Welcome to this Special Episode of Big Boss, Ladies and Gentlemen. We know you are busy campaigning for the Lok Sabha Elections but we thank you for making Varanasi, Delhi, Mumbai, Uttar Pradesh and the whole of India peaceful for a day. Wait! Not peaceful but freedom from politicians. You, special breed, can never leave us peaceful for a day as India will slouch on the couch to watch you netas become Abhinetas for a day. How can our viewers be left alone as you gave way to your antics for months? Our viewers will be glued liked Idiots to the Box and watch you behave as normal as homo sapiens do.
A voice seeps through:
Big Boss! I protest! You told us its Big Boss Special episode but we’ve cooped in this Lok Sabha super fast train. It’s a conspiracy to kidnap and kill us.
A shadow is glued to a small radio, close to his ear and smiles, almost stomping on his feet while hearing the recorder playing: “Har Har Modi! Har Har Modi!”
Modi-ji. Don’t worry. Our girls will whisk you and your friends inside the Big Boss House. Please stop basking in your own glory with this Har Har Modi song. It’s becoming boring now like Bappida’s I am a Disco Dancer.
Slow walk! Tap! Tap! Music playing on TV, ‘Kyon Ki Saas Bhi Kabhie Bahu Thi,’, Mulayam Singh is getting distracted as he rolls his hand on the crispy white Kurta whining and mumbling something to himself, staring at the red saree wrapping the bride-like, ageing women, slouching on the couch and eyes fixed on TV.
Mulayam Singh mutters, “Look at her. Wallowing her own image, basking on past glory aired on TV and she still thinks she is a coy bride. Bloody wanna be Bahu of Amethi.”
She turns her gaze to Mulayam Singh and glares menacingly at him, “Mulayam Singh, did you speak about Amethi?”
Mulayam Singh railed, “No!! I will not say anything to you. You are like my daughter. Why just me? The daughters of India love watching you in Amethi…sorry…matlab Kyon Ki Saas Kabhi Bhi Bahu Thi, Tulsi beti.”
“I warn you one last time. Just because I watch my own old, rehearse and boring, pro-patriarchal Soap opera doesn’t mean you have the right to call me, Tulsi. I am Smrithi and that too an, Irani. Beware! I am taking on Rahul Baba in Amethi and so, talk to me with respect. I command respect and I am the new face of the Indian women.
Whispers heard. Smrithi looks at Mulayam Singh, now who all are coming here in this house. I can’t even watch my fading shadow on TV. Wait! I need to call Balaji’s Ekta.”
Smriti and Mulayam Singh-ji are riled as they see plodded steps approaching the door that slowly opens . Mulayam Singh-Ji peers through the curtain and is gob smacked. It reads, “Lok Sabha station.” He turns around to see a bevy of human masses, parading and sporting numbers, No 1 Narendra Modi, Number 2 Sonia Gandhi, Number 1 Rahul Gandhi, Number 1 Arvind Kejriwal, Infinity but scholar Number One Mani Shankar Aiyyar as they proudly display the number plates on their chest.
Mulayam Singh chortles, “I protest! I protest! So many on Big Boss standing with number plates and have they come to give screen test or what? Is Ekta planning a sequel to Kyon Ki Saas Kabhi Bhi Bahu Thi?!”
Smrithi ignores Neta-ji’s antics and walks with folded hands towards Narendra Modi: “Namaskar and welcome to the house.” NaMo nods with smile and says, “Vijay Bhava Smriti-ji.”
A loud thunder violently shakes the house and all lights went off. It’s chaotic and everyone is scared, smelling trouble, and shouting desperately, ‘What is happening..I think its a Bomb scare..O! Momma! Save me..Don’t worry Rahul Beta.” A brief light coruscate through the house in a flash and after few seconds, it spurts throughout the white coated mansion.
A loud voice burst through and announces: “Welcome to the special episode of Big Boss for the Lok Sabha election and hope you will behave yourselves, gentlemen and ladies. I don’t want chaos in this house and a replica of the parliament like you outdid yourselces for five years, and, the moment, you misbehave, you will be sent off.”
