They say, I borrow the hyper active gene from Dad, who would get worried and stressed at the drop of a hat. Being anxious has become an intrinsic part of my life where I hear the heart go dhak dhak every now and then, constantly fuming over mundane stuffs in life. I call it, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, fussing and mulling over stuffs with an over emphasis for a long time. A constant worrier over things that are simple and tiny, it takes such a heavy toll on my mind.
I am in a hurry to see the tide turn in my favor and the frenetic state of the mind pushes me to think when things will change, albeit, in a miracle of sort. Being in your 30s, you want stuffs to move fast and whatever you touch turn into gold. A gamut of contradiction defines who I am in real life. Every single day, I speak to the self, justifying that I need to go with the flow and the next, I make my own destiny which demands constantly pushing the self. I can be unfair to the self, pushing the individual to the wall. Once a friend told me, stop being unfair to yourself. I just can’t help it. I need swift actions to charter my own course in life.
Better career prospect, seeing things in a new light, control over the mind and what’s not! Perhaps, a self assessment is the need of the hour!! Risk taker, I am not sure about that but I wanna be one. Deep down, there is the scars of the past life and the scare of, what ifs. So many, What Ifs rule my life!! The scare of failure gnaws one in the same fashion of being insecure at times. Do I need to fasten the belt!!
Each one of us is born with extraordinary potential and I am no different-I know that. I wonder then what’s holding me back in pursuing my dreams. For sure, it takes time and that’s why I’ve stopped putting a year or two, the dreaded deadlines. Is it the full time job lacking fulfillment that prevents one in chasing dreams or devoting the time to pursue what one loves doing? It can be the lamest excuse or perhaps, I need a reality check. The past years has weakened me to a certain extent owing to the lack of foresight in circumstances where I should have been better prepared. Streaks of hair already turning grey and there was a time I was shit scared but now taking things in my stride. Some were circumstances where I hold no power while there were silly mistakes in the making. After all, what went horribly wrong! A voice telling me, stop cribbing Vishal. So, I better stop!
This year, I decided to embark on a fresh path and try to be less tensed or avoid feeling jittery owing to external pressure on me to do tasks. There is a deep sensation running down the throat to push things swiftly. Time is such a fucked up bitch. Will I take things slowly or look at it in a smart and intelligent way! I think its high time in changing and defining the attitude for success. 2016 will be the year where everyone will take the revenge on what hasn’t been accomplished. A year of respite and retribution, I strongly believe despite negative world business outlook by experts.
This post is not a negative outlook or pessimism but reflecting on the state of mind in a honest manner. Sometimes, we need to take a step back and let the soul speak freely without any barrier.
It has been prompted after I read one of my favorite writer cum blogger Haathi reflection on Waiting.
Have a happy Sunday