This post is written as part of #AtoZChallenge: Blogging from A to Z April Challenge: 2016
I am in quest of my magic wand. I believe in mojo. It should come sooner or later. I whine my time at JW Mariott Hotel, sipping countless mugs of coffee where there is a bevy of strugglers hanging out there. I have skipped dinner to fork out my drained money and time at JW Mariott anticipating that some film stars or directors would come. The big break is much needed. No luck so far!
I’ve been surviving on borrowed money to buy cigarettes and feeding myself on Vada Pav for dinner. The past days, the soul has cut himself off from everyone; I feel my life has suddenly become a joke after being rejected a countless number of times and turned down unceremoniously. Sapna Madam has been an instrument of stability and she taught me how to save money. Eventually, I got a degree from Mumbai’s hip college and enrolled for short acting courses. She has left for the US. If it wasn’t for her, yours truly would be struggling for a roof in the city.
I have stopped meeting people after the last time’s incident when my friend JoJo, informed me of an audition taking place for a multi-starer film. I called the casting agent and appointment was taken where dozens of aspirants boarded a bus which travelled for 2 hours in the outskirt of Mumbai. The whole day was lost travelling in the hope of bagging the assignment. After all, I boast of an impressive CV post the Jabra video and having a number of ads in my kitty. It came as the biggest shock of my life when the casting director entered the bus for hardly three minutes and his eyes scanned few girls in short skirts. They were asked to get out of the bus and two boys wearing flashy clothes, resembling like clones of Mithun Chakraborty were ushered out.
I literally begged the guy to rope me in but he discarded my portfolio. He laughed when I told him about the Jabra video. He said, “You are not the only one. Why don’t you stand in front of Mannat the whole day? May be Shah Rukh will spot you? After all, you are dressed in a tee shirt and denim. Look at the guys we have chosen!”
My time is eluding me. I wonder whether those acting courses will ever help me. I don’t feel like going to the expensive Mariott just to sit there like an idiot. Perhaps, cinema is not for me. After all, there are thousands who land in Mumbai every single day.
I spend the days with my thoughts and avoiding every single person in town. The extreme loneliness is providing solace to me and I have been cutting a dozen calls since the morning. I don’t want anyone to reach me. I google extreme loneliness and an interesting word crops up. It’s mutterseelenallein. It seems German. But very French: me all alone. Perhaps, that’s the story of my life. I am in a state of mutterseelenallein