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Day 21: Why we need to let go?


Carrying excess baggage is a nuisance and detrimental to the soul, attack the veins and blood inside the body. The stress that afflicts us has more to do with a sedentary lifestyle which often manifests itself through the frustration of life, stress, and unhappiness that we vent out by munching on food or aerated drinks and smoke which takes away our sanity, both mental and physical.

There is a frustration seeping through our consciousness and underlying factors of heartbreak, leaving behind a past life or emotional triggers by holding on to the past that makes us exposed to all forms of ailments and viruses. The entire things accumulate inside our body in the form of garbage and makes it impossible for us to come to terms with life. The words that people told us makes us reel with anger or pain, toxic people afflicting us and our reluctance to go with the flow pose demons that wreck their might on us. It’s human nature to be oblivious to the pain and we are unwilling to let go of things, people or situations that makes stuck forever.

No matter how painful letting go is, it’s the only constant in life and it’s release helps us to get rid of toxins in our body, like the junk food or diluted drinks. It’s fine to be knocked down by the adversaries in life. Let go of that ex who troubles you to death or defeats that propels to think about the what ifs. It never works that way, right. There are so many beautiful things to explore in creating new memories. Bury the past. I know it very well for it’s easier doling lessons rather than putting what one’s preaches into practice. The past is always painful, the present is sour grapes and the future is the wheel of uncertainty turned.

Why is it so difficult to go with the flow? Our nurtured prejudices, stubbornness and the silly mind fixated on things that shouldn’t be here in the first. One thing I have observed is that the brain spend most of the day whining on things which are non-existent, completely made out by the head or worrying about stuffs which resides in the past but serves as fodder to attract negative energy. Practise healing or meditation for it helps the mind to be become still and one with the universe. One thing is nature doesn’t like to be altered and being an infinite part of it, we cannot upset this eco-system by going against the flow. This imbalance makes our life go topsy-turvy that haunt us to no end.

There was this friend from college and a junior who tagged me by mistake last week and I commented on his wall but was told that yours truly was wrongly tagged. In jolly mood, I commented that it means he was thinking about me and he responded by trust me, it wasn’t the case. I mean, it’s so easy to feel bad about it and I did. But, the fact that small things or ‘rude’ things shouldn’t stop us from spreading love to people. The moment we let ourselves hang to people or situations makes us quite small as humans who should only spread positive vibes and affection. I have decided not to get bogged down, though it’s a very human trait to do that. Delete the bad. It comes in the form of people, right from people we used to call friends or families who would zip into our lives to put us down. I know something about that with family and it’s been quite some years that I’ve limited my interactions with them. Today, I am a much happier person with very few people, made of mom and close friends in life that understand me to the hilt. Flush out negative people and the demon sucking energy into the drains.

It’s okay not to return calls or have minimum contacts from people spreading negative virus like energy that spread into the blood. Remember, we don’t owe anything to anyone. Like in my case, I just nod to people that gets all over the top with my marriage. Time to stop meddling with one’s own energy or emotions, just hit delete to remove the negativity. I choose to let go off people from my life on things that pisses me off on with question on when I gonna get hitched and all that shit.  The good news is have decided to call preening relatives off with, I am an educated people who owes nothing to people and can take my decision.

This post was inspired by a heartfelt post penned by my friend Nikita who wrote on bad emotions, heartless people and as she rightly said, all of us are going through our own battles of life. Stop judging and the moment we do that, we have already let go of so many obnoxious feelings. Bring sanity and peace for we deserve nothing less than the best.

Love

V

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Day 7


I am lazing around. Sitting still and idle is very therapeutic. There is no compulsion of doing the running around, working round the clock, preparing interviews and pitch for the client’s deadline or scribbling in the agenda diary. Life is a race, we are often told. Every day is sheer madness in running against time and obsessively trying to wrap up things for work never ends. We are caught in a seamless and entangled web where the adage, ‘Tomorrow never comes’ holds true for us.

The pressure is relieved today and a choice to take things easy. We all need this one day in life. This week, there were two public holidays, one on Tuesday for Maha Shivratree and today, Spring festival. I worked on Tuesday from home, sorting the client’s weekly newsletter and reading cum gathering for the corporate’s magazine where the deadline is fast approaching. At times, I don’t know where to put the head and choose to give myself an off today. We all need to slow down to figure things out.

