What is love?


Image credit: Google/http://im.rediff.com/getahead/2011/feb/01firstlove.jpg

What is love?

A shot of adrenaline pumping

Pint of restlessness and breathlessness

A heart lost in no time to an invisible scent

Her fragrance and cosmic pull

Fragmented in pieces

The divine touch

Flutter of roses

Electrifying touch

sending rippling waves

Churning emotions like the glacier

Filling seamless ocean

Quenching the thirst

Sensation and touches that cut deep

The emptiness of a heart,

breaking all rules to conquer the unconquered

A painful and bruised heart

It derives joy in a heart shattered into pieces

Call it what you may,

love find its identity in different forms,

making a pale shadow of itself

It’s called love.







Relationships, love and complexities

A dear blogger friend whose views resonates with me and whose opinions I value a lot wrote on her space about relationships, hope and the act of busy falling in love with friendship and people. It’s a dichotomy of the sort as we get used to people and most of the times, we fail to see the blurred line between falling in love with people and getting used to them. It can get very tricky. Read this post on The Idea-Smithy blog.

It got me thinking how often I have fallen in and out of love with various people during the carefree, student days and in not too recent times. But, truth be told, as I age, it’s been a tale of perfecting my art of running away from love owing to the fact that the most serious relationship didn’t work out. It hurt me a lot and questioned my belief in what we call love. Why the fuck that we fall for people? It left me wondering whether I will ever find love, as it is I am in my mid-30s? Being a seeker is my most favorite phrase to describe the self.

Relationships are tricky and complex. Love is an oxymoron. What we believe is love can be as simple as just getting used to people. It’s true that we don’t want conflicts in our relationships and expect things to be honky-dory. I don’t want to commit or carry the burden of long-standing relationships. But, it’s also true, that there is the inherent fear of rejection. Yes, it makes me insecure at times.  Over the years, I have grown up not believing in marriage as an institution since I am bothered about it taking away my space as a person or stifling my emotional freedom as a person. Or, truth be told bluntly, I fear being turned down. It’s my belief that marriage can be suffocating and prevent human growth since we are trapped into society’s beliefs of what is wrong or right.

It has been a habit with me in the past to fall into people with whom I connected with. See, I am an emotional sucker and thrive on them. But, that doesn’t mean that I like to suffocate people. It’s the last thing that I can ever think of doing. It’s also true that I don’t want to hurt the self in a relationship for the strong belief instilled in me that I am done and dusted with that. But, should it be reason enough to run away? When that relationship didn’t work out, I choose to run away from Mumbai. Yet, I was armed with an unflinching hope that things would finally work between us and like some magic, love will surprise me. It was a relationship fraught with complexities, I am Hindu and she is Muslim. I hail from a conservative family and our respective parents would never accept to sanctify this relationship. That’s the issue with us humans: We are always looking for social sanction. How flawed our value judgments are?

I am always in two minds, whether I should be in a relationship or not. At one moment, I tell the self to close the eyes and go for the kill and the next, it’s like that I don’t have time for all this. It’s the biggest lie. Why as humans we want to kill the hope and optimism as free birds in relationships? I am aware that I am no longer in my 20s but mid-30s where mature decisions have to be taken? But, then, a heart knows no reasoning or logic.

It always happens with me when I fall in love with friendships where there is always the fear of risking it and ending losing both love and friendship. Love may reach an expiry date but friendship never does. I guess, there is no clear-cut answer when it comes to dating, love or relationships. We should never shy in dating someone for it teaches us a lot. There is no guarantee that the relationship will stand the test of time because who knows what will happen tomorrow.

I think it is important for all of us to be positive and build on hope, in all our relationships or interactions in the routine of life. As humans, we are shaky and an upset, big or small can pull the trigger to make us vulnerable and losing faith or trust in people. I have realized there is no point in crying hoarse over regret and be open to dating without prejudices or expectations. True, loving freely without expectations work for me since I am nurturing the idea of not indulging in self-hurt.

With love


Sex with an ex (8)

The mind wandered between putting an end to the whole thing and at the same time, gathering her wit, telling the whole truth to Rohini. Over time, the two women became the best of friends. One night, Anita’s world came crashing down when she saw Rohini having a showdown with Ajay in the hotel lobby.

She followed the movements between Rohini and Ajay who dashed out like a storm. Rohini was tripping with the alcohol running inside her vein, fuming and her hands trembled when Anita ran towards her. She innocently asked, “What’s wrong, Rohini?” The latter was trembling, “Arrey! It’s my ex-husband. What a bastard he is. I mean, we live under one roof but we don’t have any relationship. I just discovered his affair with his ex. I am sure he is banging that bitch. I will get that bitch killed.” Anita was silent and went numb.

Anita couldn’t comprehend what’s happening with Ajay who turned out to be Rohini’s husband and the latter plotting to kill her. Her phone rang and as the number flashed on her screen. She almost fainted. It was her fiancée, the man who is controlling her with a remote control. During the past few months, Anita has turned into a swindler, siphoning million from a random company’s account, transferring funds into her bank account.  The man at the end of the phone ordered,” Hey baby! What are you doing losing your time with a random woman in the hotel?.” It pierced her heart. She turned around to see if he was following her and it was impossible with random men and women swirling in and out. She is being watched. She knew for sure.

The guy said, “Back to business, business. It’s the last assignment and I promise not to make your life hell anymore. We will live happily after with loads of money and rule over the city.

Anita couldn’t muster the courage to refuse and nodded her hand, stammered with a hesitating, ‘Y-e-s’. She took her laptop bag and scampered into her green Maruti Swift, driving recklessly to reach the hotel room where she put the machine on.

