Are you ready for some confession in my dark room? Get set! Let’s vroom on our way to my not so deep dark secrets a la Harry Potter with oodles of mischief and plenty, I mean plenty, of silly but true confessions on the rocks. Nopes! I am not sloshed to vent it out but I am only happy to be myself on the blog. It’s my space and truly yours gonna spell it out.
I am a person who can be very confident at times but, at the same time, cannot handle failures after tasting the sweet falooda and delicacies of success. When I suffer a lil’ set back, it gets to me very badly and I’m flung on the downhill where it takes a very long time for me to surmount the obstacles. It gets to me very badly and my confidence hits a low ebb where I lose my acquired talent, strength of character. I just become so diffident and sunk into depression. I just withdraw from the world to land in my safe cocoon and myopic shell. I know it’s psychological and everything is in the head but it’s a situation where I take a very long time to get out of. Call it a hiatus or hibernation but that’s how things are with me. I can feel like a damn loser when stuffs doesn’t work out for me. Is it too much to spell out? Well! That’s me. Social network, blog..well! That’s my space and an extension of my persona and I chose to be myself rather than someone else.
Sometimes, I curse myself and whip my ass for listening to my heart too much as decisions are not taken out of boredom but rather on intuition. I can just take a decision out of the blue without weighing the pros and cons, forget about logic, most decisions have been taken in a way where I stand to lose more than I stand to gain. I’ve been at a loss since reason and logic seems a faraway distance, more rocket science stuffs but the heart always score. I mean, I should be happy to listen to the heart but bingo, after the decision is taken, I may end up regretting the whole scene of acting on the spur of the moment. Baap re! So much confessions and stuffs being revealed this Wednesday on the blog.
You know I just exited from the new job that I took two months back in October and common sense reveals that till one doesn’t get something concrete in hand, one should never take the exit door. The decision was taken on the spur of the moment, in the board room during the briefing. The truth is that I was not getting fulfillment from the job and, going to work, was a royal pain in the ass. I was mentally fucked and, boy, it was too much too handle from my own perspective. There was no real motivation at work and my mojo was moving far away from me. There were also issues with the boss. I mean, not huge issues but we had differences over stuffs with her ‘teacher’ mode which I couldn’t come to terms with. I mean, I am all keen to learn as student learning new things but it was not really my way in the manner in which things were working out for me. She is not a bad person and out of work, she can be fun but, on a professional level, we couldn’t connect. I took the plunge since I felt that I was not growing as a person and a young professional. It was leading to nowhere from my perspective.
I call it a big risk leap, dunno whether the definition exist in the lexicon-cum-google and I know the Grammar Nazi will be after my life if I fucked it up here..hehe…My savings is almost drained and I don’t even have peanuts for change, plus there is a huge loan pending, credit card account and EMI’s banging on my head. So, I cannot afford to stay at home and begging for pennies from mom. I know it’s not a very cool thing to despite I am a bachelor and no family responsibility looming on me. I gotta pull my socks and been sending some applications to some newspapers, print and online. There are talks with an English new channel and things must be sorted out, but considering it is taking a longer time than usual to sort out things, I need something in the meantime. Really can’t afford to stay at home for long, unlike last year, where things were terrible and went awfully wrong. But, this time, I have decided, no matter how good or bad things stand, I gonna have control over my life and no, this time, I shall be the master and not the other way round, where fate-is there something like that?-will dictate my life. Plus, procrastination means I am stuck in a rut and lose perspective. Trust me, it is so bad when you lose touch and when you join an office, you feel so new and out of sync with the harsh reality.
I am a lazy bum. That’s a kinda confession?! Right. I remember that when there is an effective method that makes one feel liberated and focus on goals-jot priorities on a black-and-white sheet of paper where you outline stuffs that are the need of the hour. It is damn effective and last time I’ve done it following a failure, was post my 12th standard. It worked. The thing is that I am looking to re-locate to Sheikh-land but I am not moving my ass. I wonder where my magic has gone? I was someone in whose dictionary the word ‘impossible’ never existed and I hated this I-word. Where has the drive and hunger gone to make impossible possible, which I have done in the past? It’s just not working and a major fuck up. The reality is I am confused since I am the only son and wonder that if I leave mom will be left alone. But, from my perspective, it’s also about my dreams and inspirations that will go for a toss and I need to chase my dreams and grow as a person, not necessarily from a son’s perspective. No! That doesn’t make me selfish since what matters is what lies in the heart, the gratitude and love for parents. Is age getting on me, I wonder?! Anyway, will keep it for later and shall come with a brand new post on that.
Whoa! That’s quite a fair amount of confession and feel like a Zombie, kinda swash-buckler in the confession. I thought, for an instance, that I am in a church pouring ma heart to Father for crimes committed against the human race. Haha! Not bad for an evening, pouring my heart to anyone who wanna lend me a patient ear on the whining and cribbing about a life in anticipation. I bet your patience is wearing thin and promise will bug you morrow will something really nice & lovely and promise..nakki, kachi pukki-whatever that means-confession room will not be back so soon. You gotta wait for a very long time.wink::)
Bonus of the day: Pleaze bear with me for the typos and wrong cues in spelling & grammar since I have no time to do a grammar spell, bad habit of publishing without reading such a fucking long script.
Good Night, Shubbh Ratri and Shabba Kher