At times, I wonder what social media is turning us into, the over obsessive who doesn’t shy in posting selfies every nano-second and showering our Valentine love going all over the place. The world just went gaga, crazy and weird to an irritating level on Valentine Day. It irked me to see so much of love splaying like virus in the atmosphere. It’s such a fake world we live in and we wouldn’t leave our smartphones to check notifications. It makes me wonder about the definition of happy individuals or healthy couples needing social media validation. I am also guilty of constantly checking notifications on the phone and high time to do some soul-searching, albeit cutting the phone chord momentarily.

What has happened to genuine human bonding and interaction where we would pick up the phone to call our loved ones? Zilch! One can count on the fingers the number of times we actually indulge in quality conversation with real people rather than being enslaved to gadgets or a life controlled with the daily stress of work which is stripping us of our real emotions. I feel that every week, we must choose a day to be with ourselves, chucking out the pressure of doing better than the self or the world, learning to take things easy and not doing anything. Just be with the self in a state of awareness. Breathe fresh air and meditate.

I connected with a friend on WhatsApp just now, R who was a classmate at Fergusson College and speaking after a decade-plus which feels like crisp and beautiful memories. We both agreed. At times, I am amazed how technology ushered in our lives and there was a time when we would send messages on SMS and nothing on earth would lead us to believe that one day, something like WhatsApp would make us connect again. The college friends are bliss and pure blessing for me and can’t even imagine life without the people who played such an incredible part in making me who I am today. I love such surprises for there is a hidden meaning that the extraordinary will soon unfurl. Hidden surprises have always been part of my life.

Now that what one calls a fulfilling and productive day in life without doing anything. I started reading Rishi Kapoor’s Khullam Khulla and like the book’s title suggest with the tagline uncensored or the initial pages, no stone or controversies would be left untouched right from personal things into his childhood days or his father, the iconic Raj Kapoor Sahab. It makes for a spicy read on the brash kid that he was and the book is a candid take on the lives of the Kapoor or the biggest showman’s offscreen romance with Vijayantimala and Nargis.

The weather been very hot today and sweated it out by doing 30 minutes of yoga to keep one healthy and fit. Yoga has brought me closer to my inner self and bringing so much peace, harmony and tranquility.

Shall be back to the grind tomorrow. I know it’s a Saturday but there is work that needs to be fleshed out and appointment sorted out before hitting the road in full gear next week. Time to accelerate things since I really hate the last minute rush that puts so much pressure on the head. I shall come with a fresh episode for Pune Memoirs super soon.

Love

V

 

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How Tamasha changed my life!


Life is a Tamasha. We are social actors emulating our part and most of the times screwing our lines, afflicted by social conditioning since childhood but also largely afraid to change the established rules of the game to grow.  We are cowards. I was a big coward. I am a still one.

This week Imtiaz Ali’s Tamasha celebrated 2 years since it hit the marquee at the Indian box office. A movie that changed my life and brought me face-to-face to challenge my inner and outer demons. We are conditioned and wrongly taught to behave in a certain fashion and reluctant to dare challenge the status quo. We are the products of a failed system. I am one. Time to accept it.

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There is a little bit of Ved, the character effortlessly played by Ranbir Kapoor in all of us, men and women. We are cowards. We seek social validation from others and if a crystal ball could whisper our deep darkest fear, secrets, and future, we would respond accordingly.

The year 2015 was a horrible phase in my life and it was a repeat of the turmoil that I was facing since 2013 and 2014. I became cranky, negative, pessimist and frustrated for nothing was working. Failure was written all over my face. I was battling an identity, social and professional crisis with debt mounting large on my head. My approach was wrong. I never had it so tough and odds were stacked against me. There was simply no way out to overcome my troubles. In short, I lack (ed) the social skills to deal with things.

It was an unsatisfactory job where we were not paid our salary in time that pushed me to desperately take a low paying job in a factory that was much below my academic and professional achievements. To wake up in the morning was a pain and was counting every second, minute and hour.  I became a living corpse. But, I had debts to pay and the money came from that fucked up job. There was no way for me to afford to sit idle at home minus the fund.