She scanned her laptop to steal the password from the corporate giants since she came across that they are going to do the biggest business tie up in Mumbai that makes the stocks run into a tizzy. Her fiancée wanted to cash on that to make crores by stopping the deal and the only way is to hack the emails and block the company’s account. It’s like a fortress. She knew it. She took a sip of a cappuccino when she incidentally stumbled on an email that was left open which someone forgot to close in a hurry.

It felt like a Pandora box and a volcano that hit her on the head. What, how, why! Fuck! Oh my God! He is having an affair with a powerful lady and they’ve been conspiring to use and kill me after the deal is closed. Oh! I am trapped! Anita couldn’t believe her eyes. She hit the keyboard in frustration. A fear ran down her spine and she felt like her would explode. “So…I’ve been used as a scapegoat…the whole engagement and that woman knows me to the core…Everything was a trap…”

The ringtone screeched inside her ear like a cry of despair that compelled Anita to pick it up. “Listen! No, I don’t want to hear anything. Just come and meet me near the Railway Station…No time to argue with you. Both of our lives are in danger. Yes! Rohini! It’s my wife. She is behind everything. We need to save our skins,” Ajay’s voice crackled as if he encountered the face of death.

To be continued…



Open secret of insecurity

I shall tell you an open secret: Insecurity gnaws the best of us, the scribbler we respect, the successful business honcho or film star we envy, near and dear ones, our favorite barista or the man or woman wielding the biggest power on earth. How about a white lie to the self. We often do that, in pretending to be our own self and how strong we are to the world? Truth be told: We are vulnerable humans who get insecure from time-to-time.


Image sourced from Google.

The insecurity to face the day, winning over the super hot girl whom we will never propose for the fear of being rejected, turned down by the much-coveted job, writing-yeah right, speaking to someone in a confident and easy manner, public speaking or battle our demons. We often fail to concentrate and the wandering mind that can break us into tiny pieces.  Does it? Nopes, it’s just that we suffer lapses which equip us to learn about our shortcomings.  It’s natural to compare ourselves with others and envy their wit or lifestyle where insecurity grapple us. It can be anything, right from unhealthy criticism, fear of judgment or backbiting that sometimes sap our confidence and vitality. A tale of counting sour grapes in the box that leads us to believe that everything is sour.

There was a time when I thought that I would never be able to shine or find a job during the toughest period in life. I lost my sanity and was slowly ravaged by the fire of depression, insecurity and monotonous flow of life. It’s okay. We are humans. We have every right to stumble or fall. Don’t judge yourself when on some days, you become insecure. Once a friend told me, don’t drive yourself to the wall. It’s true. Never do that to yourself. Be a pearl in the ocean infested with poison or monsters.

It is fear that created insecurity in my book. The same fear can destroy our inner core and it is something that one doesn’t wish to others. Learn to chill about it. Vent if you may, But, never let it soar and munch your soul like termite. Insecurity can be just about anything, right from love to money, a car, travel or professional woes. Every day is a battle, I believe. Our struggles never end. Why let insecurity attack us in the unlikeliest of places?

Everyone has a story. We would never know who is waging a battle and fighting human insecurity at any juncture in life. It’s about dreams and life has an unusual way of knocking us off the perch. The moral of the story is that we need to climb the hill all over again where every sacrifice has been wiped off by the violent storms. It’s okay. We shall do it differently, this time.

It is sometimes our ego that prevents us from learning, the misplaced and dogged attitude in seeing our life from the compass of others or the competitive us who want to run against time. The list is long. My plans to get back to Mumbai is forever delayed. It makes me insecure at times and trust me, I get that a lot. But, I am learning the virtue of patience. I am in a happy space right now and things will work when the time is right.

The next time insecurity tries to tear you, just smile, breath and dream bigger but bear in mind that you are unique as a person. It can never destroy you. Let it do the dance of fury till it gets tired and is wiped out.




Monday reflection: Shade of sunset


Image credit: Google/Flicker/Mohammad Habib

Blue curtains.

Velvet fabric for all seasons.

Azure blue sky.

Shade of sunset.

Shadow of striking sunlight.

Tranquil water.

Reflection of skyline.

Human emotions swathing,

into tiny dollops of balloons.

Make a wish!


Fancy imagination.


Crystal rings.


Shaping beauty of magnet.

A bit like our fascinating destiny.

Parapet! Bearer of our dark secrets.

Boulders hiding our veiled existence.

Turmoil of the seas, hiding beneath the rocks.

Soothing the soul and spirit.

Haunting past.

Present knows no bound.

Future is always scary and intriguing.

Connecting the thread of two lives.

Interconnected together.

It makes a fascinating and untold tale.










Unrealism of love

You gonna smell the rat;

Poisonous love;

Twirling of fingers;

Pure bliss;

Cavernous alley;

Seeker lost inside the labyrinth;

Treachery path;

Love can take us to the dark alley,

seeking the God of love;

Watering down to illusion;

It’s the mind playing havoc;

No love ain’t too big to lose the self;

Worshipping the obsessed hearts,

whom death couldn’t do them part;

Poetic justice;

Happens only in the after thought,

and garden of Eden and Eve;

Love can be unreal;

The unrealism hold it’s force;

The might of love;



Fragrance of the cactus


Image sourced from: Google

Fragrance of the cactus;

Scent of love;

It was never meant to be;

Unfulfilled tale;

She was my cactus,

sparkling scent of longing, forever and undying vows;

Lost in translation;

Decades that made me turn away from love;

Unrequited in all its forms;

Witnessing upheavals and storms:

In the name of love;



Silly kisses and touching;


Moving ahead;


The cactus,

a powerful reminder;

Pricking the heart;

Memories disappearing in the thin veil of dust;