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Home Truth: Toxic relations are the substance abuse


I am a smoker. I drink occasionally and a rare treat nowadays to get sloshed and slam the brain with alcohol. The home truth is both alcohol and cigarettes consumption when done to an extreme level and pretty much like substance abuse becomes toxic that makes it an almost impossible task to breathe. The same rings true for our relationships be it with family, extended relations, friends, colleagues or whoever matters. As hard as it gets!

One cannot cut the umbilical cord but it’s legitimate to chuck off ties with extended family or relatives who do us more harm than good. Self-inflicted harm is not something that we should subject ourselves to for the soul deserve nothing less than the best to ensure sanity. Negative energy can come in the form of family members or relatives who seemingly want to decide everything for us, the choice to be educated, getting married or not, having children and the choice of a partner.

I have seen it from a very close range with this whole bullshit argument about keeping mum simply because someone is elder which implies that he or she has the right to drag us in the muck or utter any rubbish on the face. The whole R for respect argument is thrown like a volley on faces to hurl abuse. I came across this article on ‘Here why it is completely fine to cut off family members from your life?’ which is an eye-opener and show why we have no right to stay in a negative relationship by accepting to be insulted or listen to the crap doled out. As self-respected and dignified human beings, we cannot let them have an emotional masturbation over us.

Manipulations, saas-bahu type drama, emotional aggression and putting us down is a forte they have mastered where they will not stop at anything to shows our rightful place as deemed fit in their dictionary. Putting in doubt the mind on how right they are and how wrong we are or deciding everything for us is something they are never shy at doing. It’s as if they are doing us a favor for being stupid. There is not a moment when they will not allude to this favor by pretending to be some saint, Baba Ramdev type and that you need to comply to their whims and fancies. The worse is to make one feel obliged to attend their family gathering or religiously meeting them or else you become an ungrateful prick and good for nothing. I am not arguing about the whole idea of being grateful and respectful to someone who helped in the past. But, I am sorry. I will help only if am able to, at free will and not at the cost of trampling my individuality. Firstly, I am under no obligation to you and secondly,  nothing comes at the altar of my personal space or privacy. One should be grateful in the wider context to none.

As humans, our brains have been wired in such a way to seek approval from others and particularly family or relatives who may never see us as their number one priority. Why should you bend and twist to their wishes or value judgments? There is nothing wrong with being selfish and putting the ‘ME First’ at the top of the agenda. Nobody has the right to muzzle your thoughts, individuality, dreams, aspirations or act as a chowkidar to the steps taken.  So what if they are family or close relatives!

As a person, I have always been more close to my friends rather than relatives for the first one has always let me be myself and blooming rather than casting sadistic judgment. It is my life and right to freedom. Healing should take prominence since, at every second, we face negative vibes, toxic energy, guilt or pain. I believe in the idea of erecting a wall or glass panel to shield myself from negativity. One has every right to choose travelers in this journey and chuck out the ones who make me uncomfortable.

Stop pandering to relatives, family or plain strangers who may hurt you for they may not be present at the time of waging the hardest battles. Of course, always honor your parents and close friends who stood tall through thick-and-thin moments. For me, my Mom, late Dad and close friends who stood rock solid by my side matter the most. I shall have no hesitation to filter relatives or family that may have hurt me or in whose company, the heart and soul cannot prosper. We all have choices to make and every step taken, good or bad will have a bearing on us. I have learned to take things in my stride by keeping distance or bluntly put, flushing people out of the system.

 

Love

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Author:

Work-in-progress, seeker and bundle of contradictions. Stubborn and Refusal to grow up and constantly in search of myself, I blurt it out on my space. Drop in and share some love. Indian by choice.

14 thoughts on “Home Truth: Toxic relations are the substance abuse

    1. Thanks Pragati. Many times we don’t realize but we are better off without close family or relatives in case toxic energy takes precedence. Stay away from negativity.

  1. I’m the same, really close to my family (and family is everything), but keeping a safe distance from relatives. And family means blood family, relatives, and friends. The ones I call relatives are not worth my time. They’ve done nothing but steal and cheat and lie from and to me and my loved ones. Respect goes both ways. I don’t expect someone younger to kiss my feet, or even wash / touch them, but I do expect them to mind me if they’re children. Meaning if I ask them not to cross a street, because I know how tricky the traffic is and they don’t, I’d like them to listen. But I’ll definitely respect their opinions, and I’ll explain why I ask them to do such and such, and why they can’t. And I don’t force them to give myself or anyone a kiss or a hug. I always ask them how they want to say hello and good bye.

    So yeah, if I don’t get respect from my elders, in that my feelings are valid, and they will protect me instead of trying to sell me down the river, they can suck it. We need to make it ok to break ties. Yes, a mother and father are the most previous things you can have, but if they don’t act like parents, you have every right to break ties.

    1. I am agree with you. It whittles down to self respect and positive vibes whether it’s immediate family or relatives. I have seen it closely and feel it’s fine to slowly cut off ties from those relatives who can only spread bad vibes. It’s the least that we need and better to stay away from that. Respect is what we want and not forced relations.

      1. I just stopped talking to them. Saw them at a function, and I was civil, but didn’t add anyone on Facebook or any other social media. Dropped my racist, anti-Semitic cousin, too. Even though I babysat her for an entire summer once (the only way my aunt let me stay with them in Chicago) without getting paid. I would have done it for free anyway, but this just emphasizes their user mentality. My cousin was heartbroken when I left. As an adult what I identify as was more important than my character or what we have in common. The funny thing is, she forgets that we have Jewish heritage. Won’t even acknowledge it. Anything you have extra is a plus. Then again, I reject the country she identifies with most. Plus, they all see me as German, which is where I lived when we were in touch. I don’t claim Germany as part of my heritage, and this alone tells me how little they know about me (nothing).

      2. I know how hard it can get when you baby sat someone but it’s better to reduce communications or engagement for there is little chance that such ingrained prejudices will be filtered. I am doing same and keep the conversation at a minimum. Many don’t acknowledge their roots and yes people try to know about ourselves when in fact they know very less. I also do the same by ignoring or just remain civil to a minimum level.

      3. I just cut them off, and that’s it. If we meet at a family function, I’ll exchange a few words. If we happen to be in the same town by some miracle, I cross the street. Different interests are fine, different values are a deal breaker.

      4. Yes same here. I normally avoid gatherings with some excuse and if we cross path, I sit and listen to what they say. I make an effort to be courteous! The end of the story.

  2. Family has always stayed close and has been my strength all through. I am ever willing to listen to opinions when I am given one but I have resisted bending down to pressing orders even though not one to put up a fight. I agree that we must keep away from toxic relationships that usually are the cause for a lot of negativity.

    1. True, my immediate family comprised of Mom and Dad but keep a distance from close relatives who think they can decide. I agree that arguing with them can be toxic and opens a floodgate of negative energy. That way, been close to my friends than relatives.

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