Then, the universe conspired with each other for Imtiaz Ali to make Tamasha for me and millions across the world. There was something about the film. Remember Piyush Mishra telling Ved, ‘Kayar ho tum (You are coward). Ouch! It hurts. I was Ved. I may employ defense mechanism refusing to see reality but deep inside I know that risk tasking has never been my forte.  I have always dodged challenges in life and refused to face grief, pain, rejection, and failure in life. I ran away from Mumbai years ago when the last relationship didn’t work out for I know staying in the city would remind me of her.

Suddenly, everything that blocked my nerves and mental well-being cascaded on my head and emotions steam rolled to make me see things with a clearer mind. I had to carve out my own script. I was sitting in the theatre. Tears rolled down the cheek. It cannot continue in this way, I told myself. Then one day, I woke up in the morning and watched myself in the mirror. I couldn’t recognize that guy. It was not me. I lost the verve to live and asked where has my never-say-die attitude gone? I was always someone who would never accept defeat. But, in that stage, I lost my mojo. I was not real. I became fake. Something must be done. The Ved in me was convinced.

There was no point living a life replete with suffering and unhappiness. What was I doing to myself? Except carrying my coffin on an overburdened shoulder. So what? Yes! This Ved had to reclaim his mojo. It doesn’t matter that I will have no fund and swim against the tide. But, I promise not be carried away by the tide of unhappiness and growing frustration. It was time for me to experiment, go blank and tread in the present or future that bears no uncertainty.

The first thing that I did: Took the risk to resign. It was a huge gamble financially. I had pending loans and EMI bill to settle. But, there was a force within that told me that things would fall into place.  It felt like every possible force conspired for my well-being. I pulled my luggage stacked with memories of my college days in Pune and found a poster I bought in the year 2005 on the pavement on FC Road for 5 bucks.

‘Don’t quit…when things go wrong as they sometimes will…when the funds are low and the debts are high…rest if you must but don’t quit.’ I stick the poster on the wall. It emerged as a catalyst. My friends during the formative years at Fergusson College have always been my strength who keep defining my identity and something that I forgot but Tamasha served as a reminder that things will not be awry forever. After all, I studied in the best place in Pune, Fergusson College and had a successful stint as a journalist. If things have been good once, life ultimately gives a second or third chance.

If there was one thing I learned from Tamasha, it is be unafraid to fail, take risks or experiment with life, no matter what. Immediately after my resignation, I landed into a freelance contract and a second project as a survey consultant followed. It felt that my voice and pain never went unheard. Today, I am a consultant for a PR firm and Senior Special Correspondent for a business website, surrounded by the right kind of people where I can afford the luxury to work from home. I am a late bloomer. I may not be in the perfect stage of life but am today in a very happy space.

I am a work in progress. There will always be ups and downs in life. Thank you, Imtiaz Ali, for Tamasha has taught me a great deal about never shying to take risks, not be bogged down by social conditioning, experiment while on the edge of the cliff and accept the coward that I am. Being self-aware and living in the moment or never be shy of dreaming the life I always wanted to is my real Tamasha. Yes! I haven’t given the hope of making a short film or acting on the silver screen one day. There is no age to pursue one’s dreams and taking risks no matter what happens for life has a way to hold your fingers to carry you on this journey. Tamasha has been a game changer in my life and altered my destiny.

Love

V

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WoW: When love lost….It was my last day in the city


This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.’

When love lost….It was my last day in the city

It was my last day in the city. My city. It was a Sunday. It is a Sunday. The wind blew from the Arabian Sea in the evening. I scampered on the busy road to meet her. Love didn’t triumph on that day. It failed me. The place would take off at midnight. The heart was heavy. My soul and heart shred into million pieces. I was dying at every second. It seemed that the dock of life has stopped. I cursed. I ran. A seesaw of emotions choked me inside to reach every breath taken. What’s the point, I wondered. Our fate has been sealed. Stupid love. Stupid religion. I choose to run away from the city that I have stayed long enough to call my own.

