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Sunday musing: Anticipation and contradiction

They say, I borrow the hyper active gene from Dad, who would get worried and stressed at the drop of a hat. Being anxious has become an intrinsic part of my life where I hear the heart go dhak dhak every now and then, constantly fuming over mundane stuffs in life. I call it, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, fussing and mulling over stuffs with an over emphasis for a long time. A constant worrier over things that are simple and tiny, it takes such a heavy toll on my mind.

I am in a hurry to see the tide turn in my favor and the frenetic state of the mind pushes me to think when things will change, albeit, in a miracle of sort. Being in your 30s, you want stuffs to move fast and whatever you touch turn into gold. A gamut of contradiction defines who I am in real life. Every single day, I speak to the self, justifying that I need to go with the flow and the next, I make my own destiny which demands constantly pushing the self. I can be unfair to the self, pushing the individual to the wall. Once a friend told me, stop being unfair to yourself. I just can’t help it. I need swift actions to charter my own course in life.

Better career prospect, seeing things in a new light, control over the mind and what’s not! Perhaps, a self assessment is the need of the hour!! Risk taker, I am not sure about that but I wanna be one. Deep down, there is the scars of the past life and the scare of, what ifs. So many, What Ifs rule my life!! The scare of failure gnaws one in the same fashion of being insecure at times. Do I need to fasten the belt!!

Each one of us is born with extraordinary potential and I am no different-I know that. I wonder then what’s holding me back in pursuing my dreams. For sure, it takes time and that’s why I’ve stopped putting a year or two, the dreaded deadlines. Is it the full time job lacking fulfillment that prevents one in chasing dreams or devoting the time to pursue what one loves doing? It can be the lamest excuse or perhaps, I need a reality check. The past years has weakened me to a certain extent owing to the lack of foresight in circumstances where I should have been better prepared. Streaks of hair already turning grey and there was a time I was shit scared but now taking things in my stride. Some were circumstances where I hold no power while there were silly mistakes in the making. After all, what went horribly wrong! A voice telling me, stop cribbing Vishal. So, I better stop!

This year, I decided to embark on a fresh path and try to be less tensed or avoid feeling jittery owing to external pressure on me to do tasks. There is a deep sensation running down the throat to push things swiftly. Time is such a fucked up bitch. Will I take things slowly or look at it in a smart and intelligent way! I think its high time in changing and defining the attitude for success. 2016 will be the year where everyone will take the revenge on what hasn’t been accomplished. A year of respite and retribution, I strongly believe despite negative world business outlook by experts.

This post is not a negative outlook or pessimism but reflecting on the state of mind in a honest manner. Sometimes, we need to take a step back and let the soul speak freely without any barrier.

It has been prompted after I read one of my favorite writer cum blogger Haathi reflection on Waiting.


Have a happy Sunday





Work-in-progress, seeker and bundle of contradictions. Stubborn and Refusal to grow up and constantly in search of myself, I blurt it out on my space. Drop in and share some love. Indian by choice.

24 thoughts on “Sunday musing: Anticipation and contradiction

  1. Appreciate the honest confession of your state of mind Vishal. Fusing or getting anxious over small things consumes a lot of energy, which can be better utilized elsewhere. It is possible to train your mind not to worry excessively rather relish what you are doing and inculcate a sense of gratitude for what you have. Time is the scarce resource, so why spend it worrying. Rather it is better to take a stock in the way in which you have done in the post and move ahead in the direction in which you want to. Best wishes.

    1. It drains you completely. Made the experience last year and I am striving to start everything on a new note, forgetting about professional experience or achievement, set backs. Striving to behave like someone fresh from graduation and rekindling the dire. Thanks so much for the uplifting words, Somali:)

  2. I say take a deep breath first! I am in the midst of uncertainties. I just don’t know where my life is headed. But I am learning to take one step at a time, not to rush, but yes, a step I take. Have faith. The tide will turn.

  3. First: I believe in chasing our dreams and passions and making the most out of life, so happy to read that you are aiming for something you believe in. And I think as with all new things it brings along thoughts and worries… What ifs’ …. I really believe in you my friend, I think you will rock! Wish you only the best,and ready to contribute if you need:-) Great look on your blog now btw- I have been a bit offline for a couple of weeks, so have missed out on some things – but it was really great though…. Best of luck!!!!

    1. Thanks Eli, glad to see you here. It’s a state of mind and worry is natural with me:)
      Lots of what ifs and it’s the impatient me..but optimist this year looking at things with a fresh perspective. Thank loads for the awesome words.

  4. There is a connection. I am like you, but this year, I am letting it go. I am telling myself to calm down, take each day as it comes. Well, you are right about time. Being in 30s we all look for a miracle. Hope we both find ours and share it on our blogs.

    1. Hopefully, we can write about it very soon. Love the connection with like minded souls. I need to calm down but at the same time, push and go for things. 30s is an age where so many have the comfort and security. Pinning for the miracle:)

  5. Someone recently told me that people who are not sure where they are heading are the most interesting. The ones who are settled, accomplished , have it alls in 30s are pretty boring really! Think about that 😊 lots of lucky breaks will come just don’t put a timeframe to it … Enjoy 2016

    1. That’s something very encouraging…sounds intriguing, though. Thanks loads and pinning for this lucky break. True, we shouldn’t put a time frame and keep evolving. 2016 will be a good year:)

      1. Nopes!! Not from Jaipur. What makes you think so..hehe Not in India currently and I am missing all the fun stuffs. Hope to make amends next time and hopefully, we can meet some day:)

      2. I don’t know why I thought you did. In the early days of blogging somebody called vishal had contacted to organise a bloggers thing during the jaipur lit fest… I guess that’s why the confusion ☺️

      3. I don’t know what w what you mean by that… Infact I don’t know if I believe anyone who calls my ramblings – writings 😊 ya but the world is sometimes a small place and at others – huge and mysterious. Loving your flash fictions

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