A feminine shadow, wearing short skirt, walk through the house and cuckoo-ed, “Hi, I am the host of the Special Big Boss and I wish all of you luck. As she surfaces, the house in-mates are gaping for breath and start shouting, “Oh! No! It’s Sunny Leone” Sunny sports her colgate smile and walks seductively in her white short skirt, “I am sure, everyone will swoon to my tunes and let me, welcome everyone to the house.”
Interruption..I protest against the host Sunny Leone..It’s Mulayam Singh, Smrithi Irani and NaMo’s voices crying hoarse…Oh! No! It’s spoiling our Hindu culture and we are opposed against the invasion of the West to send Sunny here to distract our children from religious books…We protest against Sunny Leone as the host.
Sunny is unfazed and start dancing to Laila tune, flitting on her toe as Rahul looks bedazzled as she moves her curves like a maven of Kamusutra art. “Oho!! Namo-ji and Mulayam ji, you feel offended, are you? Ooh!la!la! Smriti-jee, the times of Saas Bahu is lost in translation,” She moves her lips seductively. Namo and Mulayam Singh gawp at her.
Mani Shankar Aiyar is sitting cross-legged in the kitchen with his head buried in his ‘Cambridge’ books when the utensil makes a roaring sound like Himesh Reshamiya voice to break his concentration. Mani is aghast and turns his head to the gas stove to see Namo boiling water. He is infuriated and shouts, “NaMo, what are you doing? Every time, you keep bumping at the wrong time and keep disturbing me like that. Just bloody get out.”
Namo smiles wickedly, “Mani-ji, why are you always so angry? shanti..shanti..I am making tea for all of you and a special one for you. Let’s bond over Chai-nama.”
Mani gets up and tread inside the kitchen area, “Fine! I’ll give you a small place to make Chai if you want. As it is, you are a chai wala and I’m not the least interested to have Chai Pe Charcha with you.”
Poor Mani walks away and NaMo breaks into splinter of laughter, beating his 56 inch chest for making NaMo run away.
Rahul is standing with his Mom when they bump on Namo, adjusting his spectacle to read the newspapers. “Oh! Sonia-ji and Rahul-ji, welcome, welcome and let’s sit.”
Sonia moves away, “Who do you think you are? Power has corrupted you. Look at you! So arrogant and vile. Making fun of me and my Rahul Beta. You are behaving as if you have already snatched my ‘Kursi’.
“Sit Sonia-ji and make your Shehzaade comfortable,” Namo tries to assuage the anger of Mother and Son.
Rahul protests and clutches to his Mom’s saree, “Momma! Momma! He calls me Shehzaade.”
Rahul starts crying and Sonia caresses his forehead, “Stop crying, Rahul Beta. We will go to Amethi tomorrow and this NaMo cannot do anything to you. Don’t be scared.”
Tulsi (Smrithi) walks in her saree towards NaMo and gestures to Rahul, “See the power of NaMo and his Bahumat..even Big Boss is clamoring for his name. Quite ironic na, Sonia Ji. Bahumat is your favorite catch phrase.”
Rahul shouts at his mom, “See it’s because of you nobody wants to marry me. In every public meeting, you keep shouting Bahu Mat do..even NaMo and Tulsi are singing the same old song. Now, tell me, how I will get married now!”
Sonia slaps Rahul and scolds him, “Now, I am getting a headache and you start behaving like a whipper-snapper constantly whining and cribbing. Wait! Priyanka Didi will come and show them your worth. Rahul giggles and trolls happily in the house.
Sunny Leon appears again to sway her hip and thrust her pelvic forward, biting her lip to ‘Yeh Duniya Pital Di Yeh Duniya Pital Di’ in a red saree. She lilts, “Ladies and Gentlemen of the house. No matter what you say, Sunny will not be angry coz I’m sizzling hot and super sexy..Hope you are well and heating up the Lok Sabha battle at the last station..If you feeling bored, Sunny is here to flaunt her assets..oops some good news for you..some new comrades joined the house to make it a hot-and-sundry affair. I announce the wild entry of Priyanka Gandhi-Vadra, Arvin Kejru and Diggie Diggie Singh…bye bye see you boys and girls.”