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If only I could stop the trail of time by conjured magic. It wasn’t meant to be. A matter of hours when we would go our separate ways and will probably never see each other. We met and fell in love in the city. The breeze, monuments, and stars in the sky witnessed the pure love that grew on us. The city embraced us in its cradle. Her name is S. The city that I loved so much suddenly suffocated me. The susurration of a broken heart. I was dying at every second. Love is second to none, they say. How can it happen to me? I didn’t have any choice but to leave everything and go back.

Woe betides me. We wanted to make the most of it by spending the last day together in the city. It mattered to us. I woke up early on that fateful day and stormed my way to Barista at CST, ordering Latte for the love to flicker like sugar steered and disappearing in the coffee. The love didn’t filter inside. My life fell apart. Time was moving fast. I didn’t want to leave the city. What I would do without the city, the selfless embrace that it gives and holding me in its womb, the monsoon, and the blustering echo or scything to explore every single path and wide roads.

The heart break is no fiction. I lost on love. I was the vanquished. A dejection that pushed me to the brink to abandon everything. I had to get away from love, longing, monsoon and the city. I was calling her Jaan. I was counting the minutes between shuttling to the room, shopping and locking the baggage. We met after six pm. The same place that we first met and fell in love. It was the iconic library where we studied together, laughed, fought and held hands. The pain bellowed. We sat on the same white bench. She promised that we will meet some day. I didn’t nurture hope. It’s better that we don’t speak or reason on what could have been. There was no point. No words expressed on our break up. We walked together to Fab India for she had to exchange the gift I gave her. The Kurti didn’t fit her. We spotted a celebrity. She gave me gifts that I have preserved till now, the CD and card where her words flew like lyrics that couldn’t quench the thirst of love. The first time that I lost. We hugged and traveled for the last time in the local train, sashaying our way on the crowded platform at CST.

Not all love stories have a happy ending. Pain can be empowering and define one’s journey. The time for take off approached. I fastened the seat belt. I stared at the sky and stars to make a wish for them to fulfill. It was her. The plane rifled in the sky and in the fleeting minutes, the city disappeared from my gaze like a dream that flitted away in an invisible manner to never become true again. I visited the city after ages and every step taken reminded me of her smile and gaze. It was closure. I shall be back with a vengeance to carve new memories and live every second one day. Love for humans is an illusory attachment. The love for the city remains eternal. Someday, we shall unite for time has stitched the heart that lost on doomsday. A story of love nurtured and took shape in the city. There is a purpose and meaning behind everything. It wasn’t meant to be. The city is capacious like a home for every lovable and lost soul warbling the song of love and pain.

PS: As I was writing this post, I received a terrible news on the sudden passing away of a super talented, fashion and travel blogger, Pari Knitha Urs who was a Facebook friend that I never met but who was always encouraging, kind and never shied to help. May God bless her soul. She was blogging on The Wanderer’s Diary.

Love

V

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Seeking productive energy and happiness


It was drizzling outside in the dark. The sound of the water splashing felt like a lyrical composition of a soft lullaby murmured in my ear. The lights were on in the room. You know this feeling, right?! Gentle pouring of water on the ground and the trace of rain falling on the window glass sheet soothes the soul and mind giving it the much-needed calmness to retain the composure and balance. I tossed on bed.

The eyes unfurled and opened at 4 a.m to the swaying of leaves and the soft sound of rain. It took a while for me to recall that I crashed early at 10 p.m the last night after taking the medicines for cough, sore throat, and mild fever. It felt a bit cold. I turned to my right and got out of bed in yog posture. It was an unusually wintry morning where I walked into the kitchen to boil the drinking water and poured milk in another pan.  The eyes vied for the tea leaves and milk brewing together, something which always fascinates me as  I rubbed the palms together and putting them an inch above the vessel. I love doing that in the cold weather to feel the warmth on my palm and watch the steam flowing. It’s a feeling of bliss.

The past few days hasn’t really been going strong with the unwanted feeling and thoughts hitting me in the unlikeliest of places and dampening the mind which goes into turmoil. The beautiful morning sent a reminder to focus on the positive aspect and as today, I read on someone’s blog how unhealthy it is to let negativity stay as a guest. It did the trick. I think it is important for all of us to be occupied with productive energy, be it reading, remembering the good memories and channeling our energies in the right place. I think meditation can help one to a great deal. Faffing to constant thoughts and actions, which has been an inherent part of me in recent years, does no good to anyone.

