features after using my HTC One X during four years. It’s the maximum and record time that I have used a handset. I was planning to travel to India this month but there are some glitches that need to be overcome. It has toned down my excitement of meeting family, friends, indulging in shopping and being at my favorite places. I am confident that things will be sorted out and that way I can get my phone at Dubai Duty-free shop during the stopover.

Ciao

Cya soon

V

Crackpot me

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It’s the time of the year. Gentle breeze wafts in the atmosphere and dash of laziness percolate in the surrounding. It’s the festive season! One doesn’t feel like doing anything nor there is mad dash to overcome hurdles and complete tasks.  The perk of working from home. I can’t tell how much I am loving this phase in life where you do things at ease, figuring out meetings, sending e-mails to clients and working out interviews online.

The day starts in the weekdays tracking financial news as a consultant across the region and the globe, working on story ideas since I am part of a new web venture and reading stuffs online, phone calls and email follow-ups for interviews doing the chasing. Finally, I am back on a reading spree where I spend the afternoon doing that, ranging from kindle to hard copy. I finished Priyanka Lal’s Rose Bush on kindle which is quite a lengthy read, almost done with Preeti Shenoy’s  ‘Why We Love The Way We Do’, which is a mature take on relationships and a must read. I am currently reading Chetan Bhagat’s One Indian Girl which is quite disappointing in relation to his earlier books filled with dose of entertainment. There are so much to read and shall jump straight on Amitav Ghosh’s, The Hungry Tide.

The ghost of lazy writer has suddenly seeped inside my soul. Diwali came and flickered in the moment, where I went on a sweet rampage and indulging in colorful lamps. It’s been after ages that lights showered its blessing on my life and enjoyed every moment this festival of light. My date with sweets continued. A wedding in the family followed where I stayed put for 2 days before getting back home. I fucking hate attending weddings. It’s the most boring thing one is compelled to do what with guests in full swing, swarming in expensive clothes, decking up and wearing expensive attire. It cropped into my mind that the day I tie the knot, I will go very sober with minimum expenses and a simple ceremony at home and throwing a cocktail  for guests. No minimum extravaganza for me. I have never believed in staying put for days for something like a wedding.

I am quite forgetful these days. Trust me, I am turning into a crackpot of sort and if I don’t jot something in the diary, it eludes my mind. It can be anything, be it, buying something as mundane as shoe laces, calling someone,sketching ideas or sending an e-mail. I forget very small things ranging from putting sugar in coffee to forgetting to buy minor groceries or things I am asked to do at home. Guess, the grey streak in the hair is for something.

Finally, the Rakhi sister will come for holiday with husband and son. Looking forward to meeting her after 8 years and it harkens back to college days, fun times and chiding me for not taking the second year exams. How time flies! I am quite excited to do that. Come January next, I shall be going to India for a short trip ranging between 10 and 15 days for the best friend who is now settled in Australia and is coming back to Mumbai to get married. Happy reunion! Wait! Did I say wedding? Look who is talking. Yes! Any excuse is good to meet the bestie and his marriage serves me good to revisit the city of love & longing Amchi Mumbai, Pune, Nagpur and why not hopping to Delhi, to reconnect with friends. Shopping is on my mind. I always shop in India for my stuff that stays for three years at most. India is the life that I sorely miss like anything. It’s where I find myself and my life lies. Exciting times ahead!

Did I tell you that I temporarily deactivated the Facebook account looking for serenity, far away from the mad online world? It’s a yearly exercise that I do and social media can get to your brain whirring in  a particular direction. It can be quite time-consuming. I shall be back on FB post the new year, I’ve been thinking. I am feeling very light, peaceful and serene, being cut off from the world of likes, sharing and commenting.  I am also planning to get myself an i-phone this season and my HTC smart phone is still going strong for four years which is a kinda record with me.

It couldn’t be a better way to kickstart blogging post the UBC challenge that I took the last month. It’s quite  a lame post but good enough to be back in shape with words on blog.

Ciao

V

 

 

 

Reflection and life

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Another death in the family. Uncle passed away on Wednesday after spending weeks fighting between life and death in the hospital. He was a fighter. It took a toll on the family where life went upside down, taking a u-turn, shuttling between home and hospital. I remember meeting him two weeks back and was shocked to see the jovial man in this state, feeble and losing weight. It made me sad. I told him, Uncle! I will see you when you are back home and we will chit-chat. A feeble smile appeared on his face. It was the last time that I spoke to uncle.

It’s been a month of illness where his son spent the whole day and night sitting at Fortis. I accompanied him where we indulged in lil bit of chat. I think moral support is very important. How do we cope with grief? It’s something which is difficult to comprehend. What remains are wonderful memories spent together! It brought me back to the time when Dad sunk into coma and passed away, way back in 2007. I couldn’t recognize Dad when I met him. Somehow, I was able to cope with Dad’s death because it was the time that I moved away to Pune and then Mumbai and naturally cut myself off from attachment. In short, I was detached emotionally despite being the only child who was close to Dad.  The period of detachment worked for me or else, it would have taken a long time for me to cope with Dad’s death. The uncle who died  was a dentist and has been a strong pillar of support when Dad suddenly fell ill and passed away.

This week has been a very tiring one, from attending early morning conferences till the evening, spending the night at hospital and uncle’s death. I am still recovering from physical fatigue that took a toll on my life. The lack of exercise must account for something where I spend the time slouching on the chair and typing. Lack of physical exercise is such a bane. I am trying to cut my sugar intake since yours truly has a sweet tooth but for kicking the butt, it’s been a nearly impossible task. I am raring to go back to yoga classes after more than a year.

Uncle’s death brings one face-to-face with life’s reality.  I stay with Mom for quite some time now and been trying to move away for my own good and to detach the self. As our parents’ age, we don’t realize how important it is for us to detach emotionally for one day will come where we will be on our own and their physical disappearance will take its toll on us. I don’t want it to happen.  I wonder, how many of us realize the importance to detach emotionally! I feel it is of utmost importance. Trust me, it makes us independent and we grow in leaps and bounds. I am guilty of that. I was always an independent person, cherishing my freedom that gave me wings when I left the family cocoon for Pune and Mumbai. But, it waned away when I came back. It’s an area where I feel that I am not growing enough. True independence happens when you are on your own and doing your personal things. I’ve dabbled with moving out for quite some time. Staying independent is bliss.

I do not really subscribe to this view of being the perfect son or the bull crap of getting married to fulfil parents’ need. We no longer have this shaadi conversation, Me and Mom. It fizzled a long time back. I am someone who believes that one should only get married when he or she wants to rather than pleasing parents or society. It shouldn’t be a compulsion or some sort of fucked moral compass to adhere. It’s my life, after all. Neither do I believe that I should stay with parents since it’s my duty. Sorry, I don’t see things this way. It’s all about growing and conquering life beyond the family’s nest. Children don’t need to stay with parents after studies or marriage. It limits growth. I feel that any decision should be taken with an open mind rather than blurred vision becoming the holy cow. Moreover, decisions in my life are taken with lucidity minus the samaj or ritual thing. Unfortunately, our Indian society croon a different tune. Read this amazing piece here. The last time I shared on Facebook, it provoked a flurry of emotions.

On the personal front, I have decided to start all over the novel and chucked the 90 pages odd draft that stands neglected for a couple of years. This week has been quite hectic professionally and personally where I didn’t write anything. I intend to wrap up the first chapter by the end of next week. I have started reading The Bastard of Istanbul by Elif Shafak and a host of other books on Kindle but at a slow pace. Need to rush things for I have set an objective of finishing 10 books on Kindle by year-end.

It’s been ages that I am penning my thought on life’s reflections. Time to say cheerz. Of course, I am forever a coffee addict and I am in the process of downing a third glass.

See ya soon

V