“Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already mastered you will never grow.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I woke up abruptly and visibly shaken on the bed and felt the cold seeping through the thick blanket. I tossed around to see the laptop still switched on. It’s 3.30 a.m. Gosh! It means that I hardly slept for two hours when the nightmarish shook me. It felt like a tremor and weird dream. I got up and went to the washroom.
Outside, it was raining heavily and sent cool waves inside the room where one could enjoy the luxury of baby sleep. Like a movie script, there was twist in the climax and here I am lying on bed. Finally, I dozed off to be waken up a lil late by Mom. Time to take a quick shower, coffee and dash to catch the bus for office. The rain continued unabated. Yesterday, International Yoga Day was celebrated and I stand as guilty as charged for not doing yoga for more than a year. High time to get back to the grind.
Last time, I was chatting with a friend from Mumbai and we shared our mid-life crisis how things are jinxed for many of us. There are the common friends who are undergoing relationships fuck-up, someone’s marriage falling apart while another friend is caught in a catch 22 situation, getting trapped in a relationship that’s going nowhere with a much married man. For us, it’s not love but career. I remember telling her how I have no strength and courage to get into a serious relationship, getting into all the complexity or headache. It’s a mid-life crisis, career wise where we need to figure out things. How I hate this ongoing struggling phase! Somehow, there is no quick-fix solution to get out of things. You know it hurts the most when the Monsoon is sending shock waves across, reminding me of the near perfect days in Mumbai and I wanna shift back to get my life back in the city that defines me. But, I can’t for some reasons where certain things need to be taken care. It can get frustrating, at times.
There are certain things which is really not working professionally and I need to buck up! Like we agreed, we are not trying hard enough to get things moving. Perhaps, I need to learn the virtue of patience. The irony is that not all things are bad or lost. I am surrounded by some wonderful people and do have like minded people where I work with, our blog dosts or Facebook friends. Somehow, I feel that I’ve lost the mojo, the drive or the Never Say Die Attitude I had three years back or during the college days. The word impossible never existed in my dictionary but I am feeling more vulnerable, lacking the strength to fight back. But, I know it’s just a passing phase.
The birthday is coming in less than few days. Bah! Another year that makes one grow older as one reflects that moments that vanished out of thin air, the moments, laugh, disappointments and what not! Things need to be figured out and decision taken about the future-one area which is my weak point and where I take a long time- and work on a strategy for re-location to Mumbai. Before Mumbai, Dubai would be another option and which is not bad at all. A good place to make money and grow the network, I feel, in terms of professional opportunities.
I am dying to do shopping and it’s been a while I haven’t done so. Quite a list I have, good books, movies and it’s endless. Shopping cum retail therapy works big time for me. I forgot to tell that after ages, I am back to writing in the diary and there is no better job than pouring ink on paper, a rarity and luxury far from what I am doing right now, typing. Perhaps, it’s one joy that will elude us so far. I am doing a book anthology with a couple of friends based in Mumbai and Pune, it’s something which I am delaying forever. I need to buck up and work on it. The trick lies in how to re-create and structure the narratives for the stories set in Mumbai. Also, the novel is half way through the first draft and god knows when I am gonna wrap it up.
Can this post get more personal and up close than this! Write Tribe pointers on making the subject as personal as possible, though there is no specific subject, I guess that’s what I managed to do.
“All writing problems are psychological problems. Blocks usually stem from the fear of being judged. If you imagine the world listening, you’ll never write a line. That’s why privacy is so important. You should write first drafts as if they will never be shown to anyone.” – Erica Jong
Quote credits: Write Tribe/Corinne Rodrigues
PS: Since it’s a personal post, it goes on as un-edited and typos and grammar snags are regretted.