Simran is bored sitting near the window as the train rattles away from CST, Mumbai for this tiresome journey to Punjab. She is relieved that Babu-ji is busy listening to the devotional songs of Radhey Maa on his cellphone and watching the video of Maa, adorned in Red dress dancing with a bottle of Vodka in her hand. Naughty Babu-ji, Chutki would have thought about Miss Lucy telling how religion and glamor are addictive and corrupting the soul. Lajjo is fast asleep, dreaming of her hero Dharmendra romancing her in the green field of Punjab.
Chutki was reading Chetan Bhagat’s 2 States when she almost yelled in Simran’s ears. “This Chetan Bhagat is ruining literature with such quick buck books. Miss Lucy tells me that I can write better than him and here’s the proof. Take a boy and girl, add some masala, best seller. I am thinking of writing your love story with Simran and fat belly Babu-ji as the villain. Miss Luci sach kehti hai, love is an oxymoron, it keeps changing at every juncture like this train. Who knows you might find someone better than Raj or the village guy who will hold your hand? Love is a feeling that burst like balloon. Thank God I ain’t a virgin for it’s only for the faint-hearted who are too afraid to squeeze the juice. When life throws lemonade at you, make it hot and intimate.”
Simran pinches her ear, “Will you shut up, shameless girl? You are just 16 and you already got laid. Have some shame with your Miss Lucy gyaan. You better shut up. Lucy couldn’t be bothered and said, “I am just following your footsteps. Remember, how I saw you making up with Raj the other day.” Siman pulls her earplug, the only way to ignore Chutki.
Simran music stops for a while with a whatsapp message, “Baby! What are you listening on your phone? I can see you, getting so bored. Missing me my munchkin, falooda.”
At first, she is confused wondering how can Raj see her and her eyes scouts around in the jam-packed train but he doesn’t seem remotely present inside. Raj is driving the latest Porsche that he robbed from a weird fellow, wearing red pants and shoes who stopped in the middle of the highway to pee, before speeding to catch a hold of Simran. It’s his punishment, one shouldn’t overdress to kill like that, Raj is amused.
He raises his hand in the air and standing opening his arms to embrace the breeze when Chutki signal Simran to look over there. It’s Raj attempting a Shah Rukh Khan when she blew a loud whistle. Both realize what they just did and turned to look at Babu-ji and Maa snoring. Raj follows the train and stops the car when he saw a cop harassing a young man, dressed in a muddy white Kurta and a bottle of desi liquor in hand. He slips few notes in the pocket of the police man and saves the guy who hugs him tightly. Raj wanted to kick him in the ball. He enters the Porch, walking in a feminine way and flirted with Raj, “Hey, I’m Kuljeet. What you city boy doing here in our Punjab?” Raj lies, “I am here for sight seeing.” Kuljeet told him, “Good! I found you. My parents wanna me marry a girl from Mumbai, Simran but I love someone. Good you saved me from the cops and now you come to our house so that you can save me from this stupid marriage. In return, you can marry my sister, Preeti. You know she’s everything not modern, Karwa Chauth, touching the feet of her husband and this bull crap, Pati Parmeshwar.” Kuljeet dragged him to his house.
The celebration was already going full swing into the house and Raj saw Popsie who lied to them that he is the ladoo wala for the Shaadi. Raj drags Vir Malhotra, “Popsie! What are you doing here? Spoiling the game.” Popsie doffs his hat to show his bald head, “You idiot, I am here to flirt with Kammo, I just saw here. She reminds me so much of my younger days. You think I was here to support you to run away with Simran. Go and get a life dude. Let me live my life and you live yours”
Inside the room, Simran was applying Fair & Lovely when Lajo enters the room, “Simran, be fast, Kuljeet is coming to see you at the Sangeet. Stop behaving like Queen Elizabeth. This cream will not change the color of your screen. You were dark and will remain so. Still, you remain my princess and the most beautiful girl in the world.” Simran is blushing. Lajjo drags Simran to the Sangeet.
Raj faces Simran, winking at her as Kuljeet sits in anticipation, unsure why Simran is looking at his friend and smiling. Kuljeet is confused why Simran and Raj are acting so weird when Preeti pops in front of Raj, offering him two ladoo to munch, with a shy smile and Namaste-ji.
Preeti helps Vir with a thaali filled with mithai and touches his feet and was about to do the same to Raj when he moves away. He flirts with Preeti, “Honey! What are you doing?” She smiles coyly, “It’s Karwa Chauth-ji. I have already accepted you as my husband. You are such a domesticated male and the day we get married, you will work in the green field and I’ll cook nice food for you. Ji, don’t underestimate me. I can make such energetic lassi that you will never crave for Viagra and we will have healthy babies.” Raj jumps on his feet, watching Preeti turning into Chucky’s bride, “Popsie, make her understand that she will give me a heart attack, someday. I don’t wanna her to Ji-me with all this Pati Parmeshwar thingy. I feel like a prostitute caught between two women.” Vir blessed Preeti, “Someone calling you Beti over there. I am here na and don’t you trust your Sasur.”
Raj whistles his way into the room of Simran and saw her applying red lip stick and colorful eye lenses. He jumps on the sofa, “Oye! Mardala. What a would be dutiful wife you are! Today, is Karwa Chauth and you sitting munching sweet, applying make up rather than praying for my long life.” Simran chases him, “Of course, I will pray for your long life but showering you affection with my chappal. Karwa Chauth my foot. You not doing anything to convince Dad. Let’s run away, Raj.”