Arvin Kejru trundles inside the house, sporting muffler and sits on the sofa, refusing to say Hi to anyone. He bites his fingers and grabbed the microphone, “Big Boss!! Wherever you are, I refuse to speak to the contestants who made me sleep on the street in Delhi and I got fever for days and nights. I refuse to speak to all the power brokers in the house. See! I want the Big Boss House to be all mine and I will conquer Varanasi as I took a dip in the Ganga to become a nightmare for NaMo. I am a poor man and survive on bread and butter. Now, let me sleep and dream of the Kursi.”
Priyanka Gandhi walks in the house and hugs Maa Soniya and Rahul Bhaiya. NaMo walks towards Priyanka to greet her, “How are you, Priyanka, bitiya?” Priyanka sees red and shows her middle finger, “NaMo! NaMo! Don’t dare you call me bitiya. I am Maa Soniya daughter..kehdo naa kehdo naa..You are my Sonia Maa and my father’s daughter..I am a Gandhi, the daughter of Rajiv Gandhi. Don’t you dare speak to me.”
Diggie Singh holds a red rose close to his nostril and breath in and out in peace and tells the inmates, “Inhale! Exhale!Make love and not war.” Sonia slaps him on his head, “You idiot! Speak something in our defense and wrestle NaMo out of here. Can’t you see what he is doing to steal our Kursi? you dumb love struck, man.”
Diggie Singh smiles, “Sonia-ji. Shanti! Shanti! Forget the Lok Sabha battle and Maha Sangram. Make love and not war..I am in love..Me and My Amrita Aksar yeh baatein Karte.” Diggie held a photo close to his chest and start singing, “Jaadu teri Nazaar Khusboo Teri Badaan..Tumhari Amrita Mein tera Diggie Diggie..give me Puppi Puppi.”
Sonia, Rahul and Priyanka are frantically searching for something that left the rest of the house, NaMo, Mulayam, Kejriwal, Smriti bemused and clueless. Sonia holds a stick in her hand and smiles, “I got you,” as she drags Manu from behind the sofa. “Look! Who is hiding behind the sofa and crunching numbers in his Maths and Economics book. It’s Manu.”
Priyanka chids Manu, “Sir, we are disappointed. You are such a great Economist and hiding.”
Manu bends his head down, “Silence is Golden, Big Boss.”
The voice of Big Boss roars like thunder throughout the house, “Ladies and Gentlemen. The Special Episode of Big Boss is almost over and Sunny is not coming back because of you, miscreants who keep yelling at each other, names calling and making this House, chaotic. King Arnab is replacing him since Salman Khan is enjoying is flying Patang (Kites) in Gujarat.
King Arnab adjusts his tie and spectacles:
“Hi! Ladies and Gentlemen! Whatta a mess this house is!
Sofas turned upside down, unaudible noise, Namo, Priyanka and Mani howls.”
King Arnab shouts.
“This house is such a mess. Can’t you respectable men and women behave yourselves? For F*** Sake, it’s the Big Boss House and not the Animal Farm. Oh! Lord! Rahul is here! Somebody please kill me! You, people, are behaving in an un-parliamentary way. There is no spicy action and this special episode has brought TRP down..not a single amusement, except names calling and outside, you call us paid media. Rahul..NaMo, Priyanka-ji, Sonia-Ji and Tulsi…”
Smriti start shouting, “King Arnab, I hate it when you call me, Tulsi. Has someone paid you?”
King Arnab adjusts his rimmed glasses, “I will call you, Tulsi. After all, Kyon Ki Saas and your boss, Ekta gave you a name who keeps blabbering in Amethi and dare you accuse me of being paid. Please repeat, what you just said, Tulsi, Tulsi, Tulsi!!!!”
Smriti is silent.
“Tulsi! Next time, you don’t say that I am being paid. All of you misbehaved today and India wants to know why. Now, you get out of the Big Boss House and there is no winner. But, thank you, for sacrificing your time and election, to un-grace the Big Boss House.”