Put your thoughts to sleep,
do not let them cast a shadow
over the moon of your heart.
Let go of thinking.
A cuddle button. We all love it, right from our point of sensual intimacy, to stand naked in the bathroom to running our fingers on the skin and the Facebook notifications, flashing red. Don’t you lie?! Birthday notifications can be shallow. You wake up when hundreds wish you happy birthday at the stroke of midnight, giving the elated feeling that we are some new-born country that sweated blood to obtain independence.
I am a crazy fellow and can be weird in the middle of the night like my old laptop conking up, suffering from blues. It was one night, slouched wide awake on the bed and whining time on the Ipad, sharing and liking stuffs on FB when the thought rattled my mind. Yes! I did it ! Happy I did so. I clicked on my birthday notification and de-activated it, days before D-Day. This time, I decided that I will not let the notification be made public. Crazy as it sounds! There shall be no excitement at the stroke of midnight, pinning for birthday wishes. Trust me on that: I’ve turned into a narcissist since six years, counting from 2010 and longing for people writing Happy Birthday on my wall like the Lal Batti that keeps flashing, giving me sensation of being a neta driving past the street with a sense of VIP-dom. It can abruptly bring to a halt our dock of life on Janam din.
It was last week when the clock of life struck midnight serving as a grim reminder, ‘Hey! You are turning a year old with streak of grey. So stop pretending to be the cool dude. Your sex life is boring. Only shades of grey. So, just buzz off from the planet of cool and hunky lads.’ As if, I give a fuck or rat ass, I wanna placate. But, I chose to skip all such stuffs and flushed out negativity from the mind, body and soul. The truth is that I wanted to spend the birthday with myself, be with the soul at every nano second of life. And, I am glad that it made sense. I felt so peaceful after a long time for being with myself at the end of the day. It’s a beautiful feeling with the mind, body and the heart at the right place.
Nobody owes me anything. I owe it to myself and to life, perhaps. The good, bad, ugly, happiness in leaps and bounds or disappointment when nerves frayed is a debt to life. I believe in making one happy. Gotta a bottle of whisky, VAT 69, that I uncorked at midnight when the phone rang. It was Meghna calling from Mumbai and we spoke endlessly about life for a lengthy 20 minutes. It made me happy. The perfect birthday gift and nothing has changed since our college days a decade back in Pune, the Mumbai moments and the reflection about anything mundane, be it existence, work or budday. Minutes earlier, T pinged on FB chat with wishes. Yeah! Sulakshna also wished and was quite a surprise since we don’t really speak nowadays after last year’s heated saga. I am drifting!
Woke up in the morning to try 15 minutes of Yoga on the mat where I carried the lap top in the hall and tried to follow Ekta‘s post on Yoga before sitting in meditation, with the self for another 5 minutes. I closed my eyes and felt every nerve in the body movement-cum-the-mind. Meditation has played a part in making me more calm where I finally started to see results after 10 months. There was no slathering of cake on the face but met a friend and his kids. Bought some chocolates for them and the enthusiasm of the toddlers for my birthday made me smile. The youngest scribbled something with the colored pastels as a gift for me and told that I need a birthday cap. The moment he leaped with joy reminded me how we lost the child in us forever and squirreled away joy in all its forms. During the evening, I sat and wrote a sensual romance as a treat to the self.
I am on a different trip in life. I wanna see the inner and spiritual side in me, tapping my strengths and weaknesses to work upon, improving the self every single second. There were the lost years when I could have worked on myself but never did. There was no dearth of opportunities to do that but I squandered them. Every single day in life matters and will use the opportunity to improve the self. This birthday was a golden time to reflect and am happy it did wonders, to be with the self. It really works big time.
There was a time I skedaddled from life and the battles thrown at me. I still hark back to the time I left Mumbai after a love disappointment and it was an act of running away from the self. But, not anymore. All such things had a bearing on life and I take responsibility for the not-so-happening things as an after-effect for this act of mine. It’s me and no one else. There are gentle waves, stroking the soul that keeps harping I gotta face things hands down. I am a work-in-progress. Last week was a pretty good one where I landed a project as a consultant and it came uninvited. I am a great believer in magic and love it when life surprises me. And, it did. Everything happened so swiftly to the heart contentment.
I know. I am in the mood to bloviate. Bear with the me. The post is straight from the heart. I am in a very happy space. I chose to quit the job to sit at home , looking for freelance work options. It doesn’t mean that I will not take a full-time job but right now, I am in a fulfilled zone and at peace with the self, loving the soulful experience. It’s not the easiest thing to be a stay-at-home dude when you have debts and EMI but slowly, I shall arrive and conquer things since the past three years has not been particularly kind when life threw stones at me which I’ll turn into pebble. There were disappointment, depression and what’s not. But, then, when life was a smooth curve and why not me!
Last year, Shruti a colleague at work and a good friend gifted me Deepak Chopra’s Ageless Body, Timeless Mind that I finished on the birthday. It took me nine months to finish, reading at peace, learning, unlearning and the whole process of imbibing the exercises and reflections to waver the light within. I am trying slowly to tap the gentle soul in me and being at peace with the self.
Extremely grateful I am for all the years when friends on Facebook and Twitter paused to pour in happy birthday. Don’t get me wrong: Sitting for the whole day and reading birthday wishes can drain the self where you sit with anticipation, staring at the laptop screen for the whole day and lying idle. I feel blessed when friends and well wishers think about me. This time, I wanted to be with the self. I didn’t deactivate the birthday from the public to check how many remembered to wish. Far from that!! It is an exciting phase in life, harrumphing on the light that travels the soul and flung me face to face with the real me. It was the best birthday I ever had.
It’s a very personal post which is close to my heart and soul. Hope you folks enjoy the free writing that flows straight from inside.