There is so much negative energy around us, be it with people or the online world that it takes a toll on our mental and physical health and well-being. I am touched by the positive story of the real-life S(hero), TV  anchor Surpreet Kaur who read the news about her husband’s death in a car accident which she didn’t realize at first but as the details came in the report, she got an inkling of the tragedy that struck her. More power to people like her who held her might in the studio. For me, this is positivity and strength. Had she cracked down on TV, one would understand since she is only human but one couldn’t stop admiring her inner strength.  Just imagine someone being struck by such a tragedy and the camera panning on her in this moment of grief. It’s such positivity that should reaffirm our strength, confidence and help us be in control of our lives.

Today is Easter. Yesterday was Shubo Nobo Borsho and Rongali Bihu the respective Bengoli and Assamese New Year. It’s the time when we exchange New year greetings and celebration wishes with our loved ones and friends. We may not be born in a community celebrating specific festivals but we become a beautiful part of it in spirit and thought. Today, my neighbor came early morning with a bag filled with chocolates for Easter as we wished each other Happy Easter and it made the day. I have always believed in celebrating numerous festivals, be it Diwali, Eid, Xmas, Spring or the numerous festivals which one may not be culturally attuned to but, it brings immense joy to the soul and reaffirms our faith in humanity. It’s the happiness and bonding that the world needs through the channeling of our energies as human beings.

On that note, let’s raise a toast to channel our energies to positive feelings, love and spreading positive vibes to fellow humans so that no one suffers in any form, be it the topsy-turvy mind doing a u-turn and delete the word hate from our lives.

Love and Shubbhratri

V

 

 

 

 

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Har ek friend on Sunday and things like that!


You know what’s the best feeling on earth? When you make first calls on your brand new phone to your closest and bestest friends, no matter how far away distance separate you from your folks. Saat Samundar Par is just another excuse. The first call was made at  Dadar in Amchi Mumbai where the best buddy is nestled with his wife. Love birds and new couple. Ha! He told in a whatsapp message that he got rear ended on his way back home when three cars stumbled to hit each other. Thank the stars, no one were hurt or bruised.

The first call was made and we spoke for a good half an hour about the lazy Sunday in Mumbai. Shit man! How much I miss that place? The conversation verged on my impending relocation plan and the first thing in his mind was don’t come back, till I get a well-paying job since the place is getting so expensive by the day and it’s becoming increasingly difficult for bachelors to secure a place in the city. Travelling can be taxing, he said. My thought harked back to my routine travel by the local train and which is really my comfort level. That was form another era.

Despite me being out of the city and the country for hell long time, I reasoned that it shouldn’t really be an issue. After all, it’s a matter of time to get back to the grind despite the 8-year-itch. He doesn’t travel by Mumbai local nor BEST buses. I teased him about how he has become the typical NRI. We discussed and agreed on the possibility that I can consider moving to the outskirts, Navi Mumbai and places like Vashi, Kandivali or Thane. It would make it easy to travel through the harbor lines and not the western route, he argued.

Still, he doggedly believes that travel is a drudgery of sort. The conversation was done. I felt bad of not being able to shift owing to issues made by homeowners of denying a roof to bachelors. You know the whole so-called social norms and what’s not! It’s such a fuck-all feeling of wanting to shift but not being able to do so based on economic reasons.

I had a networking event to attend along with a colleague and friend for the Bangladesh Independence Day as part of our job for the website when she along with her husband was supposed to pick me up past 5. I reached the place one hour earlier and sat at the coffee shop, sipping cappuccino and reading magazine and stuff. I love to sit in coffee shops to read and drink coffee. It’s my idea of relaxation. The whatsapp call buzzed and it was Meghna from Mumbai, whom I was trying to call subah on the new handset. After all, what better way to use the new phone than calling close friends?