Raj face became tragic, “You know my Mom told me that there are two ways in life, the easy and hard one. She told me to chose the hardest way because in the start you will face thorns but will get success. Maa was so Nirupa Roy, Bharatiya Naari. I’ll choose the easy way. Yeh bhaag ke shaadi karne me bohot mazaa aata hai. You know, the thrill of running away and getting married.” He burst out laughing, stopping in mid way and chuckling.”
“Oye! Rabba!” Lajjo blew her top. “You! How come you followed us here and who let you in?” She asked.
Raj touches her feet, “Maa!! I came through the doors.” Lajjo protests, “Simran Babu-ji hates you. You think I don’t know that you are a milk thief. On top of that, your gotra and how he hates your Dad, for flirting and snatching his girl friend from college. Your popsie is such a prick, fooling Simran’s Babu-ji in UK and getting us this shop, surrounded by fake babas and fakirs. I will never forget your Popsie for making him addicted to Radhey Maa. Now, it’s too late and my husband is already addicted to Radhey Maa. What’s with running away with my daughter? Better you win her father’s heart. Why don’t you go and sell channa on the streets and dancing on the street in Pyjama suit?,” she says.
Babu-ji was sitting in the prayer room, facing a Havan Kund when Raj shyly joins him braving the flame, wondering how it’s a test of his love. He helps Babu-ji with the wood inside the Hawan Kund as the flame almost burnt his face. Babu-ji turns around and says, “Son! I haven’t seen you earlier but my heart tells me we’ve met before.”
Raj smiles, “No Babu-ji! It’s the feeling we humans have and after all, I am like your son. It’s the bell from your heart which feels that we’ve met before.” Babu-ji drags Raj, “Beta, come with me. Let’s watch the pigeons fly and I’ll feed them with Channa.” Raj was already bored, thinking ‘What a weird, pigeoned family. Why feed pigeons with channa when we could be have it with whisky?” It was the moment, now or never. Raj stammered, “Bab-ba-babuji! I love Si-si-Simran. I have come here to marry her. I am the one who stole milk from your shop. Arre! Babu-ji ab toh man jha. Forgive this small mistake. But, Babu-ji, it was not mistake but destiny’s way to unite us.”
Babu-ji raises his stick and became red with anger, “Look at you,shameless and vile creature. You have the nerves to tell me that. I know your Dad, this Vir Malhotra and on top of that, do you think I’ll forget what he did to me in London. You do not belong to the same gotra as our family and on top of that, you are a Manglik. You think I don’t know. Let Simran go bald and remain unmarried for life. I don’t care. I will never marry her to you, Never Ever.” Babu-ji storms his way back to the house and his voice almost shook the house, “Lajjo! Simran! This Raj got the guts to tell me that he will wants to marry Simran. I will never gonna let this happen. Let’s go now to the Mandir and get Simran married to Kuljeet.” Simran was forcefully taken to the mandir, opposite the railway station and what they saw there, almost gave Babu-ji a heart attack.
Kuljeet was getting married inside the temple, exchanging garlands with his partner, Shankar. Simran leaps on her feet, “Oho! He is getting married to a man. Raj, I am coming.” Babu-ji tightly holds Simran’s hand, “I lived to see this day only. Now, my only solace is Radhey Maa. What you think I am Amrish Puri or what that I will tell you, Jaa Simran jee le apni zindagi and you think I will stop you. Good riddance, now you runaway and do what you like with your life, eloping with this fool.”
A song was playing on the back of Babu-ji’s mind, ‘Ghar aaja Pardesi tera desh bulaye re’ as tears has stopped at this heart-breaking he just witnessed in seeing Kuljeet getting married to a man.
Simran is running away to the moving train and Raj perches his head out and tenders his hand to Simran when she stops on her track. “Now, what happened?”, Raj grew helpless. “Abe, wait for two minutes. Let me update my Facebook and Twitter,” Simran non-chalantly says. She types,”# Running away with Raj.” Finally, Raj drags her inside the train, catching speed back to Mumbai.
Lovers of DDLJ will kill me for doing this spoof, ‘Complicated DDLJ.’ But, it’s a tribute to the most loved Hindi romance that I can watch over and over again. First time, I watched DDLJ and found it, not bad but later grew loving the movie. A film that marries romance, tradition, awe-inspiring songs and amazing performances. Pure romance. How can we forget SRK mouthing, ‘Simran mein aa raha hoon’ or Amrish Puri telling. ‘Jaa Simran Jaa, Jee le apni Zindagi. Kajol running to SRK as the train moves away? Or, Chutki’s and her Miss Lucy. The perfect romance, if not the best romantic movie ever made which is still fresh as it was. DDLJ still sends chill down the spine. It means so much to our generation where high on adrenaline, romance grew on us. Love to us means, Dilwale Dulhaniye Le Jayenge. Senorita!! Bade shehar mein aisi choti baatein…. Adi Chopra got it right in his first film and it’s a master stroke. Pure, unadulterated love. Can anyone better DDLJ? The answer is NO, not even Adi Chopra. My most favorite romantic movie and the best love story.
The idea to do a spoof came when DDLJ completed 1000 weeks this year and Maratha Mandir stopped its screening after it finished 1009 weeks for the past 20 years. DDLJ is the journey of life and love. We saw a new and an endearing Amrish Puri, the villain we loves to hate and the powerful actor showed that he is capable of loving with equal passion he would pull his evil streak. How I wish I could watch DDLJ someday at Maratha Mandir to experience this joy.
Here’s leaving you with deleted scenes of the classic romance: