I’m tired with work. I’m not getting the fulfillment with what I am doing. I repeat it, I’m seeking passion with my job and so far it’s been eluding me. I feel very tired and completely worn out. It’s gas. At least, I have a forum to vent out my frustration. In one week, I have made two serious blunders. There is no excuse for that. A break is sought out free from the shackles of workload and my self is craving for that.
Woke up very late today. 11.30 a.m is the time I jumped out of the bed. Tiredness propelled me to stay late on bed. Since the start of the year, I haven’t been able to watch my DVD movies and man!January is being slow as a month and I’m eagerly waiting for February end to get over so that I can make a self-assessment. I am also losing the self and the real Vishal needs to stand out. Nowadays, something very weird is happening. I am hesitating to express myself. It’s a fear of being judged. I know…I know…I am what I am. Balls to the ones who come with their pre-established judgment about me. I need to stop being self-conscious. Me wasn’t like that earlier. Then, why am I losing the confidence and hesitating to say no? I need an answer. I am confused. My God! When will the madness ever stop.
Some people are aware of the weakness within me and it looks like they are taking advantage of it. It’s the kind of midlife crisis one suffers from. I need to express and say what I feel, whether being happy, sad or angry. Why?Why? It’s a phase and perhaps it’s better to retrospect on things and the self and a part of me feels its way better to take 2 backward steps so that I can take the big leap. The mind is suffering from crisis. It is an identity crisis as if 2 conflicting views fighting to get an edge on the brain. The mind and the soul constantly trying to overdo each other. It shouldn’t be like this. The self should take control. I badly need to break to be with myself. The real Vishal who needs to stand up and be at the helm of things. ME, ME, ME.
It’s not that I don’t know what to do with my life. I know what are my priorities in life and what I want. I have always wanted to become an actor or a film director. It’s never too late, May bethMaybeto become an actor is a bit late. At least, I ‘m deriving the creative satisfaction of writing and I seek fulfilment on both the blogs on WordPress and on Blogspot. The envelope must be pushed farther and further. I wanna make it big and get my books published and make my short film this year I need to get out of this low-low phase of life and be my usual self. Someone who doesn’t hesitate to distinguish milk from water.
Now, lemme do some soul-searching and I’m craving for Goa. Fuck!When will I ever get the time? Peace, peace.Ahem!