She was my first caller on the new phone. We spoke for a good 20 minutes about her work, lack of holiday by working crazy round the clock, meetings we both abhor attending and of course, Mumbai. I think that I am going to turn into a sentimental memory freak for the rest of my life, hanging on to the past and wanting to reclaim the life that went by. A lovely conversation about everything under the sun, right from munching Maggi  as quick but unhealthy bite to fill up and both us looking for extra freelance work. Naturally, the conversation hovered on housing in the city and how everything is fine, except renting a home. Mumbai can truly be called Sankat in the city.

There are few Sundays like that which ends in the company of friends over the phone, travelling and working together. In today’s stressful times, the only thing that makes us sane and healthier is the company of friends…har ek dost zaroori hai!

Love

V

 

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Changing equation of friendship


Strange things are happening to me.  It’s been a few days that I am getting carried away by an emotional turmoil and today I felt the pang which compelled me to ping a friend on Gchat. I told her, ‘I need to vent things out’. It’s a guilt feeling inside. I dunno whether I am feeling better or not after uncorking the bottle of feeling.

In Dil Chahta Hai, the three best buddies Sid, Sameer and Akash head to Goa where the latter watch a ship at a looming distance which he equated to their lives and will disappear in a while. Sid says something about how the three of them will chart unique destinations and no one knows where life will take them. In ten years time, it will be almost impossible for them to meet once. Strangely, it is happening to me right now.

My best friend just got hitched in February to his childhood sweetheart and he came down from Australia to get married in India. Since we are in two different countries, I couldn’t fly to India to attend his wedding and it was something that I was so fucking sure to do. I am still feeling so bad about it. It came to my realization how in 10 years, it would be impossible for besties to meet and it was in 2006 that he left India and I moved out in 2008.

How time flies! We take our lives for granted, right from the time I and Adi spent the most wondrous moments in college, to playing silly pranks and fighting over mundane things. I never thought that we would be sitting on the opposite end of the fence and that life would make us sink in the humdrum of making money, shifting jobs and starting things all over again. I mean, we are so caught up with things and circumstances that sometimes we cannot take the time to be with those who have seen the best and worst of us. I am feeling very bad not to be with the bestie on one of the most special days of his life. Has friendship grown so thin as time flew!

It got me thinking about how the whole equation changes as someone ties the knot? Have you ever thought about it? There are friends with whom we make lifelong memories and hang out together or on Whatsapp, chat or phone if you are in different parts of the globe and suddenly he or she makes the announcement of getting hitched. Time suddenly takes its toll on friendship and life. Things will not remain the same as the person gets married and moves forward in life. It’s the changing equation of friendship. After all, they have to make their life or start a family. It matters. Friendship does matter.

It’s been bothering me for quite a while. I know that it can look stupid in places. After all, life never stays static. I mean, I am someone who was never close to family or relatives but my life always revolved around friends who means the most rather than the former. Technology is replacing relationships. Circumstances make relationships evolve over time and what remain are plain memories of crazy times spent together which gave us the impression at that time that things shall never fade away. The priceless moments keep playing in the head as if it was yesterday only you were meeting your friends in college, going bonker over your latest crush and your bestie ingenious way of devising a plan how to get introduced to that chick. Memories and life beyond that!

It’s true that you need to live with this fact of life that things change once you are settled. The phone calls would be less or may be, the communications would be restricted to Facebook, a once-in-a-blue-moon message on WhatsApp in exchange for a smiley.

How much we give to friendship without making the effort and we bond, getting attached to each other as human beings? Why it happens with some people and not the others? Such questions are plaguing me. I mean, it’s humanly impossible to run away to your closest friends after every single issue and you cannot obviously fly now and then. Like in my case, I was super confident that we would meet and was looking for a personal loan to travel but since I couldn’t pay the previous one on maturity time as a result of my earlier job where we were paid salary after two months since the company was facing losses, I stood disqualified.

Such is life, circumstances, and friendship. The equations change and not everything is in our hands. But, it taught me a lesson: Save for rainy days and take an insurance if one’s savings is zero. In friendship, I believe and memory treasured. One should make the most of life for we never know where that ship may leave us that it would be impossible to spot our own shadow in the stormy sea and crashing waves.

This post is also linked to #MondayMusings on Everyday Gyaan.